If You Saw Jacob Wohl At A Hipster Coffee Shop, You'd Go Find A Policeman
Does this screengrab make you feel XXX in your drawers? Plz see a doctor if so. (Source)

USA Today has a new profile out about Jacob Wohl, the Trump starfucker diaspora's weakest and most unfuckable twinkling light, and it's worth a read if you like things that are completely shitbonkers. We've mostly been ignoring Wohl since the youngster's great #FailWeek 2018, when he invented an "intelligence" company (phone number for company: Jacob Wohl's mom's phone) so he could invent a story about Robert Mueller raping somebody, only to have his story fall apart repeatedly while he was telling it.

It's not that li'l Jacob hasn't been busy or anything. He's been in Minneapolis doing an EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATION into Rep. Ilhan Omar with world's most embarrassing human person Laura Loomer, and, um ... yeah, we don't know why, and from reading his batshit Twitter feed, it sounds like they got assassinated in one of Minneapolis's non-existent "no-go" zones, but don't worry, they got better.

Behold their posse:

OH WAIT YOU CAN'T because while we were writing this he got suspended from Twitter! Just trust us, it was a COOL PICTURE of some people who probably shouldn't reproduce. (UPDATE: Just kidding, he's PERMA-BANNED. And why? Read on, and you will see!)a

And don't think Jacob Wohl stays home lonely in the evening, because he went to CIGAR NIGHT with Mike Cernovich and that douchewanker who tweeted that list of how ladies can be more fuckable.

No clarifications on exactly where they put the cigars, but sure, fine, all humans deserve good clean friendship.

ANYWAY, this newspaper profile! You can read all of it if you wanna, or you can just stick with Wonkette's very brief recap, which will tell you all the important stuff you never needed to know:

Jacob Wohl Is Ugly And He Mooches Off The Free Iced Water At The Hipster Coffee Shops

Oh, but that's not all. Behold, a glorious paragraph:

He arrived at the Orange County cafe in a black Corvette with new-car paper license plates and extended a rigid hand but did not shake when a reporter grasped it. Sipping a free cup of ice water, the thin, severe-featured Wohl, who speaks in clipped verbiage, quickly worked into conversation that he was carrying a concealed firearm in response to the "voluminous left-wing threats" he has received.

How much #Loser can you cram into one graf? Damn! He's spending his publicity money like an idiot on BPS cars (Big Penis Substitute, not to be confused with BPTs, which are Matthew Whitaker's Big Peener Toilets); his handshake is weird and stilted and not strong; he mooches the ice water; he's thin with "severe" features, which is a not even all that nice way of saying "BLECH!"; and he talks weird. Oh yeah and he has a gun, because what's better than one Big Penis Substitute? TWO Big Penis Substitutes!

Jacob Wohl Knows He Is Lying About The Hipster Coffee Shops

What's cooler than own-goaling yourself while trying to own the libs? KNOWING you're own-goaling yourself while trying to own the libs.

You see, Wohl is fully aware that he's lying about hipster coffee shops (which rules out a couple of diagnoses from the manual), but it's all part of his bigger strategy, because get this, he thinks hipster coffee shops are basically church for libs, and get this, he takes the things he allegedly hears at the hipster coffee shop and get this, he changes them to the Opposite Day version, and then get this, he tweets that stuff (not anymore!) and LIBS OWNED, and he knows he has achieved LIBS OWNED because everybody in his Twitter mentions is making fun of him (where?), which means he's secretly winning the argument.

Jacob Wohl Knew He Was Lying When He Made Up That Robert Mueller Accuser

YEAH. Remember "SureFire Intelligence," AKA Jacob's mom's phone number, with the fake employees and the made-up Robert Mueller accuser? You might have thought that was just another own-goal from Mr. Wohl, but NO YOU SILLY, it was another OWN-LIBBING, and here is why:

The woman he named as a credible accuser of the special prosecutor, Carolyne Cass, recently told USA TODAY that Wohl "made it up," deceived her with a false identity ...

He told her he was a PI who had been trained by Mossad! Because YEAH!

and tried to coerce her to appear at a news conference against her will.

Wohl initially maintained that Cass's allegations were credible. When told that Cass said they were inaccurate, Wohl then claimed that he couldn't speak about the situation because of a legal non-disclosure agreement with Cass, who denied that such an agreement exists.

I ... we... OK ... but ...

Wohl claimed at the coffee shop, however, that a goal of his scheme had been to trick journalists into thinking that he had offered to pay for dirt on Mueller, so he made up a person and sent those allegations to media outlets. On his phone, he scrolled through emails from reporters at major outlets like The Washington Post, The New York Times and Buzzfeed who had tried to garner more information from a person who he says did not actually exist.

He described these emails-- of reporters doing their due diligence-- as trophies from a logic-stretching plan that had as the ultimate goal getting reporters to go to a news conference at a D.C.-area Holiday Inn. "The real allegations against Mueller would have been ignored … had we not roped the media into attending the press conference," Wohl said.

ZINGED! Wonkette does remember a handful of reporters showing up to that thing!

Jacob Wohl sure did show them!

Jacob Wohl Knows He Is Lying. You Know, Just In General. And He Has Plans To Do It A Whole Bunch More!

The profile is chock full of *jerk-off motion* quotes from Wohl about how facts aren't even a thing anymore, none of which shall we reproduce here because seriously, fuck that guy.

But you should know that Wohl has big plans to do his best impression of a Russian hacker in the 2020 Democratic primary and general election, except since it's Wohl, it'll probably come off even less believable than the English as a Second Language argle-bargle put out by Russian troll farms.

He says he plans to create "enormous left-wing online properties" – such as deceptive Facebook and Twitter accounts – "and use those to steer the left-wing votes in the primaries to what we feel are weaker candidates compared with Trump." It's a plot similar to what Mueller has charged in indictments that the Russians crafted in an effort to boost the 2016 campaigns of Bernie Sanders and Jill Stein and hobble Hillary Clinton.


Also, JACOB WOHL AND WHAT TWITTER ACCOUNT? UPDATE: This is why he got perma-banned!

Another stated scheme: seeking to collect damaging information on left-leaning non-profits including Media Matters for America, the Southern Poverty Law Center and Right Wing Watch by offering their insiders "moral reconciliation," and if that doesn't work, "things of worth" – such as money.

OK, sure, you bet!

Anybody from Right Wing Watch care to comment on how this is making them feel today?

No fun, Jared Holt isn't even acting like he's so scared right now.

Well Thanks, Wonkette, For Wasting Our Time With This!

What? You don't want to hear about how Jacob Wohl, failed Doogie Howser Fraudster Hedge Funder, had a "political awakening" when he was in 5th grade while watching Barack Obama's inauguration, which led him to experience "trepidation" about the national debt, like a normal 5th grader who will one day evolve into a competent and mentally and emotionally healthy adult?

Fine, fuck you then, WE WON'T TELL YOU.

Have an open thread now, we guess.

[USA Today]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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