In Tonight's Performance, The Role Of 'Devin Nunes's Cow' Will Be Played By George Conway
Just another normal day in the United States of Freedomland, where the apple pie is apple-y and the president is president-y ...
Quick, George, better get a joint defense agreement with Devin Nunes's cow, because you have really hurt Trump's feelings, which is illegal now.
Conway, of course, responded:
And also this Captain Queeg reference, because what's better than making fun of Donald Trump to his face? Making fun of him with jokes he's too stupid to understand:
Conway also retweeted all the other mean tweets he's sent about Trump in the past several days, because his real point seems to be forcing people to reckon with the fact that there is a literal madman in the Oval Office with the nuclear codes. (And his wife is trapped in there!)
When we last left this very important story, George Conway, husband of Kellyanne, had been tweeting screenshots from the DSM-5 of mental disorders Donald Trump probably has, which came in response to Trump's latest lonely weekend Twitter cry-fest about everything that makes him feel stupid and unloved, like noted dead person John McCain.
The narrative took a twisty turn Monday night when Brad Parscale, the human ball of roadkill pubes that does numbers for the Trump campaign, dove in to defend Kellyanne Conway, because it's totally normal for dudes to get on Twitter and attack their coworkers' husbands.
Is Parscale full of shit? Of course he is. George Conway explained to the Washington Post that actually it was he who turned Trump down for the Justice Department job, and he shared an anecdote where Trump told him at a party that he was really smart to say no to that job, because WHINE WHINE JEFF SESSIONS RECUSAL WHINE WHINE. Typical Trump shit. Conway responded that it was pretty clear Sessions had to recuse, and Trump did not like that, because Trump is a sad man with thin skin.
And of course, because Conway has receipts for his claims -- unlike the Trump campaign, which would show us the receipts of how they won the election, if the receipts weren't in a warehouse outside Moscow, ALLEGEDLY -- the Washington Post has the very respectful letter where Conway told Trump THX BUT EAT DIX to a job at his Justice Department.
Conway also shared that of course Trump knows who he is, as they've known each other for approximately 100 years, and oh yeah, his wife is one of the most senior advisers to the president, so this "I don't know her" defense is pretty lame, even for Trump, who is extremely lame.
He shared his rationale for mean-tweeting the president while his wife goes to work every day to serve Captain Shithole:
"It's so maddening to watch," said Conway, a longtime Washington attorney who is well-known in conservative circles. "The mendacity, the incompetence, it's just maddening to watch. The tweeting is just the way to get it out of the way, so I can get it off my chest and move on with my life that day. That's basically it. Frankly, it's so I don't end up screaming at her about it."
Say it with us, but not like you mean it: "Awwwww."
Parscale kept tweeting, though, because maybe this time Kellyanne Conway would notice him defending her and maybe they could have a romance moment on the Truman Balcony where she is wearing a dress and she says "Oh Brad!" a lot and Parscale might get to try his hand at sex, you know, ALLEGEDLY, because we have literally no fucking idea what goes through his mind:
SIDENOTE: Remember the last big round of this, when Eric Trump reclaimed his mantle as The Dumb And Gross And Psychosexually Obvious Trump Spawn from his big brother and started trying to tweet like he was Kellyanne Conway's knight in shining armor, we guess because Eric Trump has a White House crush, and it is KAC?
Put that thing back in your pants, honey, it looks like your face and is therefore frightening everyone.
Of course, Trump saw Parscale's tweet, and issued a presidential retweet:
And Conway responded to that one too:
We will update you when the next very important plot twist in this saga occurs, which if it's anything like last time, will involve Kellyanne Conway trying to give the Washington Post quotes about her own marriage ON BACKGROUND, citing "a person familiar with their relationship," by which she means herself, because she's a lying asshole like that, just like her boss, THE END.
Unless she's one of the off-the-record sources for the same Washington Post interview we quoted above:
Conway went on a lengthy rant about her husband to several guests at a British Embassy party for members of Congress last month, including New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd, NBC anchor Andrea Mitchell and former Post journalist Sally Quinn, according to two attendees, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to describe a private conversation.
Conway told the group that she and the president think her husband is jealous of her, and that the president has kept her at a prominent place in the administration because he trusts her and wants to "protect her," the attendees said.
OK, the end! For real this time!
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