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(UPDATE: Lee Fang at Glenn Greenwald's Intercept says the House Intelligence Committee report is "discredited." In the interests of giving you all the info we have at our google, here is Barton Gellman -- who worked with Snowden and Greenwald on the document release -- saying it is ALL LIES.)


One of the ways in which your Wonkette diverges from our nominally lefty brethren is in the amount of esteem in which we hold Edward Snowden, Glenn Greenwald, and Julian Assange, i.e. not hardly. The three are currently a holy trinity of righteousness for the "progressives" on Twitter who think the worst thing to happen to the world is America, and the worst thing to happen to America is the Democrats, particularly Barack Obama and DEFINITELY Hillary Clinton. Thank God they helped stop her ascendancy, with her calls for every single populist policy their followers claim to demand.

They're currently holding the line in defense of that great humanitarian Vladimir Putin, while explaining to anyone who'll listen that it's Barack Obama who can't be trusted. And lefties are buying it, along with the fiction that the three are anything like progressive themselves. Do avail yourself of this link and the chance to read about how their opposition to American imperialism was totally coincidental to Obama becoming president; Assange's gross alliance with white nationalists -- which can still be seen today with Wikileaks' weird insistence on shrieking about "Jews"; Snowden's gun-nut Ron Paul politics; and Greenwald's caterwauling that anyone who pointed out he was making common cause with assholes was "McCarthyite" -- a slur that seems to have worked well for him, since now, all these years later, everyone's using it.

The three are near gods to people who hail them as brave whistle-blowing heroes even while they cry that they are being oppressed because the United States would still like to charge two of them with espionage, please, seeing as how they turned over millions upon millions of documents to foreign powers. (Snowden gave national security files directly to Russia, according to a Russian official. And Assange's Wikileaks gave US diplomatic cables to an Eastern European dictator, Alexander Lukashenko of Belarus, who used them to imprison dissidents. Greenwald just helped publish them, and also helped Snowden take flight to Russia.)

Very brief back story achieved, which brings us to today, and the House Intelligence Committee's report on Edward Snowden, which was declassified immediately before the holidays. And if we believe the House Intelligence Committee ... well. Apparently the entire reason Snowden went spy had nothing to do with his being upset about the NSA collecting our metadata, and instead was all about his bosses not listening to his advice when he was 23 years old.

In other words, Edward Snowden is a typical fucking Millennial.

Let's see if any of this sounds familiar!

The first time I was an editrix, at a teeny li'l paper in LA, we had the greatest intern. She was a self-starter, and really creative, and asked if she could make the entire arts section one week and interviewed Lynda Barry and got her to do cartoons for the margins, and everything about it was just THE BEST.

She also would yell at her boss every. single. day. She called him stupid, she screamed at him until he cried. She was 22 years old. Every day I would bring her into my office and explain that even if her boss were an idiot, she was not allowed to tell him that. The next day there they'd be, with him in tears and her screaming that he couldn't tell her what to do because he didn't know shit.

Now here is 23-year-old Edward Snowden explaining to his bosses at the CIA how stupid they are, and going over their heads to like the very top of the CIA, and when he gets smacked down he punishes them all by stealing 1.5 million files and giving them to Russia, for "privacy."

Suckers.

But he was totally right and they were lame and he knows all the stuff?

Weeeellll ...

CAME INTO WORK WHAT???? I mean obviously the correct answer is "drunk" or "on so much drugs" or just "surly like usual" but I would like it to be "naked, ding-dong a-floppin'." Because that skinny lil bitch is sexy af just kidding lol gross.

But privacy?

And also ...

LOL nice footnote guys.

Oh shit he's a pathological liar? :(

Only if you consider that he lies like a common Trump.

In conclusion

Good read, House Intel Committee! Of course, all of it is what that dastardly Barack Obama WANTS you to think, and if we just listened to very manly hero Vladimir Putin, who is currently housing and feeding Snowden and protecting him from the very mean United States, instead, we would know that the problem is Hillary Clinton. Dodged that bullet, eh boyos?

[Intelligence.house.gov]

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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