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People have so many questions about Impeachment, How Does It Work?

Like so:

Remember, Donald. There are no stupid questions, just stupid presidents.

Yes, the impeachment hearings begin today in the House Judiciary Committee, on a day when the president is blubbering in his Big Macs because all the world leaders in the world got caught on tape making fun of his dumb sad ass at NATO. This hearing should make his day even rougher. Oh well, sometimes calendars just work that way.

Today will be academic, though, and it seeks to answer all your burning questions about impeachment. This comes a day after the release of the fascinating and news-breaking impeachment report from the House Intelligence Committee, in which we learned among other things that Intel Committee ranking Republican Devin Nunes appears to be further up to his ass in Trump's impeachment crimes than we ever knew.

There will be four witnesses -- three law experts chosen by the Democrats because they are smart, and one chosen by the Republicans because he is A Idiot. We expert to learn a lot, but not from the Republican witness.

The show today will most likely come from Republicans trying to destroy democracy and obstruct the proceedings. If you thought the Intel Republicans were cow-humping morons, just wait until Doug Collins, Matt Gaetz, Louie Gohmert and others get their time to shine. If it happens to be your child's birthday today, just turn on C-SPAN, because FREE CLOWNS.

Let's liveblog this shit.


LIVE: House Judiciary Committee Impeachment Inquiry Hearing www.youtube.com

10:00: So the Republican-called witness, Jonathan Turley, is going to be one of those Dershowitz types (we don't mean he's not gonna wear panties!) who is reportedly gonna be like "I voted for Obama and Hillary, but I still think impeaching Trump is a sin."

Like we said, idiot.

10:08: Let's learn things! The hearing begins with a Republican demanding a whole Republican idiot day of hearings. That was a mild interruption. They will get so much stupider.

10:10: Jerry Nadler's opening statement goes over the story we know, of Trump's crime scheme to bribe Ukraine to help him steal the 2020 election. You should really open a tab and start looking at the House impeachment report. It's surprisingly readable and easy to digest, in all the ways the Mueller Report was not.

10:13: In noting Trump's unprecedented obstruction, Nadler reminds everyone that Bill Clinton turned over HIS BLOOD. (You know, because that impeachment was about jizz. We are continually surprised that the Trump impeachment is not even a little bit about jizz.)

Nadler also notes that Trump has solicited foreign interference now in two elections, and has gotten caught in two elections, because he is a very stupid criminal.

10:18: Nadler: "It does not matter that Trump got caught" and eventually released the Ukraine aid. This is to be expected, because, again, SO STUPID.

Remember how Trump hates it when people factually state that he's too stupid to complete crimes?

Also Doug Collins is about to do his opening statement, so prepare to feel like you're being lobotomized by a redneck cartoon character.

10:22: Doug Collins says if there were any REAL facts here, the House Intelligence Committee would have recommended articles of impeachment themselves, instead of pawning it off on the committee that ... has responsibility for drafting articles of impeachment.

Look at this idiot.

Remember there's a whole side drama playing out with Doug Collins, because Trump and his paste-eating minions are trying to bully the Georgia governor into appointing Collins to the soon-to-be-open Senate seat in Georgia. The Georgia governor does not want to do that, because he wants a different GOP idiot.

So the pressure is on Collins to be a STAR today.

10:26: Collins says these law professors aren't gonna say anything Donald Trump "can't read" for himself, OBJECTION YOUR HONOR, ASSUMES DEFENDANT CAN READ.

10:29: Collins also says Democrats are only impeaching Trump for doing what he said he was going to do. It's a fair point, because Trump did signal on the campaign trail A LOT that he planned to commit crimes and destroy the republic.

10:30: Collins ends with a bullshit motion and request for a recorded vote, demanding Adam Schiff come testify, you know, because how they think he is the whistleblower and his mom is the whistleblower and his goldfish is the whistleblower and his butt is the whistleblower and etc. so on and so forth.

10:36: After several stupid parliamentary inquiries from Republicans, Nadler introduces the witnesses, the three smart ones and the Jonathan Turley one.

10:39: And now the first witness, Noah Feldman, begins his opening statement, and Republicans decide to interrupt him to put forth more bullshit motions. Gonna be a full day of this!

Feldman manages to explain that he is going to explain Constitution, why the Framers did put IMPEACH in the Constitution, what "high crimes and misdemeanors" actually means, and that Donald Trump has done this, by "corruptly abusing the office of the president," by "corruptly soliciting" Volodymyr Zelenskyy of Ukraine to do personal political reacharounds to help him win the 2020 election.

10:44: Feldman tells an old-timey history story about when the framers put impeachment in the Constitution, about how they specifically did it to prevent crimes like the ones Trump committed, crimes that corrupt the Republic, corrupt the electoral process, or subvert the national security of the United States. Check, check, and check!

Also notes that the framers specifically listed "bribery" as a good reason for impeachment.

He's now laying out exactly how Trump did all this.

10:48: Feldman says by itself, soliciting foreign interference is impeachable. Notes that Trump did that AND ALSO bribed and quid pro quo-ed Zelenskyy. These are also impeachable offenses.

Rachel Maddow had a thing last night on how the House report is specifically written in such a way as to piece apart and separate Trump's various offenses, to make it easy to write multiple articles of impeachment. We'd link the article she read on TV, but we can't find it. Womp womp.

10:52: After another stupid distraction move from Republicans, the next witness, Pamela Karlan, gives her opening statement. She begins by telling Doug Collins he is an insulting fucking idiot, because he implied that these witnesses didn't even read the facts of this case. She read EVERY TESTIMONY, you shitmouthed redneck, and wow, this lady is fire!

10:55: This is Doug Collins after a witness YELLED AT HIM AND SPANKED HIM IN THE FACE.

10:56: Karlan: Foreign interference is one of the most "baneful foes" of a Republican government, the framers would be fuckiiiiiing horrified by Donald Trump, this is literally why they wrote the Constitution how they wrote it. Like, they weren't imagining Donald Trump specifically, because nobody could ever imagine a face that ugly and stupid-looking, but they were thinking of something like Donald Trump.

10:59: Karlan: 2016's Russian attack was bad. Trump's 2020 attempted election attacks are worse.

11:00: Karlan: What Trump has done, Trump's "Russia if you're listening," Trump's extortion of Ukraine, is not what happens in any "mature democracy."

Now we go to Professor Michael Gerhardt!

11:01: Gerhardt makes it easy and lists out Trump's crimes, as they might appear in articles of impeachment:

1. Bribery

2. Abuse of power

3. Obstruction of justice

4. Obstruction of Congress.

He is quieter and less exciting to watch than Pamela Karlan, we are ready for her to yell at a Republican again.

11:05: Gerhardt is the second witness that we've heard to say the word "treason."

11:09: Gerhardt cites Lindsey Graham, back when Lindsey Graham was trying to impeach Bill Clinton, as a good example of somebody who explained very well why obstruction of Congress is so impeachable. Does not cite present-day Lindsey Graham, on account of nobody can find Lindsey Graham because he's so far up Donald Trump's butt and abandoned his principles the second he entered that space.

11:10: One very important thing Gerhardt brings up, and several others have brought up in the past few days, is that Trump has signaled in every way that he's still committing this crime. He's asked Russia and China to intervene to help him steal the election. He thinks this is OK, because cheating is the only way he's ever won in his entire life.

Anyway, Jonathan Turley takes over to say that he voted for Hillary Clinton but we guess he was dropped on his head as a child sometime after that and therefore believes impeachment is bad.

11:13: Fucking idiot says there is a "paucity of evidence," which is true if he thinks the English definition of "paucity" is LOOK AT ALL THESE SMOKING GUNS, JESUS CHRIST.

Maybe he should have spent more time in dictionary school.

11:16: This guy refuses to see the evidence in front of him, you may ignore him for the rest of your life.

11:17: Jonathan Turley says even his dog is mad right now in the Trump era, and his dog is a golden-doodle and they don't get mad FACTCHECK JANE YOU IGNORANT SLUT dogs are animals and they have animal instincts and they get mad sometimes. Even golden-doodles.

Jonathan Turley: Stupid idiot about dogs, stupid idiot about impeachment.

Oh shit, we forgot, we were supposed to be ignoring him for the rest of our life.

11:19: Susan Hennessey tweeted out some words Jonathan Turley said about that time Bill Clinton got impeached for High Cums And Jizzdemeanors:

11:23: Republicans waste more time with a motion to subpoena THE WHISsleBLWER!

Time having been wasted, we move to 45 minutes each of majority and minority questioning. Five minute rule, etc.

11:28: Feldman again explaining why framers anticipated impeachment instead of just waiting for re-election, specifically to stop a president like Trump from using his office to abuse his power to gain something like, say, re-election.

Norm Eisen takes over for the Democrats. He is a very good lawyer!

11:36: Eisen's questioning is good but not that livebloggy right now. He does decide to ask Jonathan Turley a question, in order to use Turley's words against him. "Did you write that thing in the Wall Street Journal"?" "Yes, but ..." FUCK YOU, DID YOU WRITE IT? "Yes."

11:38: EISEN: Why didn't the framers write out all the high crimes and misdemeanors?

KARLAN: Because they couldn't have imagined Nixon's crimes and Trump's crimes and Trump's other crimes and also these Trump crimes. Some of them involve computers, and the framers didn't even know how to computer!

11:41: Interesting testimony from Karlan about how insanely concerned framers were with foreign influence. It's not just this impeachment hullabaloo and Trump soliciting foreign interference in his re-election. They put the Emoluments clause in there to keep presidents from being influenced by foreign gifts. They put the "president has to be a natural-born citizen" thing in there, because they were specifically concerned about the president being susceptible to foreign influence.

(Shoulda put a "President Should Not Be Russian Asset" clause in there, but we guess that falls under the high crimes and misdemeanors they couldn't have imagined.)

11:47:

LOL:

Back to hearing:

EISEN: The framers did list treason and bribery. Did Trump do bribery?

KARLAN: Yeah no duh.

EISEN: Tell me why.

KARLAN: OK I will tell you why.

Also here is a fun fact:

11:51: EISEN: Hey remember that time Gordon Sondland testified that there was a quid pro quo and "everybody was in the loop"? Is that bribery?

KARLAN: That is so very bribery!

11:52: PAM KARLAN SPENT HER ENTIRE THANKSGIVING READING THESE FUCKING TESTIMONY TRANSCRIPTS AND IT TOOK HER SO LONG SHE HAD TO EAT A TURKEY THAT WAS DELIVERED IN AN ENVELOPE BY A MAILMAN AND YOU ARE GOING TO ACT LIKE SHE HASN'T PREPARED FOR THIS HEARING, DOUG COLLINS, YOU DUMB YAP-ASS FUCKHEAD?

11:55: MICHAEL GERHARDT: "If this isn't impeachable, nothing is impeachable."

JONATHAN TURLEY (IMPLIED): "CLINTON BLOWJOBS IS IMPEACH! BUT ONLY THAT!"

11:57: EISEN: Again, does it matter that Trump was too stupid to pull of his crime?

FELDMAN: His inability to finish is a personal problem, not a constitutional one.

12:05: Feldman gets laughs from the room when he responds to Trump's idiot belief that Article II says he can do "whatever I want" by saying as somebody who gives a shit about the Constitution, it struck a certain kind of horror in him.

Eisen now questioning Gerhardt about all the one million times Trump obstructed the Mueller investigation, on top of how he has obstructed this investigation. Impeach!

12:08: Pam Karlan reads a quote about how foreign interference in election goes against every fiber of our democracy and says YOU KNOW WHO WROTE THAT? THAT WAS BRETT KAVANAUGH. THAT'S RIGHT, EVEN BOOFDRUNK MCGOO GETS IT.

12:09: And now the Democratic questioning is over. Before the Republicans get their turn, Nadler calls for a "humanitarian recess," which is his way of saying "EVERYBODY GO POOP." This makes Doug Collins laugh, because he knows about pooping.

12:11: Since we are on a short break, you should know there is a new Wonkette post about foreign leaders doing foreign interference to Donald Trump's feelings, by making fun of him at NATO.

Again, just a short break, so come right back!

12:28: Just about to gavel back in, let's go!

12:31: Doug Collins starts by wasting time bitching in his redneck accent about wanting a minority hearing and blah blah blah. Says Adam Schiff is "withholding" evidence, and that the ICIG's testimony is still a "secret" and blah blah blah.

Also asserts that the Republican questioning, which is "phase two," will be "problematic." Does not specify who it will be problematic for.

Anyway, it is time for Jonathan Turley to get all the questions, because he is a moron, and that's who Republicans like.

12:34: Collins bitches that he is cold and his chair is uncomfortable.

Jonathan Turley whines that "bribery" has a new definition and doesn't mean "bribery" anymore, QED YOU GUYS.

12:39: It gives Jonathan Turley no joy to disagree with his colleagues, not least because it exposes how he is bad at law whereas they are good at it.

12:41: Jonathan Turley doesn't see evidence of a crime here, not like when he saw Bill Clinton's jizz everywhere, that was EVIDENCE.

12:42: Jonathan Turley does not believe obstruction of justice happened here, because he doesn't like how fast impeachment is going, and if Jonathan Turley does not like how fast it is, that means it is not obstruction.

It is just law, did you even go to law school.

12:45: This guy is a walking, belching example of the fact that "book smart" does not always equate to "actual smart." Some people are just good at school. This guy has a lot of "good at school" credentials, and yet we, who have not been to law school, can tell he is a dipshit.

12:46: Doug Collins interrupted Jonathan Turley to tell him he was gdoing a good job, you guys.

12:47: Turley says CONGRESS is abusing power by ... going to court to get the Trump administration to comply with lawful subpoenas? We don't know.

Also Turley talked by himself for about 100 minutes, because the GOP's entire thing here is "Please help us, professor!"

12:52: Doug Collins asks a bullshit lie question about how the Democrats can't decide what crime Trump committed, going from "quid pro quo" to "bribery" to whatever, because of "poll-testing." Jonathan Turley, a fucking idiot, accepts the premise of Collins's question, because he is not smart enough to realize all these words, for these purposes are interchangeable synonyms. We use all of them to refer to Trump's crimes! Just like we use "moron" and "dipshit" and "fuckbrain" and "Foghorn Leghorn doing bath salts" to describe Doug Collins. They are all interchangeable!

12:55: It is finally time for the GOP lawyer, who can't be as stupid as Castor in the Intel Committee hearings, but this is the GOP, so we might be surprised.

Note how they haven't asked anybody but Turley questions, because they are scared of the people who know things.

This is a good suggestion:

12:57: Jonathan Turley thinks that because we haven't had many impeachments in our history, we shouldn't do one now, because #reasons.

Also civility. Remember how even his golden-doodle dog is mad? His golden-doodle dog is not being very civility.

1:00: GOP says something about how most lawyers supported Hillary Clinton, dunno, we missed it. Maybe he was trying to prove that education has a well known liberal bias.

1:01: Hey you guys, doesn't Jonathan Turley have a stupid smile? He is bad at smiling.


He should consider never smiling again.

Anyway, besides Turley's garbage reading of history and law and whiny-ass appeals to civility, the GOP's entire argument today is that impeachment is TOO FAST. This is stupid.

1:08: Oh good, now the GOP lawyer is going to argue that Trump's Ukraine conspiracy theories are legitimate points of inquiry, particularly as regards Trump wanting investigations into the Bidens, even though that have been entirely debunked forfuckingever.

1:12: Turley says there was a MASSIVE and GIANT and STICKY record in the Clinton impeachment, but there's just no proof here. Mmhmm.

Also seems to believe there HAS to be a quid pro quo (there was, it's been established), and we guess is just not aware of the law that says it's illegal for presidents to solicit foreign help to steal elections.

1:16: Well THAT was boring and stupid. Jerry Nadler notes that if Trump had agreed to participate, this is the point where they would get to call their own witnesses. Oh well they didn't.

Questioning begins!

NADLER: Noah Feldman, explain why Jonathan Turley is a moron about "bribery."

FELDMAN: *Explanation of why Turley is a moron.*

NADLER: Professor Gerhardt, explain why Jonathan Turley is a moron about "obstruction of justice."

GERHARDT: Yes, sir, I can do that!

1:19: NADLER: Pam Karlan, feel free to add some reasons Turley is an idiot.

KARLAN: *throws shoe at Jonathan Turley*

1:21: DOUG COLLINS is VERY MAD that one of the witnesses said the framers would have found Trump guilty YEW DON'T KNOW YEW DON'T KNOW! YEW DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FRAMERS THINK!

Giphy

1:28: ZOE LOFGREN: How do Trump's crimes compare to Nixon's crimes?

KARLAN: Oh, Trump's are worse. Nixon's shit was domestic. Trump's endangers national security.

GEPHARDT: What she said.

1:36: We are on break! Ari Melber is making fun of Jonathan Turley A LOT on MSNBC saying we've heard lots of cool ideas from Turley on constitutional amendments he might like. For instance, Turley would like for impeachment to actually require a specific crime. It does not. And Turley says impeachment shouldn't be this fast. That's not Constitution.

All of MSNBC is giggling.

1:47: Panelist on MSNBC, a law professor (we forget his name) makes good point about Turley, which is that he was not only wrong, but also BORING. Says law professors have this way sometimes of "navel-gazing" about shit that is totally boring to people who are not in law school or law professors. Considering how the average Republican is ... not that ... this is a bad day for Republicans.

2:16: Many are noting that Pam Karlan gave one of the clearest analogies ever for what Trump did, comparing it to if Trump had said "I would like you to do me a favor though" to the governor of Texas after a massive hurricane.

Here's the video and transcript, because you'll want to save and remember this one.

Imagine living in a part of Louisiana or Texas that's prone to devastating hurricanes and flooding. What would you think if you lived there and your governor asked for a meeting with the president to discuss getting disaster aid that Congress has provided for? What would you think if that president said, "I would like you to do us a favor? I'll meet with you, and send the disaster relief, once you brand my opponent a criminal."

Wouldn't you know in your gut that such a president has abused his office? That he'd betrayed the national interest, and that he was trying to corrupt the electoral process? I believe the evidentiary record shows wrongful acts on those scale here.

Replace "hurricane" with RUSSIA IS KILLING OUR PEOPLE RIGHT NOW, and you've got it.

2:38: We are almost back! Witnesses are sitting down and stuff. Finish whatever you are doing!

2:46: OK, back! Claire McCaskill just made fun of Jonathan Turley on TV and called him "lame," noting that his argument was basically "IF Trump did this, then that is bad!" But he just doesn't think it's been proven, because he's an idiot.

GOP idiot Jim Sensenbrenner's questioning begins with him filibustering for 100 minutes. Maybe he will ask a question. Maybe not. Either way, you may ignore.

2:47: Sensenbrenner says there should have been an impeachment when JOE BIDEN did the UKRAINE, which was ... oh yeah, he was actually just delivering the policy of the Obama administration and the entire rest of the western world. He wasn't trying to bribe Ukraine into helping him steal an election.

GUESS THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.

He still hasn't asked a question. That is how you know Republicans know this is going fucking bad for them.

2:49: SENSENBRENNER: Jonathan Turley, I am not scared of you, because you are dumb like me. Isn't Joe Biden worse than Trump?

TURLEY: I ... cannot actually go down that road with you?

SENSENBRENNER: Oh, fiddlenuts!

2:51: Sheila Jackson Lee, a real member of Congress, takes her turn. Holds up Mueller Report and the House impeachment report and asks Pam Karlan if that is a THIN record or a THICK record. (It is thick.)

Karlan says it's thick and also notes that it's helpful to look at Trump's crimes as part of a series of crime waves.

Karlan also gets a laugh, talking about the difference between presidents and kings, saying Trump can "name his son Barron, but he can't MAKE HIM a baron."

2:54: Karlan notes that foreign interference makes us less free, but we would note that the entire GOP is behind Trump's anti-American crimes because they don't believe in democracy or American freedom anymore because they can't win free and fair elections in the United States. Sure, they'd get a few seats in Congress in a non-gerrymandered situation, but they wouldn't ever have a majority again. They'd lose so many states if voter suppression went away. And so on.

Anyway, time for stupid Republican Steve Chabot, who represents Stupid-Town, Ohio. Just kidding, he reps Cincinnati, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND ELECT AN ACTUAL CONGRESSMAN, CINCINNATI.

2:58: Chabot is quoting words from Jerry Nadler two decades ago during the Clinton impeachment about how party-line impeachments are bad, etc., which would be more clever if the GOP hadn't fully transitioned into an authoritarian crime party in the last two decades.

2:59: By the way, Chabot doesn't have a question because he's scared of the smart witnesses and the GOP knows Jonathan Turley's testimony went over like pubic lice.

3:01: Rep. Steve Cohen (D-Memphis) is very pained by this process and takes no pleasure in it, which is why he brought this toy chicken to use as a prop, just kidding, he didn't do that this time.

3:03: Cohen asks if it's clear that Trump was acting for his own interest. Karlan says yes, and the clearest example of that is that Trump, according to HIS AMBASSADOR GORDON SONDLAND, did not actually give a shit about whether Ukraine did investigations into Biden, he cared that they announce them on CNN. It was all for his own domestic political errand, as Fiona Hill put it.

Cohen concludes by calling Jonathan Turley an idiot to his face.

GOHMERT TIME!

3:07: GOHMERT MAD HOW CAN YOU SAY THE FACTS ARE UNDISPUTED, I DISPUTE THE FACTS!

Gohmert is also mad because nobody will call "the critical witnesses," by which he means people who will spew Russian propaganda about fake Ukraine election interference.

Louie Gohmert does not have a question, by the way.

3:11: HANK JOHNSON: Jonathan Turley says we should slow down impeachment because TOO FAST. Trump is soliciting foreign interference right now from multiple nations, including Ukraine, Russia and China. Is Jonathan Turley dumber than dogshit or smarter than dogshit?

PAM KARLAN: Dumber.

3:14: Noah Feldman notes that when Trump said "I would like you to do us a favor though" to Volodymyr Zelenskyy, it might be one thing if he was saying that and the favor was in the United States's national interest. But it wasn't. It was a political favor FOR HIM.

And yes, it was a demand. "There's simply no way for the president of Ukraine to refuse," like many impeachment witnesses, including Lt. Col. Alex Vindman explained. The power disparity between the two is so vast.

JIM JORDAN TIME AIYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

3:18: Jim Jordan begins by yelling. He doesn't have a question. Then he yells more. He says Jonathan Turley was wrong about a thing. Jim Jordan is upset because Adam Schiff did closed door hearings. Jim Jordan is not wearing a fucking suit, as usual. Jim Jordan appears to buy his clothes at a feed store. Jim Jordan is still yelling. Jim Jordan cuts to the chase. Jim Jordan says the facts are not on the Democrats' side, which must be why he is yelling and not asking the witnesses for some facts. Jim Jordan yells some more. Jim Jordan pronounces Kyiv like "KEEV" now, like a common educated person. Next Jim Jordan will be talking about PAH-KEE-STAN, even though that is the gay Obama way of saying it. Jim Jordan is so excited. Jim Jordan is so excited. Jim Jordan is scared. Jim Jordan is mad Nancy Pelosi called Trump an "impostor." Jim Jordan is mad Democrats won't accept the will of "the American people," by which he means the small minority of white Americans who voted for Trump, and also the "Russian govermment" type of American.

Jim Jordan is finished now.

3:24: Hahaha, Pam Karlan is awesome. She just said MAYBE when Trump did "Russia if you're listening," he was just a lowly stupid reality TV star who didn't know better. When he did UKRAINE IF YOU'RE LISTENING, he had been president for three fuckin' years, my god.

3:28: GOP Rep. Ken Buck's questioning is basically "HERE ARE SOME TIMES LOTS OF OTHER PRESIDENTS ABUSED THEIR POWER. DON'T YOU THINK IF THEY GOT AWAY WITH IT TRUMP SHOULD TOO?"

Of course, he's citing literally fake things like Obama lying about BENGHAZZIIIIII!11!1!1!!!!!

But he's also listing some actual shitty things other presidents did.

Jonathan Turley agrees that according to the Democrats' reasoning, maybe some of these things were impeachable.

Point ... not Republicans?

3:30: JONATHAN TURLEY: Do we really want to impeach presidents for BETRAYING AMERICA? Slippery slope!

3:34: Referring back to Ken Buck's weird-ass questioning, where he referred to former presidents doing WIRE TAPPS of opponents, Pam Karlan says actually yeah ordering WIRE TAPPS is impeachable, according to THE LAW THAT WAS PASSED IN 1968, JESUS CHRIST.

3:36: John Ratcliffe commends Jonathan Turley for being intellectually honest enough to acknowledge that Donald Trump's balls taste like Kit-Kats and his robes are flowing and his heart is pure, we dunno, something like that.

3:39: OK, you can only go on a date with one. John Ratcliffe or Jonathan Turley.


SELECT YOUR AFTERNOON DELIGHT.

3:41: Ratcliffe's questioning ends with Turley agreeing that Trump has committed no crimes, because of how Turley is too stupid to see the evidence screaming in his face.

3:43: Cedric Richmond helps Turley out by showing him video of all the evidence, even the witness testimony that Republicans think bolsters their case. Turley kind of had a look on his face the whole time but we didn't screengrab it, sorry.

3:45: RICHMOND: Hey smart witnesses, do we have enough evidence here?

SMART WITNESSES: Good golly fuck, yes.

3:47: MARTHA ROBY GOP IDIOT FROM ALABAMA: Hillary, were you alone THE WHOLE NIGHT of Benghazi? OH SHIT WHERE AM I?

3:54: Hahahahaha, PAM KARLAN AGAIN. Notes that when Trump said, "Do US a favor though" to Zelenskyy, when what he meant was do ME a favor, he really shouldna said that, because "ONLY KINGS USE THE ROYAL 'WE.'"

Anyway, that came from Hakeem Jeffries's questioning.

MATT GAETZ TIME! MAYBE HE WILL ORDER PIZZA AND BRING HIS CELL PHONE INTO A SCIF.

GAETZ: Professor Gerhardt, YOU GAVE MONEY TO BARACK OBAMA!

GERHARDT: My family did.

GAETZ: Noah Feldman, YOU WROTE ARTICLES MEAN TO TRUMP!

FELDMAN: Impeachment is good whenever presidents abuse their power. Trump happens to do that a lot.

GAETZ: Pam Karlan, YOU GAVE MONEY TO ELIZABETH WARREN AND OBAMA AND MORE TO HILLARY! WHY MORE TO HILLARY!

KARLAN: I've been giving money to help poor people and stuff.

GAETZ: You said a mean thing on a podcast about conservatives that I am going to take out of context!

KARLAN: And I will put it back into context for you, dipshit.

GAETZ: I am a dumb wide-faced asshole who is making a clip for "Hannity" right now! You made a joke that had "Barron Trump" in it!

Gaetz ends by yelling that if doing WIRE TAPPS to a candidate is bad, he's really excited for the IG report on Obama doing WIRE TAPPS to Trump, because we guess he hasn't heard the news.

OK fine, you may also select the afternoon delight of Matt Gaetz if you'd like. We can tell you have a crush.

4:04: By the way, all the FAMOUSLY stupid Republicans have now had their turn. All remaining Republicans are stupid, but not famous. Some good Dems coming, though.

4:07: Um, some Republican, Mike Johnson of Louisiana, making a speech. He is also mad that Democrats keep saying the facts are undisputed, just because they're undisputed, UNFAIR.

4:12: ERIC SWALWELL: I see you, Jonathan Turley. I am a former prosecutor. I know what it looks like when defense attorneys ain't got shit and still have to try to represent their clients.

TURLEY: AIYYEEEEEEEEEEEEYEYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE!

SWALWELL: Here's a time you testified some bullshit in a different impeachment hearing. Spoiler, nobody listened to you, because of how U R DUM.

4:33: And it is back! We forgot to say there was a break.

Dumbfuck Republican congressman Andy Biggs wants to point out that Trump DID say he wanted Zelenskyy to do AMERICA a favor -- "I would like you to do US a favor, though, because our COUNTRY has been through a lot" -- by investigating the Bidens. Because Republican garbage humans think that is the national interest, to lick Trump's balls and help him cheat to win an election the people of America would never give him in a free and fair vote.

That's what the GOP is now.

4:37: Andy Biggs doesn't have a question, by the way.

4:42: Stupid fuck GOP Rep. Tom McClintock thinks it's OK to ask the witnesses who voted for Trump. Pam Karlan was like THE FUCK YOU SAY! Time was suspended, and witnesses were assured they did not have to answer that.

Fucking Tom McClintock.

By the way, this hearing's gonna go another couple hours -- a basic thing to remember is that the House Judiciary Committee is HUGE therefore its hearings take HUGE MINUTES AND HOURS -- but we're gonna wrap up this liveblog soon and assume that if something important happens, we will find out about it on Twitter or on Rachel Maddow.

So before we all leave, please remember that Wonkette is ONLY funded by you, the lovable and lovely readers, and we here at Wonkette have salaries and benefits and all of that. So if you enjoy Wonkette liveblogs, click below and donate.

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And yeah, we are wrapping up. There will be an end of day post going up in ... 14 minutes! FYI! Or stay here and watch the hearing! We don't care!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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