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We knew today's Michael Cohen hearings were gonna be HOLY SHITFIRE, but we were NOT expecting that Michael Cohen's mysterious third client -- out of all three he's had since the beginning of 2017 (so many clients you can count on 60% of one hand!) -- the one whose name he was trying SOOOOOO HARD to keep a secret, would be THIS GUY:


And the choir said "THE FUCK? LOLOLOLOLOLOL PRAISE JESUS FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW!"

We knew Hannity was tied up in all this Trump-Russia-BonerGate folderol in some unnatural way God never intended a group of loser dickhead white men to be tied up together -- it's been UNCONFIRMED RUMORED that he's in pretty deep -- but we never imagined Hannity would have enlisted the services of Michael Cohen, Donald Trump's very stupid fixer lawyer!

Another thing that makes sense is why Sean Hannity might perhaps have a teensy bit of paranoia about having ILLEGAL WIRE TAPPS done to him. Maybe they're fully legal WIRE TAPPS! And maybe the Deep State is inside Hannity's underpants drawer, just cold riflin' around!

This also adds shades of context to why, on top of how he's just a loser and a Trump slut and a hack, Hannity has led the charge of FREAKING THE FUCK OUT AND DECLARING WAR ON THE GOVERNMENT over the FBI's very valid and good investigation into Donald Motherfucking Trump, especially when indictments go down.

What is VERY sad about this is, you know how we always wonder if Fox News personalities are REALLY THAT STUPID, or if they are just playing stupid on TV because they make millions of dollars to lie to idiots? This confirms that Sean Hannity is actually, in his brain and in his heart, as dumb as a common Donald Trump. Like, for real, he looked at Michael Cohen and said, "I'm hiring THAT GUY." Did all the other lawyers in the entire world DIE?

Hannity has released a statement to the Wall Street Journal that he has "sought legal advice" from Michael Cohen, but WETHINKS that Michael Cohen's lawyers were not working this hard just to hide that one time Sean Hannity called Michael Cohen all "Hey, in your sexpert Cooley Law School opinion, should I take my neighbor to Judge Judy for letting her Pomeranian poop on my begonias? Lawsplain me that one!" We think there is something bigger at play here.

Let's wildly speculate about what Michael Cohen has "fixed" for Sean Hannity:

  • live boy
  • dead girl
  • MURDERRRRRRR of some other sort
  • live goat
  • dead ferret
  • voted for Barack Obama
  • carries picture of Hillary Clinton in his wallet and sometimes talks to it all sweet-like when he thinks nobody is looking
  • married Tucker Carlson in Vegas a few years back when they were drunk and doesn't have the heart to divorce Tucker but SHHHHHHH FOX NEWS SECRET
  • is cheating on Tucker with human grease stain Newt Gingrich, who is considering divorcing his third wife for Sean Hannity but come on, she's not even in the hospital, and if this stuff ends up in the tabloids ... CATCH AND KILL! CATCH AND KILL!
  • live porcupine
  • dead wombat
  • OH MY GOD SEAN HANNITY IS DONALD TRUMP'S BIOLOGICAL SON. Introduce yourself to your new big brother, Ivanka, Eric, Don Jr., Tiffany, Barron, the housekeeper's 30-year-old kid (allegedly) and probably a handful of others yet to be revealed (allegedly)!

Oh well, Sean Hannity's show is going to be pretty fun tonight, we bet. Can't hardly wait to hear his exclusive scoops about how Hillary Clinton fucked Batboy in Benghazi.

That is, unless he takes the night off to search his house for wire tapps. (SPOILER: They are in his favorite Trump-shaped buttplug. ALLEGEDLY. At least that's where we would put them if we were an FBI agent with the sense of humor of a common Wonkette.)

Now, since nobody is going to talk about anything else today, we are going to DRINK IN BED. So unless WaPo and NYT get funky later, this is your hella early end of day Open Thread.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Are you a fairly regular Wonkette reader and have had a nagging little voice for some time saying “you should throw Wonkette a buck every month”? We would surely appreciate it!

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Corey Stewart, the Minnesota transplant to Virginia who's made protecting "Confederate Heritage" a top issue in his campaign for the US Senate, accused a nosy New York Times reporter of breaking into the apartment of one of his aides. It's a terrific accusation, because while there's no evidence at all and the story makes no damn sense, that doesn't matter at all to people who'd vote for Corey Stewart. They already hate the evil media and know those nasty reporters are capable of all the depravity in the world.

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Hey, remember that hilarious time when Paul Ryan and Kevin McCarthy got caught on tape joking that LOL, Donald Trump and Congressman Dana Rohrabacher were totally on Putin's payroll? WaPo got the goods:

"There's two people I think Putin pays: Rohrabacher and Trump," McCarthy (R-Calif.) said, according to a recording of the June 15, 2016 exchange, which was listened to and verified by The Washington Post.

Rep. Dana Rohrabacher is a Californian Republican known in Congress as a fervent defender of Putin and Russia.House Speaker Paul D. Ryan (R-Wis.) immediately interjected, stopping the conversation from further exploring McCarthy's assertion, and swore the Republicans present to secrecy.

It's funny 'cause it's true! ALLEGEDLY. Earlier this month, Congressman Lubyanka Rohrabacher told Fox reporter Elex Michaelson that DNC hack was obviously an inside job.

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