It's A Glenn Greenwald/Tucker Carlson Cuddle Party, And YOU HAVE TO WATCH

David Neiwert, expert on right-wing extremism and all around swell guy, flags a really great piece from Glenn Greenwald on Twitter:

"The behavior of the Fox News 'liberal' is illustrative of the self-destructive behavior of Beltway Democrats."

We agree. Going on Fox News is an absolute waste of anyone's time, and if they call you up and ask you to be a token liberal, you should tell them to fuck off, you're busy.

Anyway, that was 2007 Glenn Greenwald, and a new day has dawned, because Glennyth made his first in-studio appearance with his white supremacist straight husband BFF Tucker Carlson last night. You could tell he was happy to be there by how he grinned coyly across the table at Tucker the whole time. (David Miranda, we know you're busy fighting rising fascism in your own country of Brazil, but take five minutes and come get your husband. Possibly for a number of reasons.)

Greenwald, who partly made his career as a serious skeptic of the national security state (sometimes very appropriately!) was there to talk to Tuckles the Clown about how silly and crazy all us libs are for failing to put 100 percent of our trust in Bill Barr, the Republican Attorney General for Donald Trump. You might sense head-splitting cognitive dissonance there, but don't worry, Glennifer doesn't feel a thing.

Here's a video, and following that, a fake transcript that we really think captures the essence of what the idiot said:

GREENWALD: Ummmmmm the Democrats? "Put all their eggs in one basket" and said Trump was a Russian agent but now they don't say that [Actually, stupid, that question hasn't been answered yet, and we sure do still say it - Ed.] but then Robert Mueller found out their "conspiracy theory was a hoax" [no he didn't -- Ed.] and like all these Democrats got rich? Off the Russia hoax? And I really want to say something about how Rachel Maddow banned me right now, because I am extremely angry about that? Anyway, it's kind of like the "leader of an apocalyptic doomsday cult," LOL what idiots, OMG Tucker is laughing at my doomdsay joke right now, I am so glad I came to see Tucker! In summary and in conclusion, Bill Barr is an honest man and Steve Cohen ate chicken.

And here is another video, followed by another fake transcript (we encourage you to watch the videos for yourselves and if you think we have failed to capture the essence, challenge us on it by all means):

GREENWALD: OK so like I said, Bill Barr is an honest man and I have literally no reason not to trust every word he says, like why would the guy who covered up Iran-Contra lie? And like, he was appointed by Donald Trump! How could he be a bad guy? Anyway, I still believe the national security state is bad, but that's only because I literally think now that Devin Nunes has a point about Hillary Clinton ordering the FBI to spy on the Trump campaign. Here are some more conspiracy theories Devin Nunes snorted off a cow's balls (allegedly), in summary and in conclusion, Bill Barr is my favorite!

So that was fun.

For weeks after Bill Barr sent that mash note to Congress that we now know with 100 percent accuracy distorted the findings of the Mueller Report, Glennforth made SO MUCH FUN of those who believe (correctly) that Trump is most likely under the influence of a foreign power (Russia), and who understand that a hostile foreign power (Russia) intervened boldly in order to get that shithole elected president of the United States.

Journalist David Klion tweeted out the evidence:

And then, you know, we learned in the newspaper about the letter from Mueller to Barr, where he excoriated Barr for mishandling his work. And we read the news reports suggesting, based on what DoJ sources whispered in New York Times reporters' ears, that actually Mueller was just mad because the media was misrepresenting his work, and wasn't mad at Barr really at all! And we were skeptical, because we are smarter than a common Glenn Greenwald and have gotten pretty good at identifying when the Times is mainlining anonymous quotes from bullshitting DoJ sources.

But Glenn wasn't skeptical!

The denouement of that particular episode of Glenn Greenwald setting fire to his own foot, using his flaming foot to kick himself in the dick, and then eating both foot and dick with whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles, came the very next morning, when we read Mueller's actual letter for ourselves, which mentioned nada not shit about the media. And of course, we are skeptical that Mueller wrote one thing in his letter, and then changed course entirely and instead bitched on the phone to Barr about the media getting it wrong, and why? BECAUSE WE'RE SMARTER THAN A COMMON GLENN FUCKING GREENWALD.

So this is where we are! We're sure we could say a bunch more about this, but we doubt the surgeon general recommends extended exposure to Glenn's paint-huffing, and we don't want to.

We're sure these two boys will have many more white boy kikis in the coming months. (DAVID, COME GET HIM.)

The end.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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