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Invisible Space Monsters Made of Arsenic Will Kill Us, NASA Announces

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NASA finally madetheir big announcement about alien life this afternoon: They were looking around some mud somewhere and found a microorganism that is made of arsenic instead of the usual stuff of which every other living thing on Earth is made. This means life can perhaps exist in many other ways we can't conceive, so there are probably a bunch of invisible arsenic dinosaur-like things walking on the Moon, and we didn't even know it. It may turn out there are intelligent beings with structures of PURE GOLD on other planets, when we were stupidly looking for worthless carbon-based humanoids all along. THERE IS A NEW FRONTIER: WE MUST VENTURE OUT AND KILL AND MAKE NECKLACES OUT OF THESE KIND GOLD-BEINGS.


Carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, phosphorus and sulfur are the six basic building blocks of all known forms of life on Earth. Phosphorus is part of the chemical backbone of DNA and RNA, the structures that carry genetic instructions for life, and is considered an essential element for all living cells.

But not anymore! Perhaps we can hoard this arsenic from these weird alien beings that need it and sell it to them at a high markup? Economy saved! [NASA]

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Roger Stone, you got some 'splainin' to do, Mister! Remember all those times Stone swore on his Nixon tattoo that he never had any contact with Russians, wasn't a campaign surrogate, and wasn't tipped off to stolen DNC emails in advance? Like that time he told the Washington Post:

"I've never been to Russia. I didn't talk to anybody who was identifiably Russian during the two-year run-up to this campaign," he said. "I very definitely can't think of anybody who might have been a Russian without my knowledge. It's a canard."

Stone told the House Intelligence Committee the same thing last September, but, LOL FUNNY STORY! Seems that Stone just plum forgot about that time in May, 2016 when Trump communications advisor Michael Caputo asked him to meet with Henry Greenberg, "a man with a Make America Great Again hat and a viscous Russian accent." The Washington Post reports, Greenberg was offering sexxxxy Russian dirts on Hillary Clinton, which Stone and Caputo were only too happy to grab by the pussy. But they just couldn't get there!

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Congressman Beto O'Rourke, who hopes to replace Ted Cruz in the US Senate this fall, is one of several Texas and El Paso leaders participating in a march to the just-opened tent city at the US/Mexico border in Tornillo, Texas, where children have already been imprisoned "placed."

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