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TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT. Everything you own in a box to the left, Julian. It's last call for crazy cat ladies at the Ecuadorian embassy. AP reports that the Brits have agreed not to extradite His Stinkiness to the US without explicit guarantees that the death penalty was off the table. So it's time for Assange to take his litterbox and GTFO.

Ecuador's president has ramped up pressure on Julian Assange to leave his country's embassy in London, saying that Britain had provided sufficient guarantees that the WikiLeaks founder won't be extradited to face the death penalty abroad.

Lenin Moreno's comments in a radio interview Thursday suggest that months of quiet diplomacy between the U.K. and Ecuador to resolve Assange's situation is bearing fruit at a time when questions are swirling about the former Australian hacker's legal fate in the U.S.

"The road is clear for Mr. Assange to take the decision to leave," Moreno said, referring to written assurances he said he had received from Britain.

"I crashed my car into the bridge," Mr. Moreno added, "I don't care, I love it!" PROBABLY.


You know how it is when a relationship has run its course and those things that used to seem cute start to lose their charm. Like it's adorable in the beginning when your man is comfortable with his own musk. The IB Times reports,

"It seems he doesn't wash properly," the source, who has visited Assange at the embassy, told The Times.

But eventually his table manners start to seem less adorable and more like the outward manifestation of deep-seated mental illness.

One of Assange's closest aides, Daniel Domscheit-Berg noted: "Julian ate everything with his hands and he always wiped his fingers on his pants. I have never seen pants as greasy as his in my whole life."

And pretty soon you're blasting Third Eye Blind and sighing that someone really needs to start kicking in for food and rent. And also, TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER, DUDE.

Assange has reportedly given away his cat rather than comply with an embassy directive to clean up after it, so now he's crying alone in his litterbox. And the Ecuadorians periodically cut his internet access when he tweets embarrassing shit.

After six long years, it's closing time -- you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

"The road is clear for Mr. Assange to take the decision to leave," Moreno said, referring to written assurances he said he had received from Britain.

Moreno didn't say he would force Assange out, but said the activist's legal team is considering its next steps.

As a leaked filing revealed last week, Julian Assange probably does face secret charges in a US court. And there's a legitimate argument to be had over whether Assange is a journalist deserving of First Amendment protection, or just a chaos monkey. Our theory is that he long ago lost the ability to hack anything more complicated than a gumball machine, and in 2016 functioned solely as a front for Russian hackers, with no actual knowledge or control of the information and its release. (By our, read Your FDF.) He was like a broken remote control for all the nutbags like Stone and Corsi to mash their stubby fingers into. Also Don Jr., who was given a password (wink, wink), so he could feel like a big boy who wears Pull-Ups and not diapers at night.

Earlier this year, the Ecuadorians tried to resolve the stalemate by whisking Assange off to Russia as part of the Ecuadorian embassy staff, but the Brits refused to grant him the diplomatic credentials which would protect him from arrest if he stepped outside. SAD! But it looks like they'll be changing those locks and making him leave the key soon. So maybe a friendly bobby will round him up and hand him over to our Bobby Mueller, and then we'll all get to hear about his happy, Guccifer Funtimes.

Time to face the facts, Julian. We are never, never, never getting back together! Well, unless we is you and the Special Counsel, in which case ... BOW-CHICKA-BOW-BOW!

[AP / IB Times]

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Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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