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Just another normal day in the United States of Freedomland, where the apple pie is apple-y and the president is president-y ...

Quick, George, better get a joint defense agreement with Devin Nunes's cow, because you have really hurt Trump's feelings, which is illegal now.

Conway, of course, responded:

And this:

And also this Captain Queeg reference, because what's better than making fun of Donald Trump to his face? Making fun of him with jokes he's too stupid to understand:

Conway also retweeted all the other mean tweets he's sent about Trump in the past several days, because his real point seems to be forcing people to reckon with the fact that there is a literal madman in the Oval Office with the nuclear codes. (And his wife is trapped in there!)


When we last left this very important story, George Conway, husband of Kellyanne, had been tweeting screenshots from the DSM-5 of mental disorders Donald Trump probably has, which came in response to Trump's latest lonely weekend Twitter cry-fest about everything that makes him feel stupid and unloved, like noted dead person John McCain.

The narrative took a twisty turn Monday night when Brad Parscale, the human ball of roadkill pubes that does numbers for the Trump campaign, dove in to defend Kellyanne Conway, because it's totally normal for dudes to get on Twitter and attack their coworkers' husbands.

Is Parscale full of shit? Of course he is. George Conway explained to the Washington Post that actually it was he who turned Trump down for the Justice Department job, and he shared an anecdote where Trump told him at a party that he was really smart to say no to that job, because WHINE WHINE JEFF SESSIONS RECUSAL WHINE WHINE. Typical Trump shit. Conway responded that it was pretty clear Sessions had to recuse, and Trump did not like that, because Trump is a sad man with thin skin.

And of course, because Conway has receipts for his claims -- unlike the Trump campaign, which would show us the receipts of how they won the election, if the receipts weren't in a warehouse outside Moscow, ALLEGEDLY -- the Washington Post has the very respectful letter where Conway told Trump THX BUT EAT DIX to a job at his Justice Department.

Conway also shared that of course Trump knows who he is, as they've known each other for approximately 100 years, and oh yeah, his wife is one of the most senior advisers to the president, so this "I don't know her" defense is pretty lame, even for Trump, who is extremely lame.

He shared his rationale for mean-tweeting the president while his wife goes to work every day to serve Captain Shithole:

"It's so maddening to watch," said Conway, a longtime Washington attorney who is well-known in conservative circles. "The mendacity, the incompetence, it's just maddening to watch. The tweeting is just the way to get it out of the way, so I can get it off my chest and move on with my life that day. That's basically it. Frankly, it's so I don't end up screaming at her about it."

Say it with us, but not like you mean it: "Awwwww."

Parscale kept tweeting, though, because maybe this time Kellyanne Conway would notice him defending her and maybe they could have a romance moment on the Truman Balcony where she is wearing a dress and she says "Oh Brad!" a lot and Parscale might get to try his hand at sex, you know, ALLEGEDLY, because we have literally no fucking idea what goes through his mind:

SIDENOTE: Remember the last big round of this, when Eric Trump reclaimed his mantle as The Dumb And Gross And Psychosexually Obvious Trump Spawn from his big brother and started trying to tweet like he was Kellyanne Conway's knight in shining armor, we guess because Eric Trump has a White House crush, and it is KAC?

Put that thing back in your pants, honey, it looks like your face and is therefore frightening everyone.

Of course, Trump saw Parscale's tweet, and issued a presidential retweet:

And Conway responded to that one too:

We will update you when the next very important plot twist in this saga occurs, which if it's anything like last time, will involve Kellyanne Conway trying to give the Washington Post quotes about her own marriage ON BACKGROUND, citing "a person familiar with their relationship," by which she means herself, because she's a lying asshole like that, just like her boss, THE END.

Unless she's one of the off-the-record sources for the same Washington Post interview we quoted above:

Conway went on a lengthy rant about her husband to several guests at a British Embassy party for members of Congress last month, including New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd, NBC anchor Andrea Mitchell and former Post journalist Sally Quinn, according to two attendees, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to describe a private conversation.

Conway told the group that she and the president think her husband is jealous of her, and that the president has kept her at a prominent place in the administration because he trusts her and wants to "protect her," the attendees said.

Gross.

OK, the end! For real this time!

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Good morning, America! Attorney General Bill Barr is doing a presser at 9:30 AM EDT about the Mueller report, which nobody will be able to see until around noon or after, once Congress gets the redacted report on CDs. Seeing as that is bullshit, there's no reason to watch this thing, as journalists won't be able to ask him questions about a document they haven't seen. So ... go back to bed, everyone!

Ugh, fine, we guess we will do this, and that is because we care, even though we are quite certain HGTV is doing some kind of very important "Property Brothers" marathon that adds much more of value to the national discourse, and also covers it up with shiplap accent walls. Does Bill Barr do cover-ups with shiplap? No, because he doesn't have the good taste for that.

Reportedly, we are going to hear from Barr why certain things were redacted, including why he thinks certain facts are subject to executive privilege, which is funny because he is not the president and therefore cannot invoke executive privilege. But oh whatever! Details! Robert Mueller won't be there and none of his team will be there, which tells you something about how they feel about this whole process. If they felt like this was on the up-and-up, you'd imagine they might show up to present a united front. As that is not happening, assume the entire thing is a bullshit act meant to help Donald Trump set the narrative for what will otherwise be a very bad day for him.

The New York Times reported last night that the White House has already been briefed on significant portions of the report, because Bill Barr is a rightwing scam artist piece of shit who gives the Trump White House reacharounds. The briefings have reportedly been very helpful for the White House in coming up with how to rebut today's report, which is funny because we thought Trump said this report was a full exoneration, NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION. (Actually nope on both counts, since Mueller didn't decide the obstruction question, and even according to Barr's mash notes, he took a very limited view of the conspiracy question, focusing on the Russian government's hack and dump WikiLeaks operation.)

Anyway, assuming Trump is right about full exoneration, we guess Rudy Giuliani's rebuttal will state that Trump is guilty, full stop. Because that's what "rebuttal" means, correct?

Committee chairs in the House including Jerry Nadler, Adam Schiff and Maxine Waters have called upon Bill Barr to cancel today's briefing, as it is useless horseshit. Because Barr literally gives zero fucks about his reputation and apparently is OK with going down in history as a fecal stain on our institutions and the rule of law, the show will go on.

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Now What? Wonkagenda For Thurs., April 18, 2019

Bill Barr's book report, the NRA is doomed, and Johnny Cash will watch over the Capitol. Your morning news brief!

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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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