If Congressman John Lewis Can Dance His Ass Off, So Can You!
Look at this video.
Look at it.
LOOKIT RIGHT NOW, DICKFACE.
It is Rep. John Lewis, civil rights hero, and verified #OldPerson, and he is cutting a rug like he just doesn't give a care, and if he can do that in these terrible times, SO CAN YOU.
Isn't that the most delightful thing you have seen all millenium?
John Lewis was beaten in Selma, Alabama, while marching for VOTING RIGHTS.
And now we live in Trump's America where the GOP continues to do everything it can -- as it has for decades upon decades -- to keep people like John Lewis from VOTING.
Dearhearts, it is Friday, November 2. Tuesday is November 6, which is the day that if we all vote, we for real get to start taking this country back. But every single one of us has to do our part to Make It Happen Cap'n, so if you have ANY time this weekend, you need to do what you can do to make sure that people who aren't likely to read Wonkette or go to a Stacey Abrams rally or aren't already knocking doors for Beto in Texas or for Andrew Gillum in Florida hear the message that it is not only their right and privilege, but also their responsibility to vote.
We know we are preaching to the choir like a common Oprah, who was preaching to the choir when she took Stacey Abrams's supporters to CHURCH yesterday. That's why we gotta be the ones to take the message further. We personally have already recruited several voters -- that we are aware of -- and we're going to be sending some messages and some texts and if we have time on Sunday, we are going to knock some doors or make some phone calls, to make sure people come out to vote for Phil Bredesen in Tennessee. We don't know what's going to happen on Tuesday, but we don't really believe the latest polls that show Bredesen down -- partially because we think most polls right now are horseshit, and partially because we have lived in Tennessee for years and have an educated hunch about this that NBC/Marist probably can't factor for -- but we want to make sure Bredesen has the best chance possible. Wouldn't it be terrible if we woke up on Wednesday and the Senate was 50/50 with Mike Pence breaking ties because WE DIDN'T WORK HARD ENOUGH?
That would suck harder than having to sleep next to Ted Cruz every night while he tearfully whimpers and jerks off into empty soup cans on the nightstand, ALLEGEDLY.
So talk to "apathetic" voters and tell them why it's important to you that they vote for X candidate. Talk to voters who don't love their candidate or don't feel personally inspired by their candidate or their candidate said a stupid thing -- looking at you, TENNESSEE AND MISSOURI -- and tell them the stakes. Tell them what it means to YOUR life. If possible, tell them what it means to THEIR life. Hell, if that doesn't convince them, tell them that a vote for Claire McCaskill is a vote for Beto. No, really!
And no, Wonkette is not saying to lie to idiots! That would be un-Christian.
You see, if Texas gets out and votes Beto in, and Missouri gets out and votes and McCaskill gets the re-elect, and somehow the #MathScience works out to a 51-49 Democratic Senate, then YOUR VOTE in Missouri helped put Beto into a Senate where he is in the MAJORITY where he can get SHIT DONE while being SEXXXY.
Ask them who inspires them in the Senate. Is it Elizabeth Warren? Is it Kamala? Is it Bernie? Then cool, tell them to get their liberal ass to the polls and pull the lever for Stinky Joe Manchin, to help make sure Elizabeth Warren and Kamala and Bernie have ALL THE POWERS.
If that doesn't convince them, we recommend kidnapping LOL WE ARE TEASING DO NOT COMMIT A KIDNAPPING THIS WEEKEND WONKETTE IS SUCH A KIDDER!
Also, you should dance like John Lewis, even though you are not a good dancer like John Lewis and you'll probably fall down like A Idiot in the process. As the late great Molly Ivins said, if you're fightin' for freedom and justice, you better have fun while you're doing it.
Or if you really hate dancing, just goddamn phonebank and knock on doors, OK?
This has been your Wonkette Inspirational Voting Message.
In conclusion, here is Alex Jones dressed up as a gay frog, and it will ... delight? ... you, just like the John Lewis dancing video.
This is also your OPEN THREAD.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!
Wonkette is the ONLY NEWS ON THE INTERNET. Please give us money RIGHT THERE BELOW if you want us to live FOREVER.