Democrats officially announced two (2) articles of impeachment against Donald Trump this morning, which is significantly fewer than the number of actual crimes Donald Trump has committed while in office. But hey, Americans are a simple-minded, easily distracted folk, so let's keep it simple enough that they can count the articles on their balls, without having to resort to difficult counting that involves fingers and toes.

The articles are "abuse of power" and "obstruction of Congress," both of which actually encompass quite a lot. Did Trump commit bribery? Fuck yeah he did, file that one under "abuse of power."

Here's some text:

Using the powers of his high office, President Trump solicited the interference of a foreign government, Ukraine, in the 2020 United States Presidential election. He did so through a scheme or course of conduct that included soliciting the Government of Ukraine to publicly announce investigations that would benefit his reelection, harm the election prospects of a political opponent, and influence the 2020 United States Presidential election to his advantage. President Trump also sought to pressure the Government of Ukraine to take these steps by conditioning official United States government acts of significant value to Ukraine on its public announcement of investigations. President Trump engaged in this scheme or course of conduct for corrupt purposes in pursuit of personal political benefit. In so doing, President Trump used the powers of the Presidency in a manner that compromised the national security of the United States and undermined the integrity of the United States democratic process. He thus ignored and injured the interests of the Nation.

Simple as that.

The article explains exactly how Donald Trump committed his crimes, and notes that "These actions were consistent with President Trump's previous invitations of foreign interference in United States elections." You know, like RUSSIA IF YOU'RE LISTENING and CHINA IF YOU'RE LISTENING.

God knows how many other nations Trump has been hitting up, but we bet if enterprising journalists decided to poke around in countries Vladimir Putin wants something from, they might find something. We are just guessing.

The abuse of power section concludes:

Wherefore President Trump, by such conduct, has demonstrated that he will remain a threat to national security and the Constitution if allowed to remain in office, and has acted in a manner grossly incompatible with self-governance and the rule of law. President Trump thus warrants impeachment and trial, removal from office, and disqualification to hold and enjoy any office of honor, trust, or profit under the United States.


Just kidding, we will wait for a judge to tell Trump that once he's out of office and sent to prison by a judge and a jury.

We are glad Congress included the part about "he will remain a threat to national security," because that's why this is happening right now. Trump allowed Russia to cheat him into office in 2016, and, as a person who's never accomplished anything in life without cheating, decided he'd do it again, this time helping Russia by bribing Ukraine for electoral reacharounds, while simultaneously weakening America's commitment to Ukraine in the face of Russian aggression. Fuck, Rudy Giuliani has been committing the crime for Trump in Ukraine this week.

House Intel Committee Chair Adam Schiff weighed in this morning on that aspect:

"The argument, 'Why don't you just wait?' amounts to this: 'Why don't you just let him cheat in one more election? Why not let him cheat just one more time? Why not let him have foreign help just one more time?'" Schiff said.

The article on obstruction of Congress reads similarly, noting that no president in the history of ever has acted with such "complete defiance" toward a constitutional impeachment inquiry, and lists what Trump did to obstruct Congress, because he knows what he did.

House Judiciary Committee Chair Jerry Nadler announced the articles this morning in a press conference flanked by Nancy Pelosi and fellow Democratic committee chairs, including Maxine Waters, who wore an "I'VE BEEN SAYING" look on her face the entire time.

Special Report: Democratic leaders announce articles of impeachment against

Donald Trump weighed in after the presser from the comfort of his golden shitter:

Yeah OK.

Only if you're smoking really bad drugs can you possibly think that investigating Joe Biden to help Trump get re-elected amounts to a favor for us, as in we, the American people.

LOL fuck off, President Crimey.

Republicans gave their own presser in response, but we are not covering that, as we are unconcerned with the un-defenses of un-patriots as they endeavor to protect criminal un-presidents at all costs.

These articles will be easy for every Democrat to vote for, and if any Republicans decided to pull their heads out of Donald Trump's ass and suddenly remember their oaths of office, they could vote for them too. And with that, Trump will be impeached, it'll move to a trial in the Senate, and regardless of the outcome, an asterisk will be added next to Trump's name in the history books. (Oh wait, a second asterisk. The first asterisk is because his first election was illegitimate.)

These articles come on a day Trump is yet again in the Oval Office giving Russian foreign minister Sergei Lavrov god-knows-what national security secrets, and maybe getting a briefing on what Putin plans to do for him in the 2020 election, you just never know what those two kids might talk about!

You know, in case you needed another reminder of how urgent this is.

The Judiciary Committee will vote on these articles on Thursday, and it looks like the whole House will do so next week, and then Trump will get an impeachment in his Christmas stocking, a skidmark on his sad presidency he will take to his natural earthly grave.

Joyeux Noël, everyone!

[articles of impeachment]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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