On Sunday, President Dipshit did a lot of tweeting all about how he was "hereby demanding" that the Department of Justice investigate whether or not Obama was using the FBI to spy on him during the 2016 campaign.

Inspired, Trump idiots across the internet began demanding President Obama's immediate removal from office with the hashtag #ImpeachObama.

Who is going to tell them? And how, exactly, do they imagine this would work?

I am thinking that it would be something like my second all time favorite historical incident, the Cadaver Synod (pictured above) -- in which Pope Stephen VI put his predecessor Formosus on trial for having been illegally declared Pope in the first place. However, it was a tad awkward, because Formosus was actually dead, and in order to put him on trial, they had to dig up his body and have a Deacon stand behind him doing his voice and pleading guilty to all the crimes.

Naturally, the ventriloquism act thoroughly convinced the cardinals on the jury, and he was un-Poped. So they threw him in the Tiber -- but then his dead body started doing miracles and so they sent Pope Stephen VI to jail, where he was later strangled to death. This led to the next pope re-Poping Formosus, and then the pope after that declaring it illegal to put a dead body on trial, and excommunicating all the Cardinals who found him guilty, and then the next pope after that -- who had been a co-judge at the trial -- undoing all of that.

I imagine that it would go something like that, complete with the ventriloquism, except that Obama is alive.

The actual constitutionality of whether or not a president who isn't in office is somewhat murky. It hasn't ever happened before, largely because it doesn't make any sense. If a former president were proven to have done something worthy of impeachment, it would make a lot more sense to address the issue through the criminal justice system than through impeachment. Also, all impeachment would do would be to prevent him from running for office again, which Obama is unlikely to do, because of a silly little thing called "the law."

There are two historical precedents for this in the United States, both of which occurred directly after the person being impeached left office in order to evade that fate. In 1797, Sen. William Blount of Tennessee quit before he could be charged with treason for helping the British steal Spanish land in Florida and was still impeached. Then, in 1876 there was William Belknap, a Secretary of War, who -- knowing that Congress was about to impeach him for taking a bunch of bribes -- ran sobbing into Ulysses S. Grant’s office with his letter of resignation. Congress was like "Not so fast, Billy!" and they voted to impeach him anyway.

However, they both ended up being acquitted because Congress was also like "This is stupid, it makes literally no sense to impeach someone who is no longer holding office."

One reason the Internet morons are hoping for impeachment -- which is, again, ridiculous because Barack Obama is not in office -- is because there is no way they would actually have enough evidence to try him in court. The other is that their president is so deeply stupid that all they can do these days is continue to scream about Obama and Hillary Clinton. It's kind of sad, really.


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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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Yesterday afternoon, 45-year-old Gary Martin of Aurora, Illinois was let go from his job at the Henry Pratt Company, a factory that manufactures water valves. In response, he took out a pistol with a laser scope and began shooting at random. He killed five people and injured six others who were just trying to make it through the day at the water valve factory, and then the police killed him.

His mother said he was "stressed out." He "seemed fine" according to the clerk at the Circle K where he bought his cigars that morning. His neighbor thought he was a nice guy. Some people were surprised, others were not.

This kind of thing used to be shocking, but it's a story we're used to now. It gets repeated at least once a month. It's just what happens now, and we can't do anything about it because we can't do anything about gun control. This is, the Right has decided, just the price we all have to pay so they can stockpile guns for funsies, and take sexy pictures of guns shoved in their pants. This is the blood that waters their special tree of liberty.

It's fucking exhausting. And stupid. We shouldn't have to live this way. No one should have to live this way. But we do. Why? Because some day some yahoos might want to overthrow the government, which is (of course) a completely legal thing to do, and their "right" to do that must be protected. So it's literally just never, ever going to stop.

Gary Martin, like most other mass shooters, also had a history of violence against women. In 1994, in Mississippi, he was convicted for stabbing one. He should not have been able to get a gun after that. I would like to know how and why he was able to get that pistol with the laser scope that he killed five people with yesterday afternoon. Maybe someone gave it to him. Maybe he bought it somehow. Maybe someone forgot to do a background check. Maybe he bought it from someone who didn't have to do a background check.

I am so goddamned tired of writing this article. I am out of things to say.


Martin apparently bought the gun after successfully applying for an Illinois state Firearms ID. That license was revoked after he applied for a concealed carry license and was rejected due to his prior felony conviction in Mississippi, but no one bothered to see if he still had a gun.

Via USA Today:

"During the fingerprinting and background process it was discovered that he had a felony conviction for aggravated assault out of Mississippi," [Police Chief Kristen] Ziman said. "It should be noted that this conviction would not have shown up on a criminal background check conducted for an FOID card."

That seems like it might be a problem, no?

It has also since been revealed that Martin had a domestic battery arrest in 2008 in Aurora.


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