We know a few things about Donald Trump for 100% certain.

One is that his brain is broken. There are a million examples, but here's one, from this afternoon:


A judge is not "looking into that situation," you fucking moron!

OK let us not get distracted, as that is not the point of this post.

Another thing we know about Donald Trump is that he sniffs A LOT. During all the debates, he sniffed. During lots of his Hitler rally speeches, he sniffs. When he's on foreign soil, he sniffs. When he's hunkered athwart his golden toilet Makin' Twitters, we assume he sniffs.

Here is a video of Donald Trump sniffing:

All of Trump's Sniffles

What's all that sniffing about, President DorkSniffles, HUH?

Well, we may have an answer!

There is a comedian, let's call him Noel Casler, because that is his name. According to the stand-up routine we're about to make you watch, Casler worked on "The Celebrity Apprentice" finales for six years, and during that time he saw stuff. And one of the things he says he saw is that Trump snorts Adderall like it's the last thing to snort on earth. (Skip to about 3:25 in the video.)

Noel Casler 12 1 18 Gotham Vet Show

He crushes up his Adderall and he sniffs it because he can't read, so he gets really nervous and he has to read cue cards. [...] That's why he's sniffing when you see him in debates, when you see him reading, that's why he's tweeting, you know, he's out of his mind. It makes sense if you think about it.

WHOA IF TRUE, and if it's true, doesn't it make you happy that orange assclown has the nuclear codes? Also, we knew Trump couldn't read, at least not very well.

So is this true? Does Trump snort Adderall so much? Does he snort it by the pussy and take it furniture shopping?

Some very smart people on the internet are throwing shade on this possibility:

We regret to inform you that some very smart people on the internet are

We are obviously not saying we know for certain that Trump is a big Adderall sniffer. How could we possibly? We don't go to Trump's job and slap the Big Macs out of his mouth, so we have no idea what kind of white cloud would fly out of his nostrils if a person did that, or if there would even be a white cloud.

But we do know that an alcohol teetotaler like Trump is exactly the kind of person who might develop an "innocent" addiction to snorting prescription pills, because they are legal and you get them from the doctor, and besides, it's not like he DRINKS or anything. It's just to help him with his nerves, you guys! SNIFF!

And if very smart people are mostly skeptical of the idea that Trump is snorting Adderall, as opposed to just popping pills, may we direct you to Exhibit A, which is that the man spent the 1970s at Studio 54 with Roger Stone and Roy Cohn, and also to Exhibit B, which again is HIS CONSTANT FUCKING SNIFFING?

Like we said, we can't know for sure if that funny comedian guy up there is telling the truth or not. But if the truth is that snorting Adderall is as commonplace for Donald Trump as staring inappropriately at Ivanka is for Donald Trump, then we are not shocked.

Casler says that of course he was forced to sign a nondisclosure agreement about whatever he saw and witnessed, but that once Trump became president, he cordially invited that NDA to go fuck itself. He also dished about working on Trump pageants:

"He would line up the girls on the side of the stage, and he would inspect them literally, he would stick his little freaking doll fingers in their mouth and look at their teeth. I'm not kidding, this is true, he would line them up like they were pieces of meat."

And then he'd allegedly tell them that if they want to win the pageant, come on up to his suite. MMHMM. It's probably because he "cherishes" women so much.

Should we mention he was talking about Miss TEEN USA, and not the grown-up one? We should mention that.

After that, Casler made a really great joke where Ivanka was in the punchline, kinda related to the joke we made three paragraphs up, but you'll have to watch it to hear it for yourself.

So, is Trump a DrugSnorts McNoseFace?

Dunno. Have an OPEN THREAD!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Gentle flowers of love, our darlings, the ones who make us whole, who let us hire writers at a living wage, who keep us going through the Trumpenstorm, who complete us: Move on down to the comments for open thread, your work today is done! The rest of you, the ones who have been meaning to get your credit card or your paypal password for lo these SEVEN or FOURTEEN YEARS NOW, YOU:

Hi! I'm Rebecca. Have we met yet? We HAVE? Because you've been coming twice a week or four times a day for us to guide you through our fascist horror, together? Sweet! Barring you really ain't got none, we would like your money.

But you always need money, you are hissing through your beardo crumbs. Well, yes! That is how food and rent/mortgages and paychecks and servers work. As the lucky-ducky federal workers have discovered, you have to pay for them on an ongoing basis. And you know who likes food and mortgages and paychecks and servers? It is your Wonkette!

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Do we really have to write two posts in a row that feature Oleg Deripaska, whose face is really weird looking and stupid and we hate looking at it? Yes. Apparently we do.

OK, so we were just talking about how Deripaska is getting a sweet free handjob from Steven Mnuchin's Treasury Department with the deal to lift sanctions off his companies. We also know that Deripaska is Paul Manafort's former boss, to whom Manafort was in serious debt, and to whom Manafort weirdly offered secret briefings on the Trump camapign, as a way to "get whole." (We still don't know what exactly that means, or how involved Deripaska was in the Russian conspiracy to ratfuck the election and install Trump in office, but we bet Robert Mueller does.)

But another wang of the Deripaska story we've learned over the past couple of years involves a woman named Anastasia Vashukevich, AKA Nastya Rybka, an escort who traveled with Deripaska on his yacht, and who once claimed to have recordings of Deripaska on his yacht discussing the plan to skullfuck America's democratic presidential election, presumably because Russians never really have understood how democracy is supposed to work, and also because they wanted to steal the American presidency to use it for their own benefit.

Don't know if you've been following the latest news -- that Rybka was suddenly released from the Thai prison where she had been bizarrely detained, that she was assured she would be able to safely go home to Belarus, and that she was immediately arrested while changing planes in Russia -- but she's free now. Or, you know, "free."

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