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"Hey Donald. Hey Donald. They're right behind you. LOL!"


Do you remember the 2016 presidential campaign, when Hillary Clinton died every single day of an affliction she refused to share with the world, and was then daily resurrected to go on and win the popular vote by three million, on account of how she is The Devil? Ah, simpler times. But two curious items have struck us in the news lately, about how Donald Trump might be dying too. But in Trump's case, he may not be dying of dysentery or dia-beet-us or sniffles like a common Hillary, but rather DYING IN FEAR. Of staircases.

Consider first the Washington Post story where half the White House staff leaked a bunch of shit about how their boss, the president, is a whine-baby who has to be parented constantly, to the point they actually have to control his TV time, because he's likely to see something on Fox News or Maury or Judge Judy that sets him off, thus starting international crises and such. Totally normal president stuff. But in that piece was this curious tidbit about how Bleeding Nailbed Kellyanne Conway is being pushed aside in the White House, because her new office is up AN ENTIRE FLIGHT OF STAIRS from the Oval Office, and Trump doesn't Do Stairs.

Here's that quote again:

One suggested that Conway’s office on the second floor of the West Wing, as opposed to one closer to the Oval Office, was a sign of her diminished standing.

Though Conway took over the workspace previously occupied by Valerie Jarrett, who had been Obama’s closest adviser, the confidant dismissively predicted that Trump would rarely climb a flight of stairs.

Now, at first glance, you might think, "Meh, lazy fucks gonna lazy fuck," and besides the stairs aren't gold plated, so they aren't even usable.

But then, the Times of London did a piece about Trump's meeting with UK Prime Minister Theresa May, where this tidbit emerged:

Downing Street officials claimed the president’s phobia of stairs and slopes led him to grab the prime minister’s hand as they walked down a ramp at the White House.

PHOBIA OF STAIRS? Trump had to hold a girl's hand because of his PHOBIA OF STAIRS? But we thought his only phobia was the germs in Russian Hooker Pee. And his phobia of the Normal-Size-Handed Monster Who Lives In The Closet. And his fear of the truth about how many people voted for him. And his servile fear of Vladimir Putin. And his deep dread when it comes to suits that fit him. We are getting off track!

So is Trump a-feared of the stairs? Does he tremble at the way they creak in the night? Did a staircase bite him on his weenus one time? Did he have a great fall on some stairs one time, and that is why his brain appears to be broken?

A couple of possibilities:

  • Trump is 300-eleventy years old and feeble and is being kept artificially alive by the pus-filled sac of whiskey nightmares known as Steve Bannon, who is the real president. Grandpappy Pussgrab just needs some help on stairs, that's all, and otherwise he's happy scooting around the West Wing in his Hoveround, ALLEGEDLY AS IF HE EVEN NEEDS ONE.
  • Trump is actually afraid of stairs, because there might be a Muslim on them.
  • Trump is actually afraid of stairs, because there might be "Chicago inner city carnage" AKA a black person on them.
  • Donald Trump does not balance good on stairs, because he's shaped like a gi-normous bottom-heavy decorative Thanksgiving gourd.
  • Donald Trump doesn't have the physical strength to lift his gelatinous pork thighs one after the other on the stairs.
  • The stairs give Donald Trump the meat sweats. No, like more than usual.
  • One time a staircase grabbed Donald Trump by the pussy.
  • Trumpty Dumpty fell down some stairs, because Trumpty Dumpty was hallucinating about being chased by some bears, and he lay at the bottom of the stairs broken and wounded for DAYS AND DAYS because Melania gets her kicks by hiding his Life Alert Bracelet, ALLEGEDLY AS IF HE EVEN NEEDS A LIFE ALERT BRACELET.

OK, that's some ideas why Trump is scared of staircases to get us started. As usual, don't share your own ideas in the comments section, because Wonkette Does Not Allow Comments.

[Times Of London]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Image: Marriott Hotels

Great GOP wordsmith Frank Luntz, the guy who gave us the "death tax" and who urged the George W. Bush administration to talk about "climate change" since it was less politically motivating than "global warming," did some more of his characteristic word magic today! While staying at the Hotel Imperial in Vienna, Austria, Luntz offered this cautionary tale about the evils of socialism, as illustrated by the shoddy conditions in a 5-star luxury hotel owned by Dubai's "Al Habtoor" conglomerate and operated by Marriott:

Talk about your grim hellholes! Apparently, there's only one elevator in the entire building, and it's been broken for three days, proving that European-style socialism is a failure that should never be imported to the USA, where -- damn it! -- all buildings work!

As some smartass pointed out, now Luntz may have to take the STAIRS, like a common Bolshevik!

We're still trying to get our heads around how a delay in getting an elevator fixed in a luxury hotel owned by the United Arab Emirati proprietors of Dubai's

  • Habtoor Grand Resort
  • Waldorf Astoria Dubai Palm Jumeirah
  • Habtoor Palace, LXR Hotels & Resorts
  • V Hotel, Curio Collection by Hilton
  • Hilton Dubai Al Habtoor City
  • Metropolitan Hotel Dubai
  • Al Habtoor Polo Resort

as well as

  • Imperial Hotel, a Luxury Collection Hotel, Vienna (Austria)
  • Hilton London Wembley (United Kingdom)
  • Hilton Beirut Habtoor Grand (Lebanon)
  • Hilton Beirut Metropolitan Palace (Lebanon)
  • President Abraham Lincoln Springfield – a DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel (United States)
  • InterContinental Budapest (Hungary)
  • The Ritz-Carlton, Budapest (Hungary)

is an example of the horrors of socialism, but then, we don't earn the big bucks like Luntz does. Austria is among the 14 richest countries in the world, so we're fairly certain it's not a commie hellhole. Then again, there is a very strong social safety net, so maybe people in subsidized housing stole all the elevator parts. Or perhaps the elevator would have been fixed sooner if only Austria didn't have such strong unions. It's a mystery.

Or maybe it's that NATIONAL socialism that's the problem, seeing as it has socialism RIGHT IN THE NAME!

Adolf Hitler, once a day labourer outside the Hotel Imperial Vienna, returned as the Führer and "delivered a speech to a rapturous crowd from [the hotel] suite's balcony, on 14 March 1938", according to www.famoushotels.org.

We suppose it's worth noting that the Imperial is decidedly not owned or operated by the Austrian government, where a far-Right coalition has recently imploded -- although maybe Luntz is confused about that, since official state guests are traditionally housed there. In any case, the elevator's busted, it's in Europe, Europe is socialist, and Frank Luntz is homesick for America, where no elevator ever goes unrepaired for an entire weekend. It simply has never happened because of our efficient free market!

Still, Luntz's tweet inspired some valuable reflections on how economic theory shapes the reality of everyday life. This is the kind of Austrian economics we can support.



In conclusion, capitalism always allocates resources efficiently and fairly, although that still doesn't explain why Frank Luntz has a job. And now it would be your DOKTOR ZOOM'S BIRTHDAY PARTY OPEN THREAD, if only the socialists would fix the elevator, the end.

Yr Wonkette is entirely supported by donations from you, the reader. Please send us money so socialists won't make us take the stairs.

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