IG Report Takes 476 Pages To Destroy Every Conspiracy Theory In Trump's Stupid Leaking Brain

Big news, everyone, and it is that Donald Trump believes a lot of things that aren't true. We know. We were surprised and upset by this development too.

You probably already know that the much-heralded inspector general report from Department of Justice IG Michael Horowitz has been released, and in 476 pages it confirms absolutely nothing that Donald Trump and Republicans have been saying about it. There was no Deep State plot against Trump, the Russia investigation was opened for completely correct and non-politically-biased reasons, spying did not occur, Bill Barr, and aside from a few fuckups with Carter Page's FISA applications, everything was on the up-and-up.

Oh, this must burn! Why, it's burning Fox News idiots so much that they've chosen to just lie about what's in it, since they know the Venn diagram of "people who read things" and "people who watch Fox News" is just two circles that aren't even on the same piece of paper, that's how unlikely it is they'll ever meet. (Chris Wallace was a notable exception. He told the truth on Fox News.)

They're of course just following their lord and savior's lead:

LOL OK, let's unpack this. Donald Trump doesn't read things and may not be able to, therefore he has no fucking idea what's in the IG report besides what his sycophantic aides have told him and what Sean Hannity has upchucked into his maw like a mama bird.

OK, we are finished unpacking this! (More on the Chris Wray part of it in a minute.)

Trump also commented on the report he had not read yesterday at the White House:

"The IG report just came out and I was just briefed on it. It's a disgrace what has happened with respect to the things that were done to our country — should never again happen to another president," Trump said. "It is incredible, far worse than I would've ever thought possible, and it's is an embarrassment to our country. It's dishonest. It's everything that a lot of people thought it would be except far worse." [...]

"This was an overthrow of government. This was an attempted overthrow — people were in on it and they got caught, they got caught red-handed and I look forward to the Durham report which is coming out in the not-too-distant future," Trump said.

OK, crazy man, talkin' about the "overthrow of a government" involving an investigation that began in 2016, when Trump was not president.

Talking Points Memo (that link above) has the videos, in case you have literally nothing to do with your life today and have hit rock bottom and for some reason want to watch that yapping lying probably-senile mouth-hole talk.

So What Does The Report Sayyyyyyyyyy?

We hate to break it to you, but we haven't had a chance to read all 476 pages yet and are having to cheat off other people who have. (It's not like we were covering a nine-hour impeachment hearing live or anything!)

Like we said, though, it found that the Trump-Russia "Crossfire Hurricane" investigation was correctly predicated, without political bias, and that they did not use the NAUGHTY BAD Steele Dossier as their excuse to open it -- at all. It really was Trump campaign idiot George Papadopoulos drunk-spooging all over the Australian diplomat in London in 2016 about how his mysterious Maltese perfesser friend told him Russia was going to bone Hillary Clinton's campaign right in the emails, a thing the Australian government immediately told its counterparts in the FBI.

It was not started by Peter Strzok and Lisa Page with their text messages. In fact, Strzok and Page didn't have much to do with the decision to open the investigation at all.

The FBI did have some trouble deciding whether to give the Trump campaign so-called "defensive briefings," to let them know that HELLO, THERE ARE RUSSIANS IN YOUR CAMPAIGN, because here's why:

[Then-FBI counterintelligence chief Bill] Priestap stated that he considered whether the FBI should conduct defensive briefings for the Trump campaign but ultimately decided that providing such briefings created the risk that 'if someone on the campaign was engaged with the Russians, he/she would very likely change his/her tactics and/or otherwise seek to cover-up his/her activities, thereby preventing us from finding the truth.'

And like we said, Horowitz found some fuckups with the FISA applications on Carter Page, and that yes, they did use the Steele Dossier as part of their predication for deciding to spy on Page, but it wasn't remotely just that. There was lots of other evidence too. Which we knew, because we've read the damn FISA applications.


OK just kidding, it does not say Ivanka and Chris Steele used to bone, but they totally met in 2007 and kept in touch here and there for years afterward, which is why Steele thought it was so bugfuck that people thought he was some sort of Deep State operative against Trump.

ABC News explains:

In his discussion with investigators from the inspector general's office, Steele cited his past cordial relationship with Ivanka Trump as reason to believe that he was not biased against her.

"If anything he was 'favorably disposed' towards the Trump family before he began his research," he told the investigators, the report says.

Steele told investigators he met with "a Trump family member at Trump Tower and 'been friendly' with [the family member] for some years," even gifting the person "a family tartan," and that the idea he was biased against the family from the start was "ridiculous," according to the report.


If you want to look at more highlights, TPM put together a little roundup of all the weird-ass Trump conspiracies that have been utterly destroyed by this IG report. Spoiler, it says SPYING DID NOT OCCUR, BILL BARR.

Which means no "wire tapps."

Womp womp!


Trump idiots were awaiting this damn thing like the Christ child.

They were buying baubles of gold, anointing their naughty bits with frankincense and cramming myrrh up their butts, because instead of googling "what am I supposed to use myrrh for," they just figured they would put it up their butts. Last week during impeachment hearings, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Pizza Crusts) had a blubbering tantrum about the upcoming release of the IG report. "YOU'LL SEE!" he seemed to be screaming, like somebody about to be led away in a straitjacket.

It didn't turn out that way, so time to lie a lot!

Like Trump, Attorney General Bill Barr flew into action to lie and obfuscate and throw a temper tantrum about the IG report. Here are the most whiny-ass parts of Barr's statement, with corrections added within the text:

The Inspector General's report now makes clear that the FBI launched an intrusive investigation of a U.S. presidential campaign on the thinnest of suspicions that, in my view, were insufficient to justify the steps taken. (Not remotedly what it said.) It is also clear that, from its inception, the evidence produced by the investigation was consistently exculpatory. (Nope not that either.)

ACTUALLY the IG report specifically says the FBI properly followed the rules for making such a probe the "least intrusive" it possibly could be. Hell, it's not like they announced they were investigating Trump's campaign 11 days before the election like he was Hillary Clinton or something! (Which has always been the thing that debunked Trump's dumbass Deep State Witch Hunt conspiracy theories in the first place. Both candidates were under FBI investigation before the election. We only found out about one of those investigations before the election, because the FUCKING FBI DIRECTOR ANNOUNCED IT.)

After ranting about the FISA nitpicks Horowitz found and trying to act like they're the real center of the story, Barr finally continued:

No one is more dismayed about the handling of these FISA applications than Director Wray. (Oh man, that is NOT what Chris Wray said. More on that in a second!)

There were more words, but you don't want to read them, because go fuck yourself, Bill Barr.

Nobody is surprised Bill Barr decided to undermine his own inspector general as punishment for failing to TOTALLY EXONERATE Donald Trump. Barr is like a low-rent Big Lots all-you-can-eat early bird special buffet version of Roy Cohn, so of course he'll declare war on the Justice Department he's charged with running when it refuses to make up conspiracy theories for Donald Trump.

What surprised people more was that US Attorney John Durham -- the guy Barr hand-selected to lead their super-psycho-sexy international-dorks-of-mystery alternate version of the investigation into the origins of the Russia probe, but who nonetheless is highly respected even among normal people who aren't Bill Barr -- released his own snitty-ass statement.

I have the utmost respect for the mission of the Office of Inspector General and the comprehensive work that went into the report prepared by Mr. Horowitz and his staff. However, our investigation is not limited to developing information from within component parts of the Justice Department. Our investigation has included developing information from other persons and entities, both in the U.S. and outside of the U.S. Based on the evidence collected to date, and while our investigation is ongoing, last month we advised the Inspector General that we do not agree with some of the report's conclusions as to predication and how the FBI case was opened.

Oh fuck off.

Children, that's what it looks like when Bill Barr puts his hand up the back of another man's dress and plays puppetmaster. You know, allegedly.

To be clear, this is a US attorney chiming in about a different investigation he had nothing to do with and saying NUH UH!!!!!!!!111!!!

Is this normal? This is not normal. Preet Bharara, is this normal?

Did Durham violate Department of Justice policy with that statement? Some former DOJ types on the TV sure seem to think so!

The One Person Telling The Truth

As you might guess from the mad tweet from the Russia-appointed king of America above, FBI Director Chris Wray is notably dissenting and refusing to play ball with Bill Barr and lie about what's in the IG report.

He's embracing the parts where it says "Do better!" and he's embracing the parts where it says "Gold star!" And yes, he even means the part where the FBI spied on Carter Page, which, though there were some fuckups, was a totally sensible thing to do, according to the IG report:

WRAY: The inspector general did not find political bias or improper motivations impacting the opening of the investigation or the decision to use certain investigative tools during the investigations.

ABC NEWS: Including FISA?

WRAY: Including FISA.

Wow, he just sounds so very dismayed, just like Bill Barr said. Or the opposite of that. Wray says he's ordering 40 corrective actions to fix the "do better" stuff Horowitz found, but otherwise Wray doesn't sound particularly upset. We are beginning to question his commitment to Sparkle Motion, TBH.

Trump's rage-tweeting this morning suggests Wray's job might be in danger, because of Wray's terrible habit of telling the truth. It also suggests the president might have had to flush 10, 15, 25, or 300 times this morning, because #BadBowels.

We're sure we'll have more to say about the IG report as time goes on, and we have a chance to read more of it for ourselves.

But for now, we'll just close with former congressman and current Fox News dipshit Jason Chaffetz whining about the findings of the IG report, complaining that "every time something turns, it's always against Donald Trump, it's never in his favor!"

Maybe Donald Trump is a lying fucking loser with an extremely bad brain, Jason. Maybe that's what it is.


Here's the report. Read if you like!

[IG report / Talking Points Memo / ABC News / Barr statement]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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