Definitely what Jesus would do

Quick question: Does this sound like healthcare to you?

Gov. Mike Pence announced a $3.5 million contract Monday with the anti-abortion organization Real Alternatives. [...]

The stated purpose of the Pennsylvania-based Real Alternatives is to "actively promote childbirth instead of abortion." [...]

[Pence] called the move an "important step" for the health of women and families.

In the contract, Real Alternatives is bringing resources to existing pregnancy centers and adoption and social services agencies "so more women can be served and fewer abortions chosen."

Of course it doesn't sound like healthcare to you, because you are not a "pro-life" idiot, like Indiana Gov. Mike Pence (R-As If Couldn't Have Guessed). You know that telling ladies to "choose life" is in no way equivalent to, say, smearing their pap holes to make sure they don't have cancer in their ladyparts. Or squeezing their boobies or prescribing their contraception for sexing and not-sexing purposes. Or any of the number of things that constitute actual lady healthcare provided by actual medical staff who went to school to learn how ladyparts work.

This group, Real Alternatives, which appears to be your typical crisis pregnancy center, does not do any of that. If you're worried about STDs, the group can refer you to a clinic that can test your cooter, but what you really need to know is how to say no to doing sex in the first place. Because we all know how effective "abstinence" is.

Think you might be pregnant? Well, Real Alternatives apparently doesn't employ any medical professionals to examine you, but it will provide you with a free stick to piss on and "a referral to a health care provider to confirm the results." Real Alternatives can also help you figure out how to tell your boyfriend he's gonna be a daddy -- and how to resist any attempts to "coerce" you into not having that baby.

Oh and if you're homeless, well, Real Alternatives can help you find a "temporary shelter" where you can crash until you pop that baby out, and also tell you about all the services available for to help out poor pregnant ladies who can't afford to feed or clothe or house themselves.

Funny thing, though. Guess where the $3.5 million is coming from?

The governor's office said the contract will be funded through existing monies from the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) program.

Cool! So the program that provides assistance to families in need will have less money to provide assistance to families in need so the state can instead invest in telling families in need to have more babies! What a fan-fucking-tastic plan! But maybe the state has a few million extra dollars to "actively promote childbirth" since Gov. Pence implemented "welfare reform" in 2014 because, as he explained:

“You know, it’s the old story,” he continued. “Give someone a fish, and they’ll eat for a day. Teach them to fish, they’ll eat for a lifetime. I think this is an idea whose time has come here in the state of Indiana.”

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So Gov. Pence is giving money to this "counseling" group -- that, again, does not actually provide any healthcare whatsoever but is somehow supposed to improve women's health, UH HUH -- to tell women that just because they're broke and homeless is no reason not to have that baby, because look at all these great programs to help them! Except that Gov. Pence made it that much harder to qualify for those programs because, come on, ladies, learn how to catch your own damn fish.

But hey, maybe with all those millions of dollars being taken from the mouths of Indiana's poorest residents and given to "pro-life" zealots, Real Alternatives could add a new program to counsel broke and homeless women on how to ask their boyfriends to teach them how to fish.

[The Indy Channel]

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

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Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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