It’s Easter! Now, Stay Home Until Everyone's Vaccinated.

Last Easter, we were all in lockdown, keeping safe from COVID-19 unless we were total morons. The seven-day average of cases was about 31,000. Now, it's 64,000, which is more. However, most people are bored with this pandemic and plan to celebrate Easter “normally." Why shouldn't they? The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said that fully vaccinated people can gather indoors without wearing masks. However, I'm gonna have to deny your hoorays because just 17 percent of the US population is fully vaccinated, and that's not herd immunity. “Normal" isn't safe yet.

You can still enjoy Easter festivities at home, even if they are weird. My son is very excited about tearing up our house looking for Easter eggs. He has a much higher tolerance for frivolity. I'd just give him a bag of Cadbury chocolate eggs and call it good, but he wants the thrill of the hunt.

YouTube “mummy blogger" Emily Norris has some helpful ideas for planning an Easter Egg hunt. No, she doesn't say "chocolate whore" at the beginning of the video. What's wrong with you? She says "chocolate haul" in British.

Easter began as a pagan festival celebrating spring. This was long before Christians came along and co-opted the holiday. The rabbit and the eggs all symbolize life. I think they missed an opportunity to give young Jesus a magical pet rabbit who would later become the Easter Bunny. Maybe I'll pitch that prequel series myself. Unlike Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny has no compelling backstory. Rankin/Bass tried in 1977 with The Easter Bunny Is Comin' To Town, a shameless rip off of 1970's Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town. It's pretty much the exact same story but just creepier because large stop-motion bunnies are terrifying. If your kids have questions about the Easter Bunny, just make them watch this and there'll be too traumatized to bother you again.

You've probably noticed that Easter is hard to pin down. There's never a specific date. University of Sydney Professor Carole Cusack explained, "There's a defined period between March 25 and April 25 on which Easter Sunday must fall, and that's determined by the movement of the planets and the Sun." In other words, Easter is celebrated on the Sunday following the first full moon after the spring equinox. This is why Easter festivities were called a “moveable feast," like the self-indulgent Ernest Hemingway novel. Well, that's all of them but this is the one with Gertrude Stein.

Before you settle down to watch Easter Parade or Jesus Christ Superstar, you'll probably feast on a country ham or a leg of lamb. I'm usually more excited about cooking lamb than I am eating it. Jamie Oliver has a good leg of lamb recipe if you insist on disappointing yourself. No offense to Jamie Oliver. I'm just not sure lamb is actually any good. Besides, a ham is about half the price. This is more money you could spend on chocolate.

Now go enjoy your Zombie Savior Day. This is now your Easter Open Thread parade.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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