In Coincidence Utterly Devoid Of Cosmic Irony, Dick Cheney's Rifle Malfunctions During Hunting Contest
As it turns out, we're rather happy that we didn't do anything with the tip we received last week about Dick Cheney's participation in the then-upcoming "One Shot Antelope Hunt." Sure, Cheney + Gun = Funny. But by waiting, we now have a far better combination:Cheney + Gun + Malfunction. Yes. That'll do, Dick. That'll do.
Cheney's gun failed to fire during Saturday's competition, causing his team to lose the exciting animal-killing contest, whose website deliberately trolls grammar Nazis by calling it "one of the most unique sporting events in the world today." And don't even get us started on the event's "impressive Indian Ceremony" ... OK, now that we've read the damn thing, we can't un-read it:
In the evening an impressive Indian Ceremony is held in the which the hunters hear the “Legend of the Hunt” and are made blood brothers of the Shoshone Indian Tribe. Each hunter is given an Indian Name, which usually corresponds to his vocation. He is also given a sacred Indian Medicine Bag and his bullet is blessed for the hunt.
Oh, but does the lamestream media (including TPM's aggregation source, Casper TV station KTWO) tell us Dick Cheney's special Indian Name? We bet it's "Dances With Halliburton" or "Walks Without Heartbeat." And yes, it is 2013 and somehow the former Veep's participation in an event with fake Indian Ceremonies is not part of the lede. (At least we assume they're fake, but who knows -- if Shoshone tribe members are making a few bucks on these assholes, good for them.)
Anyway, the post-hunt awards ceremonies were full of Manly Ribbing about shooting and stuff. The other two members of Cheney's team, which included Wyoming Gov. Matt Mead, both made their shots, but all three members of the winning team, sponsored by the Remington firearms company, made theirs, which led the captain of the winning team to make a funny manly joke:
"It shouldn't surprise anyone that Dick Cheney's gun had a major malfunction today, he had Remington ammunition," Jeff 'Doc' Sinchack said, as quoted by KTWO. "But the good news is, his gun didn't work and nobody got hurt."
The architect of Bush Administration foreign policy took the malfunction in stride, because once you've fucked up a couple of wars in the middle east, what's a little misfire while you're trying to shoot an ungulate?
"I don't take it personally," Cheney told the crowd at the event's awards banquet. "I'm sure there was some flaw with the manufacturer. But I will be back next year and I have enjoyed it, it's been fantastic."
Cheney then grinned with his trademark death's-head rictus and sucked the life essence from an orphan brought for him to feed upon.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.