Is That The Old Handsome Joe Biden State Of The Union? Well TURN IT UP!

I am upset, and I am angry. The Right has begun investigating families with trans kids in Texas at literally the same exact time they're calling for a "parents' bill of rights." Polls show more than half the country think Trump — who tried to mug Ukraine his own damn self and gave Russia codeword intelligence in the Oval Office — would have somehow stopped Putin from invading Ukraine. And while we're at it, Americans still haven't forgiven Joe Biden for ending a Forever War everyone hated.

I don't know how to fight back against people who fucking love to lie, and I don't know how to fight back against crazy. And I don't know if our Old Handsome Joe does either.

To borrow from the president when I was a baby, our country's in a deep fuckin' malaise, it's time to turn down the thermostat and put on a sweater, and we need to relax, stay inside, and listen to some music. Do we have any Allman Brothers? Because we need to mellow out the best we can.

Now here is your livestream. We shall watch together, and I will bloog as is my habit. Refresh your browser tab periodically and see if I have written any more shit.

FYI I changed the livestream to NBC, PBS was boring me.

8:55 p.m.: SCOTUS is here, FLOTUS is here, Marco Rubio and everyone else who is afraid to be seen by their lunatics applauding against Putin is playing pussy.

Dok Zoom: I love the pageantry .. the sergeant at arms, the guests, Sam Alito practicing muttering "Not True."

Are there like 40 people there? What if Marco Rubio calls a quorum and there's no quorum, does that mean Wisconsin can decertify the 2020 election???

9:06: Here's Joe. Nobody's wearing masks because the CDC crazy, goddammit CDC.

9:08: Aw. Joe's been waiting a long time for this. "Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States."

9:11: Yes, the Ukrainians ARE literally inspiring the world, unless you mean like five douches Putin pays, plus some Trump idiots who still think Joe Biden put the election server in Ukraine's back yard.

9:15: Biden is rattling off a list of shit he's spearheaded, from the sanctions to getting Germany off its ass, but OH HELL YEAH he says we're going to "find and seize their apartments and yachts." I found it for you, Mr. President.

File:Trump Tower Entrance (48064047178).jpg - Wikimedia Commons

He's shutting off our airspace to Russian flights? This is big deal? (I HAVE NO IDEA, NOT MY PORTFOLIO!) But anyway, standing O!

9:21 p.m.: I think Joe just said Putin would never weaken the resolve of the Iranian people, so it's a good thing that Republicans won't make a big fucking deal out of poor senile one foot in the grave Joe Biden and the fact that he still has a stutter sometimes.

9:23: Okay, I rewound like three times to see the CONTRATOMP about who was booing and why, and it's because Joe Biden just fucking CALLED OUT the 2 trillion tax cut for rich fuckwads and compared it to the American Rescue Plan helping folks "who just needed a little breathing room." And then Chook Schumer got up to clap too early because HE LOVES THE PEOPLE AT THE DINING ROOM TABLE and anyway now there is lots of standing O and it's going on so long, yay American Rescue Plan! Yay jobs! Yay creating them! Yay Joe Biden! He is talking about the fastest job growth rate in 40 years and also "fuck trickledown" says Joe Biden but he does not say fuck.

9:28: "We're done talking about infrastructure weeks. We're now talking about Infrastructure Decade." Oh Joe, you know the way to a girl's heart is shitting on the incompetence of Donald Trump.

9:30: If you go 20 miles east of Columbus at 1000 miles an hour WHY IS JOE BIDEN DOING A MATH PROBLEM, THIS IS AMERICA.

(But seriously folks, there is a TON of manufacturing investments — he is talking here about an Intel plant — in the US under Biden, and Trump and Scott Walker would have already had 59 press conferences touting it ON THE MOON. I'm not saying Biden should lie all the time, or do FoxConn, but he could stand to brag more!)

9:35: I'm a little verklempt with all the USAs and I CALL IT BUILDING A BETTER AMERICA and "STOP BEING A FUCKING BIG PHARMA, BIG PHARMA." I am feeling waves of Nice Time! Oh no, Joe Biden wants to cap insulin at $35 a month, he can say goodbye to Joe Manchin (again).

9:40: Yes, give us all money to be energy efficient and buy EVs and, we like money!

Now he wants to cut the cost of child care, did we not just say JOE MANCHIN, JOE BIDEN? If you give parents child care so they can work, they might use their paychecks to buy drugs!

9:43: Joe Biden is now literally talking about being the Senator from MBNA, which is an interesting choice! Ah, because "them paying zero is not fair." That makes sense! Joe would like them to pay one million percent tax, and I agree.

9:46: OH NO, Joe going to appoint Kamala to be the cop of pandemic fraud (not Kamala) and arrest Jared Kushner probably. I wonder how many Congresscritters got bad PPP loans, LOL. He is LAW & ORDER (DUN DUN).

Joe is talking about a lot of good things, like NURSING HOMES NOT SUCKING, and CHILD TAX CREDIT and ALL THE THINGS. How can anybody not love on him? What is wrong with everybody? Are they all that fucking gullible with just believing Tucker Carlson all the time? Will this help change things? I DON'T KNOW, IT MAKES ME CRAZY!

9:48: "I eat more chicken any man ever seen," or something about ordering more pills than any man in the world I guess, and now I am trying to think of a pillhead rocker to make a joke, but they all just seem like heroin instead, and I have failed you. :(

Here is a thing I missed!

9:55: So Joe doesn't want us to choose between safe streets and equal justice, and he says NAH MANG don't defund the police, FUND the police, and the Republicans all rise with the biggest shit-eatin' grins, and oh look who's there with them, it's Joe Manchin. Anyway, now we're at "guns and voting" so that's a fun juxtaposition. Has the GOP made an NRA membership card necessary to vote yet?

I am skipping the Ketanji Brown Jackson section because now Ted Cruz is standing to salute "secure our border" and I'm annoyed again. I think Joe Biden might be annoyed too, he is speeding through that section, damn the stutter, like Speedy Gonzalez, arriba arriba.

10:00: Joe Biden wants Texas to stop fucking with the trans children and their families, SO SAY WE FUCKING ALL.

10:02: Joe has a "unity agenda": 1. Beat the opioid epidemic. 2. Mental health yo! For the kids! 3. Privacy protections and targeted ads? Was that three or part of two? Okay two I guess. 3. Support vets. Lauren Boebert shouts something?

This will never ever ever ever unite the country, those people fuckin nuts.

Number 4 is cancer, which people would like to fuck.

And thus we endeth. Lauren Boebert's a stupid cock drip, and according to NBC, MTG had some loud comments from the peanut gallery as well "clearly audible even where I was in the gallery."

Man, people will do anything to prove they're dumb shit sacks on live TV.

Wonkette is always here when you need us. We got no ads and no investors and we have people to pay a living wage to for your reading and news pleasure. FORK OVER THE DOUGH PLEASE (if you are able). No, really though.

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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.


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