Human Weasel Tucker Carlson Not Sure You Should Go To Jail For Something As Silly As Killing Someone
It's been ten seconds since Tucker Carlson said something dickish, so time had really come for it to happen again. It's like the man simply can't resist being an asshole, no matter what the topic. He's an all-purpose asshole. He's the Comet cleaner of assholes.
You are likely aware that Tracy Morgan was injured when a semi truck driver allegedly fell asleep at the wheel and crashed into Morgan's tour bus, killing one passenger and leaving Morgan and others in critical condition. The driver's been charged with one count of death by vehicle, but Tucker's just not so sure that falling asleep and killing someone is a big deal. Did we mention Tucker Carlson is an asshole?
Weirdly, Fox News had an actual lawyer on to talk about the case, rather than just asking Keith Ablow, or a friend of Tucker Carlson's, or Michelle Malkin or something. The actual factual lawyer pointed out that yeah, this is a thing people totally go to jail for.
Attorney David Schwartz told Fox News on Sunday that the driver could be sentenced to jail if he was convicted of reckless driving for falling asleep behind the wheel.
“Absolutely, 5 to 10 years in jail for death by auto, which is an act of recklessness,” Schwartz explained. “So, if he did fall asleep at the wheel, that’s one of the ways that you could commit reckless driving in New Jersey."
Listen to you, Mr. Attorney, with your fancy "death" this and "recklessness" that. Tucker Carlson does not need to listen to your trumped up ideas, oh no he does not.
“I’m not trying to take anything away from the tragedy of this,” Carlson replied. “But 10 years in jail for falling asleep? It strikes me as very different from taking drugs, drinking. Has that ever happened? Has anybody ever actually gone to jail for falling asleep?” [...]
“But, I mean sometimes people — and I’m not defending anyone here,” Carlson continued. “I’m really struck by the idea that someone who falls asleep — which is something that everybody does every day, not necessarily considered an act of recklessness — does it unintentionally, nods off is a criminal.”
Because this attorney that showed up on Fox News has more patience than we do, he actually tried to explain this to Tucker again.
“Tucker, if you’re driving a 16-wheel truck, a truck for Walmart, and you’re on the roads for the state of New Jersey, and you’re drowsy and you fall asleep, it’s certainly an act of recklessness,” the attorney insisted. “Not an intentional murder, but it’s an act of recklessness. And that’s where this reckless homicide comes in.”
America, you have a grown-ass well-paid man on your teevee talking at you about how since we all sleep sometimes, it just can't be criminal if we sleep at the wrong time and bad things happen.
We were going to try to come up with some analogy to explain how dumb that is, or maybe list all the other times, besides driving, that falling asleep might be criminally negligent, but then we realized we didn't have to because this is so fucking dumb on its face that to do so would be utterly superfluous. It would be overkill, even for a blog where our entire existence, our very raison d'etre, is taking something to its illogical conclusion and mocking the shit out of it. Tucker Carlson, your assholery has transcended us, it has rendered us speechless, it has made us obsolete.
Sorry folks. We had a good run, but we should have known we'd never be able to overcome this level of stupid.