Illinois Republicans Bravely Propose To Secede From Chicago

Illinois Republicans Bravely Propose To Secede From Chicago

Two brave Illinois GOP state legislators are so sick of Chicago's gays and liberals and their gay liberal mayor and its gay $532 billion economy and its gay St. Patrick's Day Parade that they have finally just proposed the obvious: wall the damn place off, and let everyone else in Illinois form their own state. Chicago will get to keep everything that is currently located there, and the freedom-loving hillbillies will get to keep the other 16% of the state's $630 billion economy and the state prisons. (PSSST, TAKE THE DEAL, CHICAGO.) Because, why not? Illinois is America's "microcosm," so what better place to finally give up on "America" as a place where competing viewpoints work to coexist and just hold this experiment already?

Reps. Bill Mitchell and Adam Brown claim their downstate constituents "are tired of Chicago dictating its views to the rest of us," through democracy and the votes of the state legislature, like Stalinist Russia. Hm, so who would they rather resemble?


Rep. Mitchell brought up the state of Indiana multiple times Tuesday morning and said that he would like Illinois to become more like its neighbor to the east. "Take a look at Indiana. Their population is similar to the new Illinois we are proposing. But there are some fundamental differences between Indiana and Illinois as it exists now: Indiana doesn't have a budget deficit; they haven't raised taxes to pay for more government spending; they have a lower unemployment rate than Illinois. And what's the biggest difference? Indiana doesn't have Chicago."

Oh look! History just popped a strange cherry, it's the first time "someone genuinely wishes he lived in Indiana." []


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