It's A Christmas Miracle! Trumpers Are GoFundMeing His Stupid WALL!
It's fairly obvious now that no one is paying for Donald Trump's stupid WALL along the US-Mexico border. Mexico certainly isn't, and Trump's subtle plan to stick America with the check while he hid in the bathroom just died in the Senate. Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced Wednesday a short-term spending bill that would keep the government open through Feb. 8, but it noticeably lacks even a single cent of the $5 billion Trump was demanding for WALL. Next month, Democrats take control of the House, and Nancy Pelosi won't even consider chipping in for a Lego "Build Your Own WALL" set as a consolation prize.
So, can we stop talking about the wall? No! Because WALL, like Christmas, is in the hearts of all who love it.
The crazy old man now claims Mexico is "indirectly" paying for WALL. Great. How about telling us who's "directly" paying it. The US military isn't building anything without direct payment with money that doesn't have Trump's face on it. They're not the college kid who sets up his grandma's new iPhone in exchange for a handful of meatball.
North Carolina GOP Rep. Mark Meadows worries that Trump will suffer "major damage" politically if he signs the wall-less spending bill. Meadows suggests Trump veto the legislation and basically shut down the government because "the vast majority of the Trump voters believe that he campaigned on building the wall" and if Trump doesn't deliver, "the base will just go crazy."
Meadows should have more faith in the sanity and xenophobia of Trump's base. If Mexico, the government or, frankly, any sensible people won't pay for WALL, then they are willing and eager to step up and set their money on fire. It's not like they're wasting it on the poor, desperate people who come here as refugees.
Ohio GOP Rep. Warren Davidson had introduced a bill last month that proposed building WALL through Bitcoin or something. We've discussed how stupid that was. Now actual Trump supporter Brian Kolfage of Florida has gone one better and started a GoFundMe. The campaign, which I "forgot" to link to, has raised more than $4 million in the four days since it started. In the interests of equal time, some folks have also started a GoFundMe to raise money for ladders (The funds will actually go to the Texas migrant-rights group RAICES, but shh, don't tell, they're trolling).
GoFundMe's current limit is $1 billion, which Kolfage hopes to lift because WALL is estimated to cost as much as $70 billion. That's the Democrats' figure, though. Trump is enough of a wheeler dealer to get it done for much less, especially if it's constructed without sprinkler systems.
"Democrats are going to stall this project by every means possible and play political games to ensure President Trump doesn't get his victor [sic]," Kolfage wrote. "They'd rather see President Trump fail, than see America succeed. However, if we can fund a large portion of this wall, it will jump-start things and will be less money Trump has to secure from our politicians."
I should probably mention that Kolfage was severely wounded in the Iraq War, and all of us here at Wonkette appreciate his service so please no Pete Davidson backlash, OK? It's the holiday season, and we're all capable of appreciating the It's a Wonderful Life scenario we're witnessing here. Mean old Ms. Pelosi has Trump at the end of his rope, and his loyal base is praying real hard for a miracle. Kolfage is going to show Trump how all his supporters, who also exist in a black-and-white movie from the 1940s, have pitched in to bail him out.
There are still some obstacles to overcome. Even at its current impressive rate, the campaign will reach the minimum $5 billion in roughly 15 years. America would be overrun with migrant caravans by then. But don't be such a Grinch. WALL has already raised more than feeding hungry Somalians or Cameron Kasky's "March for Our Lives." It's also on track to outpace "New York's Neediest" by the end of the week. Go stuff that in your Christmas goose, liberals!
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).