Insider-Trading Disney Villain Kelly Loeffler Will Lose Her Senate Seat In Either November Or January

Kelly Loeffler, previously Number 6 from "Battlestar Galactica," is in big trouble. When Georgia's governor gives you a Senate seat with a side of curly fries, you shouldn't jeopardize your upcoming special election by reminding voters you exist, which Loeffler's done at the worst possible time, smack dab in the middle of a pandemic she might've profited from.

Thursday, Loeffler's office confirmed that the senator "forwarded documents and information" to the Department of Justice, the Securities and Exchange Commission, and the Senate Ethics Committee. Loeffler wants us to believe, because she apparently thinks we're stupid, that "she and her husband acted entirely appropriately and observed both the letter and the spirit of the law" when they unloaded millions in stocks like drowning rats after attending "COVID-19 is a bummer" briefings. She also bought stock in Citrix, a tech company that offers teleworking and eLearning software, while simultaneously assuring her constituents that Krypton was merely shifting its orbit.

Jor El and the Council of Krypton |

Georgia voters might not consider federal investigations into possible insider trading as serious as whatever email-related felonies Hillary Clinton committed, but it's still not a great look so close to the special election. According to an internal poll from a group backing Gov. Brian Kemp, the race for Loeffler's seat is “wide open." The November special election is a “jungle primary" or a “nonpartisan blanket primary" or more to the point, “what the hell are these words I'm reading?" Atlanta Magazine describes it as an “election without a primary -- something of a battle royale." It is nothing like a "battle royale," with or without cheese. A battle royale is a battle involving many combatants that continues until only one fighter is left standing (or sitting -- it doesn't matter that much once everyone else is dead). The special election isn't winner take all. You have to secure a majority of votes, and that's unlikely with everyone and their non-insider-trading mothers running. We can expect a runoff in January between the top two candidates.

Loeffler must fend off Republican House Rep. Doug Collins and Democrats Rev. Raphael Warnock and Matt Lieberman. Collins has positioned himself as a Donald Trump stooge who isn't a pandemic profiteer. This has helped him thump Loeffler in most recent polls. The Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee has endorsed Warnock, but Lieberman is the closest to denying Loeffler a second place finish. Finishing third means she'd lose her seat outright, and we'd all laugh and laugh until we started coughing and were afraid we had the coronavirus.

Lieberman is also former Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman's son. His campaign launch ad is kind of adorable. Win or lose, I want a Netflix original series about his family. Neither Lieberman nor Loeffler probably ate grits until they were well past 30, but as a former Georgia resident, I'm willing to overlook that in Lieberman's case because he's running on a far more liberal platform than his father ever did. The younger Lieberman has also made that clear that “technically [he and his father] are two different people."

Matt Lieberman is running for U.S.

Don't count Loeffler out just yet, though. She still has her secret weapon -- her leadership skills and relatability as a human-shaped politician. LOL! No, she's just rich as fuck. That's her super power. It's why Kemp picked her to fill retiring Sen. Johnny Isakson's seat over Collins, who Trump preferred. She's committed to spending $20 million of her own hard-earned, blood-free money on the special election. She's also trying to rebrand herself as a philanthropist.

From the AJC:

Rather than downplay her fortune, she's emphasized it. She shelled out a $1 million contribution to Albany's hard-hit hospital system, and her campaign hasn't been shy about advertising the meals or protective gear she's donated to health care workers, or that she's contributing her salary to charity.

Girlfriend pulled $20 million from her money bin for a Senate campaign. It's a given she's not interested in the $174,000 annual salary, especially when there are other benefits such as prestige, power, and knowing in advance when to dump stocks. She could've just given $20 million to charity and stayed home in her $10 million Tuxedo Park estate that even has its own name, Descante. (It features "dinosaur footprints in the kitchen floor, a 1500-year-old Etruscan statue, 17th century fireplaces imported from Cambridge University and 170-year-old parquet flooring from Versailles.")

The coronavirus hit Albany, Georgia, “like a bomb," and while no one is going to turn their nose up at $1 million, it's chump change compared to Loeffler's estimated $300 million fortune. It's less than half a percent! The median household salary in Georgia is roughly $56,000, and that's income not net worth. Still, if the average Georgian donated $250, their beneficence is on par with Loeffler's.

Arrested Development: Lucille Bluth Banana

Donate to Matt Lieberman's campaign here. Or Rev. Warnock's. Or both. Did I mention how much Loeffler sucks?

[Atlanta Journal-Constitution / The Daily Beast]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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