alankeyesprez.jpgOh that's right, he's somehow running for president and made it into the Des Moines Register Republican debate! And it's starting at 2 p.m., which is like right around now. Who's suddenly more psyched for this liveblogging experience? Oh I know who is: Everyone! Go steal some beers from your boss' fridge or stop studying for those final exams, because we iz startings...

1:57 -- I'm watching on CNN (first mistake), but it's also on like PBS and maybe Fox News.

1:57 -- Satanish anchor Wolf Blitzer is talking about Alan Keyes, today's VIP. Hillary has planted both of them. As well as that woman who looks like Camryn Manheim who's talking also. You know that CNN analyst lady? Don't really care what her name is.

1:59 -- CNN has planted undecided viewers to tell everyone how awesome Hillary Clinton is afterwards, presumably.

2:00 -- Iowa Public Television's feed is TOTES 1988 style.

2:01 -- The Register's editor: I'd... not hit it. I'd rather hit the Camryn Manheim CNN lady. And by hit I mean not every see either again.

2:03 -- "Ambassador Alan Keyes of Maryland." So that's his ticket?

2:04 -- DEBT? That's the first topic? I want some taco taco taco Mexicans, Register Editor Lady.

2:04 -- Silly public teevees, don't they know how to handle a debate? Iz no talky about the moneys! Talky about Mexicans and Killing Babies and Sanctuary Mansion/Cities/General Geographic Areas, please.

2:06 -- Ron Paul is talking about destroying the currency, not about his Blimptards and their delays, which I blame Ron Paul for.

2:06 -- Tancredo: Money is a security issue! The Mexicans are controlling money and using it for their burritos to counter-attack the rising price in corn! Well, that's the gist.

2:06 -- Thompson: Tadpole money and the pickup truck likenesses.

2:08 -- Romney: "If you want to see a stronger America, you don't look to Washington...." Well I guess it doesn't matter who's president then. But I still don't want Mitt Romney.

2:10 -- Huckabee says "Tanks airplanes bullets and bombs," which we assume is what he'll use to kill teh geyz.

2:11 -- Alan Keyes says "spigot."

2:12 -- Rudy Giuliani, how many affairs would you cancel to save the taxpayers money?

2:13 -- Rudy Giuliani refers to the American Federal Government as the "Natty Government." Is that like Natty Light? Rudy drinks Natty Light OMGEEZ.

2:14 -- BWAH BWAH the Americas are spending money and BWAH NAFTA destroying Canada.

2:14 -- Huckabee talks about killing the snake, which means he thinks Mormonism is a cult. God, the dirt on Huckabee is endless!

2:16 -- Mitt wants to let the programs that don't work go. So... no governments will happen when he's president.

2:17 -- Tancredo: "Don't ask the government for womb-to-tomb protection." So... you're pro-choice?

2:18 -- It's time for some g-chat intern color commentary, this time from man behind "Metro Section" himself, Justin Charity! Take it away, Intern Justin:

me: intern justin, are you watching the debate?

Justin: yup

where are the mexicans?


Justin: this is boring

me: what is this money talk

how mexican does tom tancredo look

Justin: even alan keyes isn't talking about mexicans

this is an outrage

also, this debate looks like it was set up by a high school class

wait, it's law and/or order

me: yeah... a dumb... high school class

Justin: shit.

is alan keyes a democrat now?

fat tax?


2:21 -- Thompson made a funny! But I was g-chatting with the interns so I don't know what it was.

2:21 -- Ron Paul: The inflation tax is the "most evil of all taxes." Is that what the NAFTA Highway is?

2:23 -- McCain: I am extremely unpopular for everything I've ever done. Gon be Hillary, I am.

2:24 -- The single most boring debate of all time.

2:25 -- Mitt Romney: "I understand why jobs cum." That's what he said.

2:26 -- Huckbeez: "I can't part the Red Sea, but I can part the red tape." WOW, way to admit you're unqualified.

2:27 -- This Register Editor Questioner (REQ) is getting all smart-like on the American public. She literally said "alter-trade." I... I can't believe I'm saying this... I miss The Beard.

2:29 -- They're talking about changing NAFTA. We patiently await Dr. President Paul's take.

2:30 -- Oh, and Tancredo's take: Mexicans. Raping kids. Destroying lives. RAPING ECONOMIES TOO.

2:32 -- Thompson's being all talky talks. Did you guys read that WP profile of him today? He knocked up some chick when he was 16.

2:33 -- Amazing, re: global warming question:

Thompson: "Wanna give me a minute to answer that?"

REQ: "No I don't."

Thompson: "Then I'm not gonna answer that."

2:34 -- REQ is a real beeeeee-otttttch. Just let them talk about Mexicans, they're sweating over it.

2:36 -- Alan Keyes responds to global warming by saying Iowa should vote for him.

2:37 -- Alan Keyes is the sole saving grace of this debate. Intern Justin agrees and he can say that because he's black.

2:39 -- Mandates for biofuels? Can we... Jesus... can we call Iowa a Sanctuary Mandate or something? Anything? Need... phrases... to be turned...

2:41 -- Remember when Mike Huckabee was fat in that Christmas photo?

2:42 -- Ooh topic change. C'mon, REQ... making it Mexicans or gays... Daddy needs a new meal ticket... and it's: EDUCATION? Ugh. Thank God this is only an hour and a half.

2:44 -- Is Duncan Hunter talking in Mexican? About some teacher who invented a new form of calculus in LA? Did I miss this on Drudge some day?

2:45 -- I want more page views and a fresh thread, so we're jumping over here now. I promise this debate will get better! I may or may not keep that promise though.


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