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EVEN IF SHE BOUGHT IT WITH HER LUNCH MONEY.


BREAKING NEWS THAT IS SHOCKING TO EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T READ THE NEWSPAPER! You know the Steele Dossier, compiled by former MI6 spy Christopher Steele, who was contracted by Fusion GPS to compile oppo research way back during the campaign? That thing that alleges that Donald Trump's campaign was engaged in a massive cover-up with Russia to influence/steal the 2016 election? Yes, that one! If you'll remember, we learned recently that, though investigators haven't verified every single thing in it, they haven't debunked one single little thing about it!

During the Republican primary, Fusion GPS's oppo research was funded by "a Republican" (Jeb! probably, unless it was the Mercers back when they were Ted Cruz backers), but once Trump won the nomination, "some Democrats" took over the funding. Steele was hired soon after. We learned this information from THE VERY FIRST NEWS STORY about the dossier, when it was broken by David Corn at Mother Jones on October 31, 2016:

This was for an opposition research project originally financed by a Republican client critical of the celebrity mogul. (Before the former spy was retained, the project’s financing switched to a client allied with Democrats.) “It started off as a fairly general inquiry,” says the former spook, who asks not to be identified. But when he dug into Trump, he notes, he came across troubling information indicating connections between Trump and the Russian government. According to his sources, he says, “there was an established exchange of information between the Trump campaign and the Kremlin of mutual benefit.”

The breaking news, uncovered by the Washington Post, is which specific Democrat/s paid for it. It was a lawyer named Marc Elias and his law firm Perkins Coie, which represented the DNC and the Hillary Clinton campaign, back in April of 2016. Considering how Hillary Clinton won the Democratic nomination and ran for president on the Democratic ticket, it is SHOCK AND AWE to learn that someone close to the Clinton campaign funded opposition research against the Republican candidate.

Or we should say, it's SHOCK AND AWE if you don't read the newspaper ever and you work at the New York Times and your name is Maggie Haberman:

THEY LIED! SANCTIMONIOUSLY! LOCK THEM UP LIKE A COMMON HILLARY CLINTON! FOR COMMISSIONING OPPO RESEARCH AND NOT WANTING TO TALK ABOUT IT BECAUSE CAMPAIGNS TYPICALLY DON'T!

Haberman knows it is worth talking about "sanctimony" and "lied," because of her journalistic instincts, which tell her that you never ever ever ever ever EVER say "lie," unless you are talking about a Clinton, in which case you get the vapors and holler, "WELL I NEVER!" Did you even go to school like Maggie Haberman did? Here, let her Habe-splain you:

NYT's finest, everyone.

Again, this information has been in the public sphere now for almost a year, just without the specific Democrats' names attached.

And again, oppo research is as routine as apple pie, baseball, or squirrel for supper at Mike Huckabee's house when big sister Sarah is coming home to visit.

Republicans are, of course, already helicoptering their dicks everywhere with this not-at-all-shocking revelation, trying to make the scandal about Hillary Clinton and the Democrats doing something TOTALLY NORMAL in their campaign. They are relying on their supporters being stupid enough not to know what opposition research is, or that it's not remotely scandalous. They are probably correct to do that, as their supporters are very stupid!

Look at your stupid fucking president and the badly misshapen goat he calls his firstborn son:

Meanwhile, as we are typing this, MSNBC is asking, "What does this mean for the Democrats? What does this mean for Robert Mueller's investigation?"

NOTHING, YOU FUCKING IMBECILES. The story of the dossier always was that it was regular routine oppo research, and that the British spy Steele, in the course of his work, started finding all these Russian connections that made him go "WHOA IF TRUE." So he kept investigating, and his research became known as the dossier. The fact his work was funded by Hillary people doesn't mean piddly shit, since anybody who's ever covered politics before (journalism fact coming, Maggie Haberman, you'll want to take notes) knows that candidates aren't funding oppo research to find FAKE NEWS on their opponents, they're funding it to find REAL DIRT.

And Christopher Steele fucking found it.

So can you all kindly shut the fuck up, please and thank you?

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[Mother Jones / Washington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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