TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT. Everything you own in a box to the left, Julian. It's last call for crazy cat ladies at the Ecuadorian embassy. AP reports that the Brits have agreed not to extradite His Stinkiness to the US without explicit guarantees that the death penalty was off the table. So it's time for Assange to take his litterbox and GTFO.

Ecuador's president has ramped up pressure on Julian Assange to leave his country's embassy in London, saying that Britain had provided sufficient guarantees that the WikiLeaks founder won't be extradited to face the death penalty abroad.

Lenin Moreno's comments in a radio interview Thursday suggest that months of quiet diplomacy between the U.K. and Ecuador to resolve Assange's situation is bearing fruit at a time when questions are swirling about the former Australian hacker's legal fate in the U.S.

"The road is clear for Mr. Assange to take the decision to leave," Moreno said, referring to written assurances he said he had received from Britain.

"I crashed my car into the bridge," Mr. Moreno added, "I don't care, I love it!" PROBABLY.

You know how it is when a relationship has run its course and those things that used to seem cute start to lose their charm. Like it's adorable in the beginning when your man is comfortable with his own musk. The IB Times reports,

"It seems he doesn't wash properly," the source, who has visited Assange at the embassy, told The Times.

But eventually his table manners start to seem less adorable and more like the outward manifestation of deep-seated mental illness.

One of Assange's closest aides, Daniel Domscheit-Berg noted: "Julian ate everything with his hands and he always wiped his fingers on his pants. I have never seen pants as greasy as his in my whole life."

And pretty soon you're blasting Third Eye Blind and sighing that someone really needs to start kicking in for food and rent. And also, TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER, DUDE.

Assange has reportedly given away his cat rather than comply with an embassy directive to clean up after it, so now he's crying alone in his litterbox. And the Ecuadorians periodically cut his internet access when he tweets embarrassing shit.

After six long years, it's closing time -- you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

"The road is clear for Mr. Assange to take the decision to leave," Moreno said, referring to written assurances he said he had received from Britain.

Moreno didn't say he would force Assange out, but said the activist's legal team is considering its next steps.

As a leaked filing revealed last week, Julian Assange probably does face secret charges in a US court. And there's a legitimate argument to be had over whether Assange is a journalist deserving of First Amendment protection, or just a chaos monkey. Our theory is that he long ago lost the ability to hack anything more complicated than a gumball machine, and in 2016 functioned solely as a front for Russian hackers, with no actual knowledge or control of the information and its release. (By our, read Your FDF.) He was like a broken remote control for all the nutbags like Stone and Corsi to mash their stubby fingers into. Also Don Jr., who was given a password (wink, wink), so he could feel like a big boy who wears Pull-Ups and not diapers at night.

Earlier this year, the Ecuadorians tried to resolve the stalemate by whisking Assange off to Russia as part of the Ecuadorian embassy staff, but the Brits refused to grant him the diplomatic credentials which would protect him from arrest if he stepped outside. SAD! But it looks like they'll be changing those locks and making him leave the key soon. So maybe a friendly bobby will round him up and hand him over to our Bobby Mueller, and then we'll all get to hear about his happy, Guccifer Funtimes.

Time to face the facts, Julian. We are never, never, never getting back together! Well, unless we is you and the Special Counsel, in which case ... BOW-CHICKA-BOW-BOW!

[AP / IB Times]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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