​Is Mike Pompeo A Heat-Seeking Missile For Henry Kissinger's Ass? The News Says Maybe!

History lesson time! Once upon a time Henry Kissinger was a very bad man who was the secretary of State and also the national security advisor and he served a criminal president named Richard Nixon in both of those roles and then Richard Nixon got Watergated to death but he got better but then he died at a later date. Oh boy, Wonkette is the historian Kevin Kruse DREAMS of being!

Rumor has it that Mike Pompeo might be the next national security advisor. (CALLED IT.) Wait, but isn't he secretary of State? Yes, but pffffft, who cares, Trump loves Pompeo because Pompeo eats Trump's butt for breakfast. Wait, but isn't he secretary of Defense? Haha, no, silly, that is POP QUIZ BET YOU CAN'T REMEMBER THAT GUY'S NAME. Wait, but isn't he CIA director? Haha no, silly, just kidding kind of.

According to a senior Trump administration official CNN talked to, Donald Trump might be interested in "double-tapping" Mike Pompeo, which is a very gross way to put that, dammit, CNN! We were thinking about eating lunch, but we are not thinking about that anymore.

Just one day after President Donald Trump dismissed national security adviser John Bolton, administration officials are discussing the possibility of replacing Bolton with his chief rival, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. Under this scenario, the country's top diplomat would absorb the national security adviser role and do both jobs, according to a senior administration official and a source familiar with the possibilities.

As CNN notes, when Nixon did it to Kissinger, he did it the reverse way. Kissinger was NSA, then Nixon DOUBLE-TAPPED him and sent him to State also too. But how serious is this possibility? Here is what Donald Trump had to say about it:

"I have five people that want it very much... Five people that I consider very highly qualified, good people."

Bullshit. Nobody fucking wants to work in the Trump administration, but Trump always says there are like a million people vying for every job. He probably thinks they're all calling him "sir" too.

CNN reports that, until a decision is made, Pompeo is going to kind of de facto be Trump's NSA -- as opposed to the actual acting NSA -- which we're pretty sure he was already, so no change there. However, another "administration official" says if Trump does "double-tapping" to Mike Pompeo, it might go poorly, because it could make Pompeo "too powerful for Trump's taste." In other words, Pompeo might start thinking he is Donald Trump's real dad. Who does he think he is, VLADIMIR PUTIN?

Anyway, Trump and Pompeo are having lunch together today, so maybe there will be some news. Or maybe Pompeo's heat-seeking missile will get all the way swallowed by Trump's ass, and then there won't be a Mike Pompeo no more.

But Maybe Trump Will 'Tap' A Bunch Of Other People Instead!

So many names are floating around! When Wonkette wrote of John Bolton's untimely dismissal/quitting, we proffered a bunch of possibilities, based on nothing but our dickish disdain for the stupidest president on earth. ON TOP OF suggesting Pompeo, which we were actually dead serious about, we suggested Devin Nunes and his certified Angus methane farts, the My Pillow guy and his not-that-great pillows, Sebastian Gorka and his 4-cylinder Mustang, and a handful of other possibilities. All of these are still on the master list, as far as we are concerned, because why the fuck not.

But serious reporting has some other names. CNN says it might be US special representative for Iran Brian Hook or special envoy to North Korea Steve Biegun. Since our Iran and North Korea policy is going so fuckin' well, we think these would be great ideas for President Picks-The-Best-People. The New York Times has some more possibilities, including:

  • Charles Kupperman, the dude who is now the acting national security advisor (supposedly)
  • Douglas MacGregor, a retired wingnut colonel who (surprise) goes on Tucker Carlson a lot
  • Ric Grenell, the piece of shit obnoxious gay quisling ambassador to Germany, who seems to view his entire job as pissing off Germans, which is factcheck the OPPOSITE of his job
  • And ... WHAT? H.R. McMaster? The last national security advisor, whom Trump hated because he was too honest about Russians fucking with our elections? It's a longshot, but NBC News reports that Trump has called McMaster to say he misses him, awwwwwwwww, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS CLOWNSHOW?

In other news, Donald Trump continues to be very SASSAFRAS about John Bolton's departure, saying he just wasn't playing well with others in the White House, which is one statement from the president we actually believe.

"He made some very big mistakes when he talked about the Libyan model for Kim Jong-un," Trump said. "That was not a good statement to make."


Trump also said that Kim "wanted nothing to do with John Bolton," and so obviously he had to leave the American White House, because of the North Korean dictator's feelings. Ayup. Oh yeah, Tucker Carlson didn't like Bolton, and Trump thought John Bolton's mustache was gross, and you know who doesn't have a mustache? Mike Pompeo.

Wouldn't wanna chafe the president's buttcheeks when you're heat-seeking missile-ing his ass, after all.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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