Wonkette photoshoop. None of the people in this image are from Forks.

A bunch of gun-toting chucklefucks were all het up by yet another fake social media "warning" about scary Antifa rioters being bused into their community — in this case, Forks, Washington, way up in the (beautiful!) peninsular nothingness of the northwest corner of the state. Yes, also the setting for those beloved Twilight books and movies about sparkly vampires and hunky werewolves. But there was no Twilight sparkle in this story, which was instead an outbreak of paranoia and discord in the tiny town, fueled by Donald Trump's insistence that Antifa is at the heart of all evil.

An area gun dealer warned on Facebook Wednesday he had absolutely rock-solid intel that Antifa was invading, which got folks in the area very worried. And then a multiracial family from Spokane showed up in a school bus, leading to a clusterfuck that was half Get Out and half The Russians Are Coming! The Russians Are Coming!


When the family stopped by Forks Outfitters to get some camping supplies, things quickly got very stupid and very dangerous, as the Penninsula Daily News reports, based on a press release by Clallam Count Sheriff's Sgt. Ed Anderson.

The family — a husband and wife, their 16-year-old daughter and the husband's mother — were driving a full-size school bus and had prepared to camp off a logging road spur [...]

[They were] confronted "by seven or eight carloads of people in the grocery store parking lot," Anderson said they reported to deputies.

"The people in the parking lot repeatedly asked them if they were Antifa protesters. The family told the people they weren't associated with any such group and were just camping," the press release said.

Seven or eight carloads of assholes grilling the family about their politics. Jesus tittyfucking Christ.

We'll assume the family, likely being sane people, had little or no freaking idea what "Antifa" even is. Apparently none of the hyped-up patriots in the parking lot gave any thought to the fact that a family of four doesn't exactly fit the profile of Antifa Super Soldiers, even if they were in a bus. Then again, black people in rural Washington, so clearly they had to be terrorists, because who ever heard of non-white people camping? It's as unlikely as a black bird watcher!

The family had to "drive their bus around vehicles in the parking lot" to get back on Highway 101, but as they drove toward the logging road where they planned to set up camp, they noticed they were being followed by at least four other vehicles, two of which "had people in them carrying what appeared to be semi-automatic rifles." We bet whatever the bus's radio might have been playing, it all sounded like "Dueling Banjos."

Once they reached the logging spur road, the family started setting up camp, but they heard what sounded like shots and the sound of chainsaws, and packed up camp to leave — only then realizing their exit had been blocked by a bunch of trees across the road. Let us pause here to once again say, holy fuck. We repeat, holy goddamn fuck.

And yes, some asshole took a photo and it ended up on Facebook, as local writer and activist Matthew Randazzo documented on Twitter. We've blurred names because we're not monsters and maybe the person passing on the photo wasn't involved and only copied it from elsewhere.

There's a nightmare.

Fortunately, the saga has a happy-ish ending: Four teenagers arrived on the scene, called the sheriff's office, and used their own chainsaw to clear the road. It has not yet been determined whether they were hunky werewolves or sparkly vampires, or possibly just decent kids who are, unlike the idiots with guns, not monsters at all. Sheriff's deputies interviewed the family and provided them an escort out of town, and the assholes on social media declared victory over communism.

Image edited to combine portions of two screenshots


The sheriff's office is investigating the incident, and should probably be talking to a lot of people on Facebook. The family has not been identified, but should probably be looking to sell the movie rights.

[Peninsula Daily News / Matthew Randazzo on Twitter]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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