Howard Schultz Teams Up With Clint Eastwood's Empty Chair To Yell At Mexico
Solving America's broken immigration system is incredibly difficult. Not even George W. Bush, with all his wisdom, could fix it. Barack Obama tried his best. Donald Trump has ideas, but all of them suck. However, possible presidential candidate and definite silly person Howard Schultz thinks he has the answer. And it's so incredibly simple it probably makes no sense at all. Schultz shared his bleeding edge, results-focused plan during his town hall on Fox News last night.
SCHULTZ: It cannot be solved currently because of the ideology of both parties. But if I was fortunate enough to become president, this is what I can promise you. I'm about accountability. I'm about results. I would bring people into the room. I would say you cannot come in here with ideology or ego.
So, Schultz proposes holding politicians hostage until they magically turn into the Enterprise command team from "Star Trek: The Next Generation." Those guys could overcome any crisis within a two-minute conference room scene. But, wait, it gets dumber.
SCHULTZ: What I want to do is I want to put an empty chair in a room and that chair represents the American people. And we're not going to leave the room until we solve the problem for the American people.
Schultz doesn't seem to comprehend how complex immigration reform is. Even if everyone's all aligned and moving the needle, it's going to still take more than one meeting. These people have families, Howard. You're going have to free them or at least give them bathroom breaks. As for the empty chair ... Jesus H. Christ, who's advising this guy? Is it Hillary Clinton in a fake mustache? She's just getting some giggles in retirement? Schultz was so proud of his dumb idea. He even gestured dramatically at his own chair, which was no less empty than when he'd been sitting in it.
This town hall had clearly collapsed under its own stupidity because around this time Clint Eastwood started trending on Twitter.
God, you're so bad at this, Howard.Twitter
See, Schultz's furniture negotiation strategy isn't just ridiculous. It also lacks the benefit of originality. Clint Eastwood famously lectured an empty chair at the 2012 Republican National Convention. (Rebecca says click or GTFO!) The chair was meant to represent Barack Obama. It wasn't even a very good chair. No real back support or anything. This is how much Republicans hated President Kenyan Muslim. Still, the symbolism was at least straightforward — one man, one chair. Schultz is asking a lot from his chair if he's cast it to play all 327 million Americans. Even Eddie Murphy would consider that a stretch.
Ronald Reagan borrowed Eastwood's "Go ahead, make my day" line from Dirty Harry, but Schultz chose to remind people of a confused old man embarrassing himself on national TV. You remember how Ben Carson was such a political disaster you started to question how he ever successfully brain surgeoned? Selling overpriced coffee to gullible Americans is in fact not brain surgery or even rocket science. If you've worked in corporate America for any length of time, you're not shocked to discover that a former CEO is in a fact a complete moron.
His graphic designer also sucks at this.Twitter
When you listen to Schultz, which we don't advise, it seems like everything he knows about politics comes from viewings of old movies where the folksy hero prevails over DC corruption. Unfortunately for Schultz, the hero is played by someone like Tom Hanks, Kevin Kline, or even Eastwood himself. Anyone but this walking black hole from which no charm can escape.
Despite boasting of his own "honesty," Schultz continues to outright lie about the obstacles to true immigration reform. He says that both parties have blocked past presidents' attempts to do anything. However, it was Republicans who led the opposition to Bush's immigration bill. Trump's former attorney general Jeff Sessions even thanked "talk radio" and Rush Limbaugh for helping tank it. Yes, Democrats controlled the Senate, but this was back in the days when you needed 60 votes.
Schultz sounds like just another Republican when he talks about immigration. There's the hard line on enforcement and border security but some mealy mouthed nonsense about "humanity" so he can look at himself in a mirror.
SCHULTZ: The issue that we have to recognize is this: President Trump is correct, and the Republican leadership is correct that we need fierce, strict levels of control on that border to keep bad people from coming in; illegal immigrants should not come in. I don't want to get into a wall or anything, but I agree we should fund whatever we need to do, to secure the border. I get that.
All Trump wanted was WALL. That's why he shut down the government. Schultz is ignoring the Republicans' actual position (WALL) and practically accusing Democrats of supporting open borders. Is this entire campaign an audition for his own Fox News show?
SCHULTZ: The Democrats are not correct. We should be funding ICE, and giving them all the tools and resources they need to secure the borders and arrest the bad people. Whatever they need, give them all the resources.
That's great, Mr. Fiscal Responsibility. Let's just throw money at the rogue organization. The Democrats who oppose ICE do so because they believe it's become a cruel and unusual deportation force and we should separate immigration enforcement from criminal "justice" without due process.
It seems Schultz's massive ego has led him to a specific ideological view on immigration. He's also not "listening to learn," at least not when Democrats are involved. The empty chair is very disappointed.
Follow Stephen Robinson on Twitter.
Yr Wonkette is funded 100 percent by reader donations. Please send us money to keep the writers paid and the servers humming. Thank you, we love you.
Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle.