I, Ted Cruz, Say You're Welcome For Your Holy Christmas Freedoms, America
This year, I was honored when you invited me into your home as the only man in Washington with the guts, the intelligence, the dedication, the bladder control, and the overall excellence to delay a routine budget agreement for many good reasons, especially Obamacare. Now, with Christmas upon us, I'm honored to invite you into mine.
I'm happy to report that the Cruz family is doing great. Heidi got a nice bonus from Goldman Sachs and even brought home a bunch of those canvas totes with the bank's logo on them. We'll probably donate them to the Salvation Army, because we love helping poor people as long as nobody is telling us how to do it. Meanwhile, Dad is getting the den ready for the Christmas flagellations, a Cruz family tradition. He got a new tarp this year, and he's covering the furniture like a kid in a tarp store. We haven't heard from mom in a while. I'm sure she'll turn up. And the kids are making paper snowflakes. I keep telling them that snowflakes are supposed to be symmetrical, but they won't listen. Maybe Santa will flagellate some sense into them!
Now, when I think about Christmas, when all Americans celebrate the birth of our one true God, I'm always reminded of another Godly birth -- that of the Constitution. Like Christ, the Constitution came from God and is perfect. Like Christ, there are some people in this country who want to pervert the truth and bend the meaning of the Constitution to fit their needs of "helping people" and "abolishing Prohibition." And, like Christ, the Constitution begins with a C. And that's good enough for me.
Tonight, the whole Cruz family will gather together and pray for the souls of all of America's children. Not only will they probably be indentured to China soon, thanks to our national debt and the United Nations, but every time they wish a non-Christian "Merry Christmas!" they risk being admonished that "Not everyone is a Christian," and told that they should "Remember that" if they want to "Be polite." That's not the America I love.
That's why I thank God every day that there are men like me who are strong, smart, and passionate enough to go to Washington and do something about it. And so should you.