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I make these meatballs once a year, because I am lazy, but Evan tells me today is Meatball Day, so here you are, they are good and delicious and shut up already.

What You Need

1 1/2 pounds ground beef

1/2 pound ground pork

2 eggs

Worcestershire sauce

Bread crumbs, like half a cup prob

1 cup milk

Onion

Garlic

Fresh herbs (basil, thyme and parsley are best)

2 cans tomato sauce

Pinch sugar

Some red wine

Olive oil

Salt and pepper

Also, a commenter reminds me that I think this recipe originally had a cup of parmesan cheese in it. So you could add that too, and probably should.

First we will make our sauce!

Chop up half an onion and several garlics, saute in olive oil a few minutes in whatever your biggest, giantest pot is. Add some of your fresh herbs, chopped up. Add two large cans tomato sauce, a little sugar, a little salt, a little red wine, put it on the back burner on low.

Now we will make our GIANT MEATBALLS.

Chop up your other half onion, a bunch of garlic, your other fresh herbs. Combine in a HUGE bowl with meats, bread crumbs, milk, a bunch of dashes of Worcestershire sauce and two eggs. Throw in some salt and pepper. I don't know, like a half tablespoon, who measures salt and pepper? Take off your wedding ring if it will come off your swollen old finger, you are going fist-first into SO MUCH PORK.

Make the meatballs HUGE, like bigger than your hand if you have tiny Trump hands, or slightly smaller than your hands if your hands are regular. Now, in batches, we will brown them. You can do this in a frying pan or in your broiler. Make sure they're browned on both sides, top and bottom, and remove them to the sauce. Make sure the sauce is covering; if not, add another half can of tomato sauce and adjust your herbs and sich to accommodate. Cover the pot. With a lid, dummy, Jesus.

Simmer for so long. Like, four hours if you've got the time. Every once in a while, make sure the balls on the bottom of the pot aren't burning onto it; move them around in there. Make sure sauce is still covering.

If I didn't have to sit there while the meatballs were browning, and get tongs and turn them over UGH SO ANNOYING, I would make these a lot more often, because they're rad, but "three steps" is usually two more steps than I like to take for a dish, which is why my husband does almost all the cooking.

Serve in a giant white bowl as party appetizers, or from the pot with a slotted spoon. If your brother is over, he will eat them with his hands until you yell at him to SAVE SOME FOR OTHER PEOPLE JESUS CHRIST and then he will be all pouty and have his feelings hurt. Tell him it's okay, he may have one more meatball. He's a good brother.

Here is your meatball, if yours doesn't look like this u fucked up.

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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