L: Kayleigh Jonesenany. R: Alex Kayelighnany

HEY-O! Donald Trump has a new press secretary and that is something to celebrate! Kayleigh McEnany did the first White House press briefing in over a year, because the last press secretary was always too busy trying to remember where she left her car last night (allegedly!) and the one before that was kinda "fuck it" after a while. Anyway! Whoopee! Press briefing! Today is the day Donald Trump became president.

Educated at Harvard Law, McEnany comes to the White House after a stint in LOL just kidding, fuck off, Kayleigh.

(We watched it. It was bad. She lied about Michael Flynn a lot, even though nobody asked her about Michael Flynn. She'll last at least two and a half Scaramuccis.)

Anyway, Alex Jones threatened to eat his neighbors today. Specifically, he will EAT THEIR ASS. And he is doing this for the children, his children, for he wants not that they go hungry, but desireth much to EAT YOUR ASS, that his children's bellies might be full.

No, we don't know how those two things are related.


The clip from the Washington Post's J.M. Rieger begins with Donald Trump talking about what a good reputation Alex Jones has.

JONES: I'll admit it. I will eat my neighbors, I'm not letting my kids die. I'm just bein' honest. My superpower is bein' honest.

'Kay.

JONES: I'm literally looking at my neighbors now and going: I'm ready to hang them up and gut them and skin them and chop them up, you know what? I'm ready. My daughters aren't starving to death, I'll eat my neighbors.

He will eat his neighbors to keep his daughters from starving to death. How ... how exactly does he feed his daughters?

JONES: See? My superpower is bein' honest. I'll eat your ass. I will!

Alex Jones is being superpower honest about eating your ass.

JONES: I'm — combat model, optimal self-sufficiency, probably the leader. The point is have you thought about that yet ...

Have we thought about Alex Jones eating our ass? Hard no.

JONES: ... because I'm somebody that thought I could fix this and I'm starting to think about having to eat my neighbors. You think I like sizing up my neighbor, hell I'm gonna haul him up by a chain and chop his ass up?

It's going to hurt Alex Jones to eat your ass more than it hurts you.

JONES: I'll do it! My children aren't going hungry! I will eat your ass!

These! Seem! Like! Unrelated! Thoughts!

JONES: And that's why I want the globalists to know, I will eat your ass first.

Legs up, (((globalists)))! (When far-Right conspiracy theorists with pretty obvious mental issues mention "globalists," they mean Jews.)

JONES: You're not – we're gonna dig you out of those bunkers, we're gonna dig you out of those holes, you make us eat up – let me tell you something right now: I swear to god if it's the last thing I do I'm gonna get my hands around your throat and you know that's why you're beggin' for peace right now. You should've thought about that when you turned out Christ a long time ago. You wanna meet with me you satanist!? Meet with me!?

Oh boy. Wow. This has to do with Christ, somehow? Is that because of the (((globalists)))? Yes. Alex Jones is going to ... strangle (((globalists))). For Jesus. Huh.

JONES: How about you get on your knees to Christ, you'd meet with my boss right now! But you can't do it. You think you can meet with some low-level nobody? I'm nobody! You think Christ would eat somebody? He would never eat do that? He would never do that. I will.

Christ would not eat your ass. But Alex Jones would. Christ is the Prince of Peace, not the Prince of EAT YOUR ASS. Alex Jones is the ass-eat prince.

JONES: I'm not gonna watch my daughters starve to death!

And if asses must get eated to prevent that from happening, get Alex Jones a bib!

JONES: Now you can say that was a metaphysical hypothetical, but it's not, and really, let's just get past the jokes here.

We weren't going to call it a "metaphysical hypothetical," we promise, didn't even occur to us. And of course, far be it from us to make jokes.

The ... end?

In conclusion, Kayleigh McEnany, this is definitely the post your first press briefing deserved. The one about Alex Jones eating so much ass.

And now you deserve an early lid on today, it's your OPEN THREAD!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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