There is something very wrong with Carter Page. Maybe it's not right to laugh at someone so dimwitted that he files a pro se suit against the DNC and its lawyers alleging RICO and RICO conspiracy. There's a good reason that the Russians overlooked his willingness to become an asset because NYET, TOO STUPID. Put simply, the guy's a Froot Loop.

And yet, we just read that dipshit's entire complaint and we're suing him for battery and damage to property after we smashed our laptop banging our head into it. No, we're not literally suing -- we're not A IDIOT like Carter Page. But he subjected us to this fuckery, so he deserves what he gets!

Carter Page, Man From Nowhere

Page has already been laughed out of court in DC and and New York, so now he's rolling the dice and suing the DNC for defamation in Oklahoma, because, why ever not? See Page has (or had) an LLC registered in Oklahoma, although it appears to have been defunct during the time he suffered these "terroristic injuries" by the DNC. So Page would like a federal court to apply Oklahoma's state defamation law, and award him all the monies, please.

He's not suing on behalf of the Oklahoma, LLC, of course. No, this is a clever ploy (or something) to get jurisdiction in Oklahoma, because, Carter Page LIVES NOWHERE.

Does he have a drivers license? A passport? Or does he live in his red bucket hat? No one knows! And if there is no space dimension, does Carter Pageland exist in linear time? Because the Oklahoma statute of limitations for libel, slander, and defamation is one year. And you don't need Brett Kavanaugh's calendar to tell you that September 2016 is more than one year ago.

(Goddammit, this is like going to lawschool in reverse! Torts -- gone. CivPro -- like it never happened.)

Also, ACRONYMS, HOW DO THEY WORK? Global Natural Gas Ventures LLC ("GNVG")?


Carter Page is so mad, you guys! When news outlets heard about The Dodgy Dossier, they called him up and asked him whether he met with Rosneft CEO Igor Sechin and Russian official Igor Diveykin in Moscow, and he told them NO WAY!

Except when he testified to the House Intelligence Committee, Page admitted that he did have conversations with subordinates for Sechin and Divyekin. Which he failed to mention when he was DOUBLE-NO-COMMENTING to reporters in the summer of 2016, ooopsie! But that's not important now. What's important is that the DNC solicited the raw intelligence, and some of the details were wrong, so obviously it is terroristic defamation!

Also, you can't be a private person and simultaneously the foreign policy advisor to a major presidential campaign. Carter Page might wish to avail himself of the lower defamation standard for public persons, and we might wish that we could get back the thirty minutes we spent reading this dreck, but we're all shit outta luck, or SLO in Pagespeak.

If We Ever Write A Sentence Like This, Editrix Must YOU'RE FIRED Us Immediately!


Carter Page, International Man of Mystery, Pissing In His Pants Over Scary Phone Calls

Christopher Steele got some names wrong in The Dodgy Dossier, and then the DNC said that Carter Page was trying to earn a multi-million dollar commission on the sale of Rosneft by talking to a different Russian from the actual Russian he was trying to do business with, and then Yahoo printed it, and then Carter Page suffered "life-threatening damages" like this mean phone call.

Quit laughing, you cock sucking mother fuckers, it's not funny! It's also very much against The Rules!

Never Get High On Your Own Supply, CARTER!

The DNC committed terrorism on Carter Page by saying mean things about him! Your Honor, you must LOCK THEM UP and give Carter Page ALL THE MONIES!

Also, please note our favorite sentence in this here shitshow.

The defamatory statements demonstrate a reckless disregard for the risk of causing such terror or inconvenience.


A Pro Se Civil RICO Complaint? HOW CAN YOU LOSE?

After accusing the DNC of tortiously interfering with Carter Page's very successful business contracts by saying he talked to a different Russian than the one he actually talked to so no one wanted to do business with the boy wonder no more -- which is not how it works, but don't stop here, this is BAT COUNTRY -- Page went on to allege the DNC and its law firm Perkins Coie were part of a corrupt organizational conspiracy to ... something? Put one over on the FISA court? Harm the "Trump Movement"?

Okay, that's enough of this shit. We're all stupider now. But not as stupid as Carter Page.

[Carter Page Complaint, via Court Listener]

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Only for you, Boychiks and Meydeles, would we read this dreck! Maybe a little gelt in the jar is in order?

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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