Oh yeah he helped Obama get the nomination, too!To the nation's shrinking pool of 80-year-old bitter white wingnuts, there is only one thing to know about liberal Taxachusetts leftist liberal Ted "Edward" Kennedy: Forty years ago, he showed the ultimate disrespect for Republican Political Traditions by getting in the car with an attractive girl .... And then he drove off a bridge and accidentally drowned the girl and spent several hours trying to sober up/get his story straight. But let there be no confusion. The only reason Wingnuts have ever been upset about Kennedy is a) He didn't hate black people, like they do, and b) He perhaps had a secret sexy time with a girl. There are other facts about the "Actual lion loose in the Senate," too!

  • Austrian dope-smoking superhero Arnold Schwarzenegger was Ted's brother-in-law or cousin or something.
  • Ted was nearly killed in a plane crash in 1964! Nobody knows about this story. In fact, Kennedy-hating fucktard David Denby once wrote a whole anime-porn comic book about your Wonkette specifically because the very old idiot David Denby had no idea Ted Kennedy was nearly killed in a small plane crash in 1964. This was in the Los Angeles Times!
  • All the Kennedy kids are all rapey. Ted Kennedy got in trouble once, in 1980s, because of the Kennedy boys always being so rapey. Ted was not keeping an eye on them, because he was so drunk and fat. This is true!
  • So true, in fact, that Utah Republican Mormon Orrin Hatch -- the scientific opposite of a Kennedy -- helped Ted slow down on the boozing. They were great friends, in the Senate!
  • Orrin Hatch also posted a very nice eulogy for Ted, on the Senate's website.
  • But it was the indignity of having some mean empty suit like Mitt Romney actually running a competitive race for Kennedy's Senate seat that slapped Ted back into shape. He straightened up, married for good this time, and stomped Romney.
  • Among his many, many, many Senate legislative victories, Ted led the charge to overturn Reagan's veto of the anti-apartheid sanctions. Yes, Republicans used to just flat out say "it's cool if black people in Africa are prisoners of some weird white wingnuts." (Now they say "socialism," but it's the same deal.)
  • Ted sunk Bork, too. But he couldn't sink Clarence Thomas, because Thomas was confirmed during the worst of Ted's boozing/skirt-chasing days, so he had to shut up and let Biden fuck up the confirmation hearings.
  • From a long, good piece about Ted Kennedy in The Nation: "Ted Kennedy has buried two assassinated brothers he loved, a brother-in-law (Steve Smith) who became like a brother to him, and three young nephews, including John Kennedy Jr., whom he eulogized as another Kennedy who did not live long enough "to comb gray hair." While Kennedy was still a teenager, his older siblings, Joe and Kathleen, died." Jesus.
  • Ted Kennedy gave the Obama girls a magic dog.

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