If Trump Is Really God's 'Chosen One,' God's A Dumbass

Scenes from the last 24 hours in the life of the anti-semitic human pubic thatch with the messiah complex, Donald John Trump!

Many Are Called, But Only Stable Geniuses Are Chosen!

Trump looked up at the sky earlier today while he was talking about his dumbfuck wrongheaded stupidbad trade war with China, and he said, "I am the Chosen One." Yes, that is a thing he said! "I AM THE CHOSEN ONE."

We have many Choose Your Own Adventure options with this one. We can say aw shucks he was just attempting a joke, but it fell flat, because he is bad at jokes. (Kind of like when he "jokes" that he's going to serve more than two terms, which he also did today, HA HA!)

We can laugh our asses off until we cry, imagining what kind of lazyass piece of shit God would choose Donald Trump for anything. Like, did the store run out of humans, and God had to go look around the stockroom, and the only thing back there was the almighty's greatest fuckup of all, Donald Trump? Because if that's the case, maybe God just should try again tomorrow and see if there's a better Chosen One available.

Or instead of laughing, we can look on in horror, realizing that Trump actually might think this in the (alleged!) syphilis cavity between his ears, and understanding that if he thinks it, his cum-slobbering followers actually might believe him if he keeps saying it. (He really thought he could buy Greenland. He's that stupid.) Can't imagine how that might go terribly wrong, if the worst of the waddling pigshits who voted for him start worshiping him as their messiah. And please, don't put it past them, because you've seen a Trump rally before. Lots of them already believe it anyway.

For a very serious thread on just how dangerous this is, and how it really truly could get people killed, check out Jared Yates Sexton on Twitter.

At That Time They Will See The Son Of Man Cumming On The Clouds, Just Cumming Everywhere, And He Will Have A Mushroom Dick And A Tangled Kudzu Thicket Of Yeti Pubes!

Of course, this also happened on a day when Trump, quoting a batshit white evangelical Christian conspiracy theorist, dubbed himself the King Of Israel and the Second Coming, which is a thing Jews actually don't believe in, since they don't believe in the First Coming in the first fucking place, God, this is like What Is Jewish 101:

Are you familiar with Wayne Allyn Root, the very normal person who just dubbed Trump the king of the Jews? Well! Let us tell you of him! Lawyers, Guns and Money looked up Root's Wikipedia, which includes the following gems:

Root was a leading proponent of the conspiracy theory that President Barack Obama was not born in the United States.[26] At one point, Root falsely claimed that Obama was not a student at Columbia University;[4] at another point, in an interview with Sean Hannity, Root said that he believed that Obama was a "foreign exchange student" at Columbia.[5] Root has described Obama as a "Marxist, anti-American, anti-Israel, globalist, middle class-hating, Muslim sympathizer".[5] He also claimed that Obama was gay, called him "Bathhouse Barry" and said that he had info from Obama's "friends in Chicago" about Obama's "sordid past".[5] He has described Obama as a "Manchurian candidate", possibly hired by the Bilderberg Group to destroy the United States and "kill all of us".[5]

He promoted conspiracy theories around the murder of Seth Rich, and at various times suggested that Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Hillary Clinton, Donna Brazile, Bill Clinton, Eric Schneiderman and John Podesta were involved in the murder.[5]

During the white supremacist Unite the Right rally, Root falsely claimed that the white supremacist James Alex Fields Jr. who killed Heather Heyer was "such B.S. Probably paid actors & infiltrators hired by [George] Soros. No conservative I've ever met commits violence. EVER."[5]

Root tweeted in the aftermath of the 2017 Las Vegas shooting: "This is a real thing. Clearly Coordinated Muslim Terror attack. PRAY for our Vegas police. PRAY for victims. VERY bad. Awful."[27] It was later confirmed that the shooter was 64-year-old Mesquite, Nevada, resident Stephen Paddock.[28] Root then defended his original claim by tweeting: "Terrible day. Liberal fools criticizing me 4 reporting what I hear DIRECT from police & credible news sources. I report it as I hear it."[29]

Root argued that Special Counsel Robert Mueller's investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election is motivated by "penis envy", because "Mueller's is smaller than Trump's."

And now he says Donald Trump is king of the Jews and the Second Coming. Dunno where he got that idea, but in OUR Christian Bible it says we'll see the Son of Man COMING on the clouds, not CUMMING on the clouds and grabbing the clouds by the pussy and taking them furniture shopping. Maybe Root has a different translation.

The point is that Trump loved it, he agreed with it, he thinks he's King of Jews, and also the Chosen One, and this is all terrible and horrible and fucked up. BUT WE ARE NOT DONE!

We Can't Think Of A Good Bible Verse To Hilariously Mangle For President Nazi Calling Jews 'Disloyal'

We still haven't addressed what Trump said on Tuesday, just hangin' out in the Oval Office, when he told reporters that most American Jews are "disloyal." Indeed, he said it far more explicitly than Rep. Ilhan Omar, one of the congresswomen he seems to be trying to incite one of his followers into murdering, ever did. He was yapping out his shithole about Omar and Rashida Tlaib threatening to withhold financial support for Israel:

TRUMP: I think any Jewish people that vote for a Democrat, uh, I think it shows either a total lack of knowledge or disloyalty.

Jesus Christ. Hey Jewish Jared and Ivanka! How do you feel about Daddy talking like this? Haha, just kidding, we know you don't give a fuck.

So, that is absolutely disgusting and completely on brand for Donald Trump. It specifically invoked the trope that Jewish Americans have dual loyalty to America and to Israel, and are therefore fundamentally disloyal to America. But he did it in a very weird way that suggests that he's saying they're being disloyal to Israel by the very fact that they're disloyal to the GOP and Trump, the president who said there were very fine people on both sides at the Charlottesville Unite The Right rally, which included the Nazi side that screamed "Jews will not replace us!" And again, he is the same guy who just affirmed a batshit paste-eating conspiracy theorist's belief that he, Donald Trump, is the "Second Coming."

This is so much worse than anything Ilhan Omar ever said. She reacted on Twitter, by the way:

But who was Trump speaking to? Not American Jews, obviously. It's not like the almost 80 percent of Jewish Americans who voted for Democrats in the midterms are going to hear this and suddenly think, "Oh no, I have committed the sin of being disloyal to Donald Trump and the GOP, I will surely be more loyal next November!" No, these sorts of messages are intended for his base, by which we mean Nazis.

It's notable, of course, that this is actually what extremist conservative Jewish Americans and extremist white Christians think about regular Jewish people. Trump is just saying it REALLY LOUDLY.

Ben Shapiro thinks this:

The Republican Jewish Coalition, that group of fucking loons, thinks this.

Rep. Steve King (R-Nazi) thinks this:

"Here is what I don't understand," King said on the radio, and instead of following it with the words "any damn thing at all," he got good and specific. "I don't understand how Jews in America can be Democrats first and Jewish second and support Israel along the line of just following their president."

That was during the Obama years, when Republicans were mad at the Jews for "disloyalty" but didn't say the quiet parts quite as loudly as Trump does. Michele Bachmann shared similar sentiments back in those days.


And Finally, A Few More Quick Hits From Trump's Tuesday Stitch 'n' Bitch With Reporters!

Trump's press availability yesterday wasn't just about the president acting like Literal Hitler and accusing Jewish Americans of "disloyalty." As usual, his brains leaked out of his mouth and expectorated racism and stupidity on all those unlucky enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time (which is the White House on any day during these dark years).

Because he's most likely a Russian intelligence asset of some sort, Trump begged again for his beloved Russia to be granted re-entry into the G7/G8, saying Obama only wanted Russia kicked out because it "outsmarted" him. (Russia was kicked out for its illegal invasion and occupation of the Crimean peninsula.)

Of course, Trump is a tiny little stupid chickenshit fuckbaby sac of allegedly human cells, so you really should see the look on his face when he tries to say Vladimir Putin "outsmarted" Barack Obama. He thinks he is being so clever and has no clue the entire world is laughing at him.

A reporter asked Trump to opine on his administration's latest attempts to fuck over LGBT people, and he responded by lying and saying he got an "award and endorsement" from the Log Cabin Republicans, the tiny quisling Republican gay group that cowers in service of the GOP and doesn't speak for normal LGBT people. He got an endorsement, to be sure, and one of LCR's board members resigned in disgust. He did not get an "award," though, just like he has never gotten the "Michigan Man of the Year" award, at least partially because that award does not exist.

He didn't answer the question about why he loves fucking over the LGBT community so much. It's probably because they're disloyal. He mentioned Peter Thiel, though, who, while he may be one of Trump's very few gays, is not a person any self-respecting LGBT person admires.

And finally, ladies and gents, this is your president explaining the long-running conflict between India and Pakistan over Kashmir:

TRUMP: They are not exactly friends at this moment. Complicated situation. A lot has to do with religion. Religion is a complicated subject.

Very good, Mister President! Next he'll tell us that nobody ever knew religion would be so complicated.

Maybe now that he's the messiah he can fix it, HA HA HA HA, we are just kidding, Jared will fix it after he's done with Middle East peace, HA HA HA HA, our American life is a nightmare.

[videos viaAaron Rupar]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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