Investigative journalist.

OK, guys, we hope you are sitting down, because it is about to be the Obamapocalypse, and you need to be prepared. Alex Jones, the crazy conspiracy theorist JOURNALIST who recently revealed that Michelle Obama murdered Joan Rivers so nobody would find out she had a penis, is also revealing more of President Obama's secret CIA project to use Beyoncé to start a great race war that will kill and imprison all the Good White Christian Americans.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]Here's what we already knew, from Jones's last discussion with hilariously crazy homophobe pastor James David Manning of the ATLAH church in Harlem: 1) Bey is an "urban terrorist." 2) She is a CIA-funded brainwasher who is convincing black people to kill each other and also the cops. 3) Beyoncé eats baby brains, with the hot sauce she keeps in her bag. This should all be common knowledge by now.

Now Jones and Manning have cometh upon each other again, and here are their new revelations:

JONES: The Viacom-CIA weapons system is activating the Beyoncés and all the rest of the folks to say, you know, go out and kill the pigs. [...] And that'll cause a giant counter-oppression of black people who are trying to live the American dream!

MANNING: Absolutely! So I cannot imagine that this is not going to take place ... I don't think Obama would have gone to the prisons unless he wanted to indicate to judges everywhere ... If Obama says that the penal system has been oppressive, you're going to see cases coming back before the courts, you're going to see parole officers releasing people who normally would be kept in prison.

JONES: And they're gonna make room for the libertarians, the patriots, the Christians, who they're now throwing the book at as the new enemy.

HOLY SHIT! Manning added that one very important part of this devious plan is the 2016 remake of the "Roots" miniseries, which is embedded with secret messages intended to make the covert Beyoncé army go GRRRRRRR and kill whitey, we guess.

Anything else? Are all the secret Beyoncés in jail, and Obama is going to release them, so he can remain dictator for life?

MANNING: Obama wants to have a different kind of a Brownshirts ... I can't imagine Obama walking away from power, Alex ...

JONES: So you think letting the prisoners out like the Soviets and the Nazis, when the Nazis took over they released all the people out of the prisons that were aligned with the National Socialists, hundreds of thousands of them, and put them in charge.


MANNING: Why should he walk away and say, ‘Well, I had my eight years’? ... He’s gonna try something, he’s going to. He’s already put it in the works. I mean, remember, Obama is CIA, understand that he is a compadre with Putin in Russia, he’s not gonna walk away from world power.

Of course, Obama keeps saying he doesn't want to be dictator for life, but that's probably a lie.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]We know the lamestream news media has been telling us he's ready to put on his fightin' mom jeans and hit the campaign trail hard, and that he may even endorse Hillary this week, but Obama has always played a long game. Those are obviously false flag reports planted with journalists who are in on the conspiracy, to distract us from how Obama is in his secret emperor room in the White House right now, pressing play on every single Beyoncé song ever, combining the "If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it" choruses with the "When he fuck me good I take his ass to Red Lobster" refrains, until finally it's loud enough for all the Beyoncés what recently got broke out of prison to hear. At that point, they will all start shrieking "I SLAY! I SLAY! I SLAY!"

And then all the God-fearin' white Christian folk will be dead or in prison, because it's illegal to be those things now. This plot is so obvious and in front of all our faces, how did we never see it before?

[Right Wing Watch]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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It was bound to happen. We're now watching Republican congressmen react to Donald Trump sitting in the Oval Office and saying "RUSSIA IF YOU'RE LISTENING" during an interview with George Stephanopoulos, literally inviting hostile foreign powers to attack the 2020 election for him like Russia did in 2016. And if you thought there wouldn't be at least one of them to say the quiet part loud and state for the record that crime is good if it helps Republicans win, then you haven't been paying attention to the Republican party in quite a while.

Enter GOP Rep. Chris Stewart of Utah, who sits on the House Intelligence Committee, AKA the committee whose members really should know better, even the Republicans, but unfortunately they don't because A) they're idiots and B) they've been sucking at Devin Nunes's dairy cows' teats (ALLEGEDLY) for too long:

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