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TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT. Everything you own in a box to the left, Julian. It's last call for crazy cat ladies at the Ecuadorian embassy. AP reports that the Brits have agreed not to extradite His Stinkiness to the US without explicit guarantees that the death penalty was off the table. So it's time for Assange to take his litterbox and GTFO.

Ecuador's president has ramped up pressure on Julian Assange to leave his country's embassy in London, saying that Britain had provided sufficient guarantees that the WikiLeaks founder won't be extradited to face the death penalty abroad.

Lenin Moreno's comments in a radio interview Thursday suggest that months of quiet diplomacy between the U.K. and Ecuador to resolve Assange's situation is bearing fruit at a time when questions are swirling about the former Australian hacker's legal fate in the U.S.

"The road is clear for Mr. Assange to take the decision to leave," Moreno said, referring to written assurances he said he had received from Britain.

"I crashed my car into the bridge," Mr. Moreno added, "I don't care, I love it!" PROBABLY.


You know how it is when a relationship has run its course and those things that used to seem cute start to lose their charm. Like it's adorable in the beginning when your man is comfortable with his own musk. The IB Times reports,

"It seems he doesn't wash properly," the source, who has visited Assange at the embassy, told The Times.

But eventually his table manners start to seem less adorable and more like the outward manifestation of deep-seated mental illness.

One of Assange's closest aides, Daniel Domscheit-Berg noted: "Julian ate everything with his hands and he always wiped his fingers on his pants. I have never seen pants as greasy as his in my whole life."

And pretty soon you're blasting Third Eye Blind and sighing that someone really needs to start kicking in for food and rent. And also, TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER, DUDE.

Assange has reportedly given away his cat rather than comply with an embassy directive to clean up after it, so now he's crying alone in his litterbox. And the Ecuadorians periodically cut his internet access when he tweets embarrassing shit.

After six long years, it's closing time -- you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

"The road is clear for Mr. Assange to take the decision to leave," Moreno said, referring to written assurances he said he had received from Britain.

Moreno didn't say he would force Assange out, but said the activist's legal team is considering its next steps.

As a leaked filing revealed last week, Julian Assange probably does face secret charges in a US court. And there's a legitimate argument to be had over whether Assange is a journalist deserving of First Amendment protection, or just a chaos monkey. Our theory is that he long ago lost the ability to hack anything more complicated than a gumball machine, and in 2016 functioned solely as a front for Russian hackers, with no actual knowledge or control of the information and its release. (By our, read Your FDF.) He was like a broken remote control for all the nutbags like Stone and Corsi to mash their stubby fingers into. Also Don Jr., who was given a password (wink, wink), so he could feel like a big boy who wears Pull-Ups and not diapers at night.

Earlier this year, the Ecuadorians tried to resolve the stalemate by whisking Assange off to Russia as part of the Ecuadorian embassy staff, but the Brits refused to grant him the diplomatic credentials which would protect him from arrest if he stepped outside. SAD! But it looks like they'll be changing those locks and making him leave the key soon. So maybe a friendly bobby will round him up and hand him over to our Bobby Mueller, and then we'll all get to hear about his happy, Guccifer Funtimes.

Time to face the facts, Julian. We are never, never, never getting back together! Well, unless we is you and the Special Counsel, in which case ... BOW-CHICKA-BOW-BOW!

[AP / IB Times]

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Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Good morning, America! Attorney General Bill Barr is doing a presser at 9:30 AM EDT about the Mueller report, which nobody will be able to see until around noon or after, once Congress gets the redacted report on CDs. Seeing as that is bullshit, there's no reason to watch this thing, as journalists won't be able to ask him questions about a document they haven't seen. So ... go back to bed, everyone!

Ugh, fine, we guess we will do this, and that is because we care, even though we are quite certain HGTV is doing some kind of very important "Property Brothers" marathon that adds much more of value to the national discourse, and also covers it up with shiplap accent walls. Does Bill Barr do cover-ups with shiplap? No, because he doesn't have the good taste for that.

Reportedly, we are going to hear from Barr why certain things were redacted, including why he thinks certain facts are subject to executive privilege, which is funny because he is not the president and therefore cannot invoke executive privilege. But oh whatever! Details! Robert Mueller won't be there and none of his team will be there, which tells you something about how they feel about this whole process. If they felt like this was on the up-and-up, you'd imagine they might show up to present a united front. As that is not happening, assume the entire thing is a bullshit act meant to help Donald Trump set the narrative for what will otherwise be a very bad day for him.

The New York Times reported last night that the White House has already been briefed on significant portions of the report, because Bill Barr is a rightwing scam artist piece of shit who gives the Trump White House reacharounds. The briefings have reportedly been very helpful for the White House in coming up with how to rebut today's report, which is funny because we thought Trump said this report was a full exoneration, NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION. (Actually nope on both counts, since Mueller didn't decide the obstruction question, and even according to Barr's mash notes, he took a very limited view of the conspiracy question, focusing on the Russian government's hack and dump WikiLeaks operation.)

Anyway, assuming Trump is right about full exoneration, we guess Rudy Giuliani's rebuttal will state that Trump is guilty, full stop. Because that's what "rebuttal" means, correct?

Committee chairs in the House including Jerry Nadler, Adam Schiff and Maxine Waters have called upon Bill Barr to cancel today's briefing, as it is useless horseshit. Because Barr literally gives zero fucks about his reputation and apparently is OK with going down in history as a fecal stain on our institutions and the rule of law, the show will go on.

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Now What? Wonkagenda For Thurs., April 18, 2019

Bill Barr's book report, the NRA is doomed, and Johnny Cash will watch over the Capitol. Your morning news brief!

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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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