ICYMI: Rudy's Ass
It feels like a long time ago, because so much happened this weekend. Donald Trump went as "Barack Obama Killing Terrorist" for Halloween, and then he went to a baseball game and Americans told him what they thought about that.
But it was just Friday afternoon when we learned that Rudolph Giuliani's ass makes phone calls, and they are perfect.
As NBC News reporter Rich Schapiro explains, it was a dark and stormy night, October 16 to be specific, and he was asleep at the time:
The next morning, a message exactly three minutes long was sitting in the reporter's voicemail. In the recording, the words tumbling out of Giuliani's mouth were not directed at the reporter. He was speaking to someone else, someone in the same room.
Giuliani can be heard discussing overseas dealings and lamenting the need for cash, though it's difficult to discern the full context of the conversation.
If we butt-dialed you RIGHT NOW, you would hear us saying idiot things to our dog, perhaps replacing lyrics to well-known Beyoncé tunes with more dog-centric lyrics. Maybe you would hear us say "GODDAMMIT!" more loudly than necessary because we can't find our keys or maybe we tried to add water to the coffee pot after we had already done that and now we have flooded our whole kitchen goddammit Jesus FUCK.
In other words, typical Monday.
But not Rudy Giuliani! When Rudy Giuliani butt-dials you late at night, you are gonna hear some shit.
"Let's get back to business."
He goes on.
"I gotta get you to get on Bahrain."
Giuliani is well-connected in the kingdom of Bahrain.
Rudy Giuliani is doing some Bahrain shit. As Schapiro explains, we don't know whether this is about Rudy's business grifting or his Trump lawyer grifting or what the hell it is. Maybe he's trying to get some fake dirt on Joe Biden from Bahrain.
"Is Robert around?" Giuliani asks.
"He's in Turkey," the man responds.
Giuliani replies instantly. "The problem is we need some money."
The two men then go silent. Nine seconds pass. No word is spoken. Then Giuliani chimes in again.
"We need a few hundred thousand," he says.
Robert is in Turkey and the problem is they need a few hundred thousand bucks.
Schapiro notes that Giuliani has a Turkey-connected pal named Robert Mangas, a lawyer who was involved with the case of Reza Zarrab, the Iranian-Turkish criminal Rudy Giuliani just happened to be representing. Back in 2017 Donald Trump tried to get then-Secretary of State Rex Tillerson to improperly interfere with the Justice Department in order to get Zarrab's case dropped, which also would have had the benefit of getting the Turkish government off the hook, since its government-run bank was also part of Zarrab's illegal scheme to evade sanctions on Iran.
So maybe that is the "Robert" that Rudy G. was looking for. But Mangas's law firm, Greenberg Traurig, where Rudy G. used to work, says Mangas hasn't been to Turkey in fuckin' forever, so.
Maybe it is a different "Robert." Maybe Rudy Giuliani is a total fanboy for Robert Pattinson and the Twilight franchise and Rudy Giuliani needs a few hundred thousand dollars to take him on a proper date. We do not know.
As Schapiro reports, this is not the first time Rudy Giuliani's bottom has dialed him on the telephone. It was a dark and stormy night in the middle of a sunny afternoon on September 28:
It was 3:37 p.m. Saturday, Sept. 28, and a pink unicorn piñata had just been strung up around a tree in the backyard.
But this time it was all about Rudy Giuliani's crime campaign to give his buddy Donald Trump a reacharound in the 2020 election by getting foreign countries to investigate Joe Biden:
"I expected it would happen," Giuliani says at the start of the recording. "The minute you touch on one of the protected people, they go crazy. They come after you."
"You got the truth on your side," an unidentified man says.
"It's very powerful," Giuliani replies. [...]
"There's plenty more to come out," Giuliani says. "[Hunter Biden] did the same thing in China. And he tried to do it in Kazakhstan and in Russia."
"It's a sad situation," he adds. "You know how they get? Biden has been been trading in on his public office since he was a senator."
Shortly after, Giuliani turns to Hunter Biden. "When he became vice president, the kid decided to go around the world and say, 'Hire me because I'm Joe Biden's son.' And most people wouldn't hire him because he had a drug problem." [...]
"His son altogether made somewhere between 5 and 8 million," Giuliani says. "A 3 million transaction was laundered, which is illegal."
Oh golly, that sounds bad. Like, it's mostly fact-free bullshit, but whoa if true, right?
Hey, did y'all hear Donald Trump's incorrectly shaped son named Dipshit has a new book coming out? Don't know why we just thought of that right now in this conversation about people trading on their dad's name.
Anyway, Rudy Giuliani is a very stable genius and his business is literally SECURITY CONSULTING and apparently this is a thing with him:
This is almost as funny as the time Trump's former idiot lawyers sat in a public restaurant and yelled at each other in purple Comic Sans about Trump's confidential Russia investigation legal strategery.
Check your voicemails, reporters. God knows what Trump/Giuliani crimes you will uncover, because of how Rudy Giuliani's fanny has called you to confess them.
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