Inconsolable Donald Trump Jr. Wishes Daddy Wouldn't Be President No More!

poor baby

A malaise exists in the royal family of HRH Donald of Trump! No, not Queen Melania, although we assume she hates her husband as much as she always did and wishes she could go back to Manhattan where ALLEGEDLY she has an ALLEGEDLY hot security guard dude who works on the first floor of ALLEGEDLY Trump Tower, whom she's been ALLEGEDLY banging for years. It's not Princess Ivanka or Prince Jared, because she's a craven, power-hungry asshole and he's a craven, power-hungry asshole and together they are craven, power-hungry assholes. It's not Prince Eric, because he's too stupid to have feelings. (Though he did recently get promoted to Second Dumbest Trump Offspring!)

No, it's Prince Dicksnot Junior. Poor, poor, pitiful, put-upon Prince Dicksnot Junior. Everybody's a-pickin' on him just because he's dumb like a common Prince Eric and took a Russian conspiracy meeting with a bunch of Russians, just to do Russian conspiracies to help his dad become president, likely in the deep, abiding hope that maybe for the first time ever, Daddy would be proud of him. Daddy defended him taking the Russian meeting and said he's a good young boy (he's 39 and a father of five), but he's still worried Daddy might take to a-slappin' him again ALLEGEDLY, like he ALLEGEDLY did in front of all Junior's friends when he was in college. (That is sad.)

People magazine has the news:

Long outshone by his sister—first at the Trump Organization and now in the White House, where she and her husband, Jared Kushner, have West Wing offices and White House titles—Don Jr. has had a harder time adapting to life after the election. [...]

Most weekends, he escapes Trump Tower Manhattan to a rustic cabin upstate with his wife, Vanessa, and their five children. He’s a regular at the Riverside Café in Roscoe, New York, where the manager says Trump Jr. is “good people,” doesn’t seek attention, and “never has his hair slicked back like he does on TV.”

Holy shit, his hair doesn't always look like he's been changing tires with his face? PICS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

According to People, #LifeSux for Junior these days because he doesn't get to do deals anymore, because all the fake news media is always like "Oh look, Uday and Qusay are doing Russian emoluments for their dad again. When will these vaguely human lifeforms please go to jail?" It's enough to make a young innocent boy like Donald Trump Jr. pull the covers over his head and have a meltdown!

No for real:

Adds a source in their circle: “Don can’t do any deals, because he’ll be overly scrutinized. He just goes to work every day and is miserable.”

Even worse, the People article has so-called "ethics experts" saying things like maybe Junior did "treason," just because he springed a stiffy ("I love it!") when the Russians offered to do Russian conspiracies with him by giving him Russian dirt on the evil ogress Benghazi McEmails, and did he mention he was just trying to help Daddy because Daddy is the best and the smartest and grabs only the best pusses and oh boy maybe one day he'll be just like Daddy? He only does these things for Daddy:

“The loyalty within this family is insane,” says a family friend especially close to Don Jr. and Eric. “They would never speak against their dad.”

Adds the source in the brothers’ circle, “You can’t bite the hand that feeds you, but he [Don Jr.] can’t wait for these four years to be over.”

Hahaha, note that the "source in the brothers' circle" did not say EIGHT YEARS.

At press time, Junior was lying on his couch wrapped in the skins of exotic dead animals he murdered, eating peanut butter right out of the tub with a spork, binge-watching "Sex And The City," and wondering if maybe it's time to focus on his own needs for a change.

Then Ivanka kicked him in the nuts and called him a pussy and he started crying again, ALLEGEDLY.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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