If Donald Trump Jr. Were A Candy, What Candy Would He Be?
Last night, Donald Trump Jr. sparked a whirlwind of disgust after posting a meme comparing Syrian refugees to Skittles that might be poisoned.
Now, I am not going to say I don't understand the impulse to be hyper vigilant about being poisoned. One time I bought a thing of honey in a mason jar, and didn't understand how mason jars operated (worst white person ever, I know), so I totally freaked the hell out when the top came off and assumed that someone had somehow sawed off the lid (yes, in a perfect circle) and put arsenic in there. Which I felt was not out of the realm of possibility given that I live in Chicago and they never got the person who poisoned the Tylenol.
Heck! One of the top reasons I do not want Donald Trump to be president is because I don't want to eat poisoned food or drink contaminated water. In a Trump presidency, Skittles would be free to flavor sweeten their candies with antifreeze, without fear of any silly "regulations" from the FDA FOOD POLICE. And that does not seem like a good time.
But the thing is -- as a representative from Skittles pointed out -- Skittles are candy and not people who are in a very, very bad situation and need help.
You see, the good thing about the Syrian Refugee Skittles is that those Skittles are heavily, heavily regulated! So they are actually a lot more safe than unregulated Skittles, even totally American Skittles. There are lots of American Skittles that are bad and some that are even "radicalized." Donald Trump himself loves to pal around with Troy Newman of Operation Rescue, and he thinks murdering abortion doctors is a pretty swell idea! And he's an American Skittle for sure.
Also a poisonous American Skittle? Robert Chambers, AKA The Preppie Killer, who totally reminds me of a better-looking Donald Trump Jr. Just throwing that out there so I'm not the only one who sees it anymore.
But since we are comparing people to candies -- if Donald Trump Jr. were a candy, what candy would he be? I have some ideas!
1. Banana Runts
No one knows why banana-flavored Runts exist, but we are all collectively pretty mad about it. They're gross and they taste like soap, and the only upside to them is that they are uniquely shaped enough that you won't accidentally eat one in a dark movie theater. Also they are small and yella.
2. Chunky Bars
CHUNKY BARS ARE GROSS. Like Donald Trump Jr.
3. The Strawberry Russell Stovers Chocolates
The reason why it is NEVER SAFE to just pop a Russell Stovers chocolate in your mouth. Because it could be this weird one! The strawberry one that has like, maybe some kind of nut chips in it or something. It is the worst surprise ever, and no one wants it. Much like Donald Trump Jr.
4. Buttered Popcorn Jelly Bellies.
I think we can all agree that if you are into the buttered popcorn flavored Jelly Bellies/Donald Trump, Jr. you are a fucked up person. That shit is not right.
5. Candy Corn
I don't understand being into Candy Corn, much like I don't understand being into any Trump.
6. Circus Peanuts
This color theme is not on purpose.
One time I tried to eat marzipan and I cried out in pain. It was maybe the worst time my mouth ever had, but I have also never made out with Donald Trump Jr.
8. Turkish Delight
Yeah, we all thought this shit was gonna be SO DELICIOUS 'cause of "The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe." But we were lied to. You know who else lies? Trumps.
TBH, I have never tried Bit-O-Honey but I am pretty sure I don't need to taste it to know that it is a terrible idea. Same with Trumps.
10. Chocolate-covered cherries
When I was a kid, I firmly believed that chocolate-covered cherries were a candy-type thing for people who were way fancy. I'm not sure why, because as it turns out they are not crazy expensive, but I always had this image in my mind of, like, FANCY ladies sitting around in marabou-cuffed silk robes eating chocolate-covered cherries. Then one day I tried one and was like HOLY FUCK! POISON! I'VE BEEN POISONED! And even if a chocolate-covered cherry does not contain poison, it still tastes like it.
And on some level this is a very deep and thoughtful analysis of everything Trump. Maybe.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse