If This Lady And Her 300-Year Old Ghost Pirate Husband Can't Make It, What Hope Do The Rest Of Us Have?
While the year 2018 will be remembered for a lot of (mostly terrible) things, it should also go down in history as the year two entirely different women got married to ghosts. Most recently, a lady named Amethyst Realm (of course) made headlines by claiming that after having had sex with at least 20 different ghosts, she had finally settled down with one she met on a flight to Australia. As one does.
But before Amethyst Realm, there was Amanda Teague, a former Jack Sparrow impersonator who was very obsessed with Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean, and who in January announced that she had married the ghost of a 300 year-old pirate named Jack Teague. Teague claimed that Jack Teague had been a black Haitian pirate who at one point had been left at the altar, and had been executed for high treason. She also claimed that they had sex -- including a little pregnancy scare -- and that he once bought her a coffee maker.
"So last Christmas as an example, he had told her that he wanted to buy me a coffee maker, and it cost £40.
"And she told him 'I hope you're going to come up with the money because I'm not paying £40, I have to buy my own present for her!'
"And he said someone will be giving me some money in the sum of £40 and that money will be for the present. And literally as she was telling me this, we were sitting in the car and I got a message from this guy, who wanted to buy something I was selling on Facebook — and it was for £40. It was so strange.
Alas, as I pointed out when I wrote the initial story up for Friendly Atheist, there never was a black Haitian pirate named Jack Teague.
Amanda Teague claims that Jack Teague was a black Haitian pirate in the 1700s until he was executed for "high treason." Teague is an Irish surname. While there were British privateers and pirates in the 1600s, they were mostly booted out by the French, who ruled the island from 1660 through the end of the Haitian revolution in 1804. While slavery existed on the island from the time of Columbus, African slaves were not even brought over until the 1700s, at which time the golden age of the pirate in Tortuga was kind of over and people were mostly switching to farming. The only record of a black Haitian pirate I can find is Henri Caesar — who may or may not have really existed, but supposedly engaged in piracy from 1805-1830 after having fought in the revolution.
So, you know, a black Haitian with an Irish surname despite pretty much no one in Haiti having an Irish surname at that time, engaging in piracy prior to the revolution, who somehow was not a slave and thus able to even be left at the altar, who just happens to have the same name as the dude from Pirates of the Caribbean, who was active as a pirate in the 1700s and executed for high treason but with literally no record of this existing, coming back as a ghost to sex up some lady who dresses up as the character from Pirates of the Caribbean for a living and buy her coffee makers is a little much for me to swallow. Especially when she's also trying to pitch a "How To" book on ghost romance.
You know who was named Jack Teague though? Jack Sparrow, from Pirates of the Caribbean, whose father was named Captain Edward Teague. In fact, when they initially got hitched, there was no mention in their wedding video of any ghost -- just Jack Sparrow. The wedding video was actually called "This is the day you will always remember as the day Captain Jack Sparrow got married," and it is hilarious.
This is the day you will always remember as the day Captain Jack Sparrow got married www.youtube.com
So yeah, not only did this lady get married to a ghost, she got married to a fictional ghost. But the Mrs. Muir life was not for her, apparently, because now they are getting a divorce. So sad!
Via The Irish Post:
Taking to social media, Amanda said: "So I feel it's time to let everyone know that my marriage is over.
"I will explain all in due course but for now all I want to say is be VERY careful when dabbling in spirituality, it's not something to mess with."
The split is another blow for Jack, after he was purportedly executed for thieving on the high seas in the 1700s.
Pirates of the Caribbean fan Amanda previously told The Irish Post how she spent £4,000 to look like Captain Jack Sparrow, Johnny Depp's character in the film.
I, for one, will be on tenterhooks waiting for that explanation. Like, what went wrong? Did she discover that she was ghost married to a ghost who was only pretending to be a fictional pirate that she was weirdly obsessed with? Was it like, the ghost of Richard Nixon or someone even grosser? Did the ghost cheat on her with Amethyst Realm? Did she get possessed? Was he too obsessed with booty? Was she unable to find a publisher for her book on ghost-fucking? And just what is the process for divorcing a 300-year-old ghost anyway? I have so many questions!
But really, if you can't make it work with a fictional 300-year-old ghost, where do you go from there? What human man can live up to that? It doesn't sound like she's going to rebound with another ghost, what with her newfound fear of "dabbling in spirituality." My guess is that she's gonna go for one of those Twilight dudes, probably. Or perhaps she'll steal Harry Potter right out from under Ginny Weasley. The possibilities are truly endless.
Anyway, this is now your open thread, in which you can all freely discuss what kind of ghost you would like to marry, or whatever else your heart desires!
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse