Cruzmentum Popping Out All Over, Just Like That Thing That Popped Out Of His Nose
Has he bitten off more than he can chew?
Welcome to your Saturday primaries and caucuses, politinerds! Big thumpin' news from the state of Kansas, where Ted Cruz won the Republican caucuses, and as we get ready to post this here bloggy thing, he's also leading in Maine, although MSNBC says it's still "too close to call." Kentucky, where Rand Paul convinced the Republican party to set up a caucus so he could run for president and Senate in the same year, is similarly too early to call, but we can guarantee that Rand Paul is not winning. The biggest pile of delegates for the day will come from Louisiana, where the polls close at 8:00 local (Central time,) about half an hour from this here blog post. While you wait, why not review Evan's Saturday CaucoPrimary Preview from this morning, so you know what's what?
Cruz, enjoying a rare taste victory instead of bitter defeat or boogers, seemed pretty pleased with himself, arranging his weird face into what, for him, passes as a smile as he announced his Kansas victory to a campaign event in Idaho:
God bless Kansas...And the scream you hear--the howl you hear from Washington, D.C.--is utter terror for what we the people are doing together. What we’re seeing is conservatives coming together.
Gosh, that Washington DC place sounds terrible! Why on earth would Cruz want to even go there?
While campaigning in Kansas, Donald Trump told a Wichita crowd, "If I lose, I'm going to be so angry at you." The good people of Kansas had better watch out, since Trump came in second to Cruz. It is believed that Trump may have already dispatched a crew of security thugs to the Sunflower State to burn it to the ground. Marco Rubio took third, with only about 17 percent of the vote, which as we understand it means he's about to give a speech saying he's definitely on the path to victory.
And how about those Democrats? As we get ready to post this thing, no results yet from either of the states -- Kansas and Nebraska -- with Democratic caucuses Saturday. Louisiana primary results later, and then Maine holds its weird Democratic caucus on Sunday.
Stay tuned, Wonketteers -- we'll update with results as they come in, or as we fade in and out of consciousness.
UPDATE 8:40 EST: Well there you go, your Kansas Democratic caucus results:
UPDATE 9:30 EST: Nebraska Caucus won by Bernie Sanders, and the Associated Press has called Louisiana for Hillary Clinton.
Ted Cruz takes Maine, despite Maine Gov. Paul LePage's endorsement of Donald Trump, who came in second. John Kasich got third, and Marco Rubio a very confidence-building fourth:
Not that he's delusional or anything, but Buzzfeed has this feel-good quote from Rubio:
MSNBC has Trump ahead in Kentucky but too close to call, Louisiana also too close to call.
UPDATE 9:42 EST: Fox's graphics department is smart as ever, looks like (Hat tip to alert Wonkette Operative "Joshua Norton"):
UPDATE 10:00 EST:NBC is calling Louisiana for Trump. What it's calling Louisiana would have been, in an earlier time, unprintable. Thursday's debate took care of that. Trump leading Kentucky, still no call.
UPDATE 11:05 EST: Trump gave his pretend presidential-style presser in front of a bunch of flags, with no Chris Christie standing behind him to steal all the memes. Takes credit for knocking Rand Paul out of the race before the Kentucky caucuses, also says Ted Cruz "should do well in Maine, since it's close to Canada." And he calls for Rubio to drop out, so he can beat Cruz up all by himself.
Trump also brags briefly about the yuge turnout for a campaign event in Orlando, but did not specify whether he was wearing a fiberglas head. Also insists that the press never gave him credit for helping Bernie Sanders do well in polls against Hillary 4 weeks ago. America does not need to be whole, it needs to be great. Will he take questions?
11:10 EST: Takes questions, but room is wired so badly we can't hear the questions. Blah blah Lyin' Ted, poor Ben Carson, Marco has to get out of the race. Barely heard question on gay marriage, Trump says he's answered it, so SIT DOWN. Trump says again that in a one-on-one race against Cruz, he'd destroy him. And we need a beer.
11:15 EST: Trump explains that there is no violence at his rallies, but in the good old days there would have been, and damned if he'll ever let The Blacks take his microphone again.
Then there's a penis size question. The short-fingered vulgarian explains his hands are not small, and his penis can hit a golf ball a million miles. Also, Trump will definitely talk all presidential unless somebody gives him shit.
11:20 EST: Finally something new, maybe -- didn't quite catch the question, but it sounded like Trump finally said he denounces, abjures, and forswears all hate groups. Effect on actual hate groups: equivalent of a wink.
Next, Trump fantasizes about all the neat war crimes he'll commit when he becomes President. Also, he'll change international law so he can torture like the badass he wants to be. You know who else changed the laws to make his agenda legal?
11:35 EST: So, your final tally: For the Democrats, Hillary takes Louisiana, Bernie wins Nebraska and Kansas. On the R side, Cruz wins Kansas and Maine, Trump wins Kentucky and Louisiana, and everyone's liver loses.
[WaPo / USA Today / International Business Times / Slate / Buzzfeed / NYT / NBC News]
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.