If Devin Nunes Doesn't Get To Play Outside Soon, He Might Just Sue A LIVE COW

Donald Trump is being serious about coronavirus, finally, or at least pretending to be. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis finally put Florida under a statewide stay-at-home order, because Trump finally gave him his marching orders, we guess.

But you know which elected official is not buying into the liberal agenda nonsense, and just wants to go out in the pasture and play, and if you think he's gonna stay six feet away from each and every cow, you got another think coming, ALLEGEDLY?

cow pole dancing GIF Giphy

That's right, Devin Nunes is not havin' it.

A couple weeks ago, Fucking Devin was pretty sure when Dr. Anthony Fauci said "stay at home" that Dr. Anthony Fauci was not his real dad, so he interpreted that order as GO TO BARS. (And then got so mad when people reported on what he said.)

Now, weeks later, with the bodies piling up, in an America with more than 200,000 confirmed coronavirus cases and growing, with outbreaks shooting forth from all corners of the country like the country is a big udder and the milk is coming out of all kinds of nipples like WHOA HEY! — against this backdrop, Fucking Devin is doubling down.

Nunes told acclaimed journalist Laura Ingraham some things on actual news network Fox last evening:

Nunes: Can't unplug entire economy and expect it go back to normal www.youtube.com

NUNES: I think, you know, quite frankly, all of America's politicians and the media need to stop looking at the death counters [...] and let's talk about how we can keep as many people employed as possible.

Got it? Don't look at all the dead bodies, do look at Making Trump's Economy Great Again (on top of a growing pile of dead bodies).

Later, after a discussion between Ingraham and GOP Senator John Barrasso (who is actually a doctor, so it wasn't that stupid, at least for Fox News), Fucking Devin was allowed to speak once more for some reason. He said it's "way overkill" that California canceled the whole school for the rest of the whole year.

Look, he's just "optimistic," that is all:

NUNES: It's possible kids coulda went ...

Coulda went?

... back to school in two weeks to four weeks, but they just canceled the rest of the schools. So, I'm optimistic here.

Because of the malaria drug, Fucking Devin said, which may or may not work. "If we don't start to get people back to work in this country over the next week to two weeks, I don't believe we can wait until the end of April," said Fucking Devin.

Fucking Devin said all this mere hours after Donald Trump feigned being a serious person as Drs. Anthony Fauci and Deborah Birx explained that even if we do good nationwide social distancing and stay-the-fuck-at-home-ing, we still might be facing 81 times as many Americans dying as 9/11. He also said this after Trump extended social distancing guidelines until the end of April.

But we think we hear Fucking Devin's heart speaking through his words, allegedly.

blonde hair GIF Giphy

We are not a veterinary Dr. Ruth, but we feel like we hear Devin Nunes saying he could be playing in a pasture RIGHT NOW if the goddang liberals would just re-open the country and let people die of coronavirus. He could be standing in a ray of sunshine, shouting "RED ROVER, RED ROVER, BRING GIRL COWS RIGHT OVER!" He could be pinning the tail on the donkey, but with cows, and by "tail," we mean ...


Point is, Devin Nunes seems bored, and stupid, never forget stupid. And we don't actually know if social distancing is depriving him of Netflix-And-Moo time, but maybe it is, and we just hope he doesn't get so stir-crazy that he ends up suing a bunch of live cows, just kidding Devin would never sue a live cow. OR WOULD HE?

Dunno, why would you even want to find out?

Ponder that, in your OPEN THREAD.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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