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Are you a conservative who likes to go to the Olive Garden for luxurious fine dining but you're scared you will get persecuted to death by an antifa while your head is balls deep in a bucket of bottomless breadsticks?

Are you a Trump-voting lady who likes to go to the TJ Maxx bargain emporium to find all the latest bargains, but you are rightfully scared a lib will see that discounted Vera Bradley clutch in your hand, the one you FINDERS KEEPERS-ED before they did, but you won't get to take it home because the lib will say "By the power of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, I do socialism redistribution to that clutch you found, MINE MINE MINE"?

Are you a godly manly butch Trump man who is too chickenshit to go to the Big Lots without his substitute penis appendage, AKA "gun"?

Are you longing for a place where nobody says "Cool 4-cylinder Mustang, you loser Nazi," but you know they are being sarcastic when they say "cool"?

Have you had winner winner chicken dinners pried out of your cold dead hands?

Thank heterosexual Caucasian Jesus, because there is an app for you! It is called 63red Safe, which makes no sense at all and we are just going to skip right over that, and it is just a good thing to have if you are a HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS Trump voter wearing a MAGA hat who just knows if they go to the Cracker Barrel, they will meet certain death/persecution/eyerolls.


Here is the founder, Scott Wallace, to 'splain you how the app works:

As Wallace notes, and as screenshots on the very serious Fox News morning show demonstrate, the app asks four questions about public places you go, in order to find out if they are safe for fucking Trump idiots who are scared of their own shadows.

1. Does this restaurant serve people of all political beliefs equally, or do they make white Trump lovers use the water fountain at a whole different lunch counter, which definitely is a thing that happens?

2. If a mean antifa looks at a Trump supporter funny, with eyes that say GONNA GITCHA, will the place of business protect them?

3. Can they bring their gun? They might need their gun.

4. Has the place of business ever said something mean about Our Lord And Savior Of The Normal-Sized Hands And Impressive Penis Donald Trump on Facebook?

Places get either marked "safe" or "OMG SHIT YR PANTS" (or something), like so:

We don't know if that red symbol means "unsafe," but if it does, what on earth is going on at the Ross Dress For Less?

As Wallace explained, the world is a very dangerous place now, but it is going to get even worse as we get closer to the election:

"I believe that, between now and 2020, we're going to see the rise of the socialist goon squad," Wallace said. "I think antifa was nothing compared between now and what's coming in 2020. And I'm deeply concerned."

Well he's right that antifa's threat to dumbass Trump supporters was pretty much "nothing" up to now, and we genuinely believe him when he says he's terrified.

Wallace also clarifies that this is "not yet another Trump dating site," so if you thought you were gonna use this app to find healthy and consensual Trump fuckin' and/or dry humps, SWIPE LEFT, OK? This is about keeping Trump people's bellies full and their pants free of surprise scaredy-poops.

Anyway, safety first, MAGA yokels:

Wallace, who claims his apps will help conservatives organize ahead of the 2020 election, compares 63red Safe to a fire extinguisher. You don't always need it, but when you do, you really need it.

At press time, Wonkette had downloaded the app, and surprise, the fucker doesn't work, but we do notice that in the "rules" section of the app, it asks users to "not be a jerk," and to "show everyone the noble stuff conservatives are made from," which is exactly what comes to mind when we think about Trump idiots needing safe spaces where they can eat MAGA snowflake pie in peace without being LITERALLY HOLOCAUSTED.

Now, if we can just figure out how to mark all the Walmarts as "unsafe," just for LOLs.

Just kidding, we are deleting that shit as soon as this post is up, because you know how things marketed to conservatives tend to be full of malware. (OR ARE WE?)

Want an OPEN THREAD? Have one!

[Daily Beast]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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