Is Devin Nunes F*cking One Last Cow To Protect Trump? MOOOOOOO-ybe!

Were you guys so silly as to think that now that the Democrats have retaken the House, Republicans would just stop being obstructionist assholes to protect President Russian Asset? Please. The GOP has never let a little thing like "the will of the people" slap the dick out of its mouth in the past, dunno why you'd think they'd start now, IDIOT.

Anyway, Rachel Maddow flagged this on Friday night, so in case you missed it, you should know that, while House GOP leadership has named people to pretty much every other committee, including the House Select Committee on Hairstyles and the House Whose Turn Is It To Order Lunch Committee, they have not named members for the Intelligence committee, and also a couple of others:

The Democrats have named their committee members, including Adam Schiff as the chairman and a few new members too. Meanwhile, the only thing we know about the Republican side of the House Intelligence Committee is that Devin Nunes will be ranking member, which is why we are asking if this is the latest example of Devin Nunes ALLEGEDLY fucking a big busty cow in order to slow down the work of the committee, and also Robert Mueller's investigation. (Disclaimer: As always, we should explain that we have no evidence that Devin Nunes, Donald Trump's little fluffer in the House, has ever tried to have P-in-V sex with an actual dairy cow from one of his family's farms. But we also do not have any evidence that he hasn't. And for journalistic integrity, we should point out that under no circumstances do we believe Devin Nunes has ever caused a lady cow to have multiple moo-gasms, because we have no reason to suspect he is a considerate lover.)

What were we talking about? Oh yeah, committee assignments.

Here's why this is important.

On Friday, after the indictment of Roger Stone, Adam Schiff tweeted out a statement saying his "first order of business" as chairman would be to get Robert Mueller an official copy of all the transcripts from every person who's come before the committee -- both the Trump people who lied to their faces like Erik Prince and (we're pretty sure) Donald Trump Jr., and also the Trump people who might have faced a different direction while they were lying.

And he can't do that until the committee is fully seated. Even the irrelevant GOP idiot obstructionists.

Maddow noted that one reason we had an inkling that Roger Stone would be indicted was that Robert Mueller had requested the official transcript for his testimony to the House Intelligence Committee, because in order to indict for lying to Congress, Mueller has to have the official transcript, and not just whatever dick-doodles Devin Nunes drew while he was ignoring Roger Stone's lies. Remember also that part of what Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to was lying to the House Intel Committee about the Trump Tower Moscow Deal.

Maddow also noted that according to a source they've talked to, Mueller has indeed been looking at some other transcripts, both from House and Senate committees. But there are a WHOLE LOTTA official transcripts in the House Intel vault that Mueller really needs to see. Now, we imagine that if we walked a mile in Devin Nunes's shoes, the idea of Mueller getting all those documents is scary as FUCK, because we're pretty sure all the Trump people figured they could lie with abandon in front of that committee and nobody would ever care, because it's not like Fucking Devin would ever do something about it. (We also imagine that if we walked a mile in Devin Nunes's shoes, we would find ourselves strolling down the promenade with a cow to go necking at some kinda Lover's Lookout, but again, we DON'T KNOW IF DEVIN NUNES GOES ON DATES WITH COWS AND PLAYS TONSIL HOCKEY WITH THEM IN THE BACKSEAT.)

So what's the hold up? Is this what it looks like?

"That will be announced when it is ready," said Matt Sparks, a spokesperson for House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, who did not address the reasons for the delay. A representative for Nunes—who does not pick the membership—did not respond to The Daily Beast's inquiries.

Yeah buddy, sure.

This afternoon, Democratic Rep. Raja Krishnamoorthi of Illinois, a member of the Intel committee, appeared on MSNBC and, while he did not directly accuse the Republicans of being obstructionists, he said Schiff may need to "take action" pretty soon to force the GOP to get with the fucking program. We are not A Expert on House Rules, so we don't know what exactly Schiff's next step would be, but because we're too lazy to read up on it, we're just going to believe in our hearts that it involves hiding all Devin Nunes's "Now That's What I Call Mooooooo-sic" CDs, which we imagine would really fuck up his game with cows, assuming having game with cows is a very important part of Devin Nunes's life, not that we would know anything about that.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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