It's Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let's Reminisce About The Week That Was!
Hola, Wonkerados! How is your Easter Sunday going? Ours is very nice! Won't you sit and have some internet brunch with us, so we can reminisce about all the lovely things that happened during the week? It wasn't all Indiana and gays and religious freedom! (Er, actually a lot of it was, but other things also happened, according to our admittedly hazy memory.)
Since your Wonkette loves you, and you love your Wonkette, if these stories make you happy (or if they make you MAD), you should go ahead and drop $5 in the collection plate, so that we can continue to meet all your dick joke and Peggy Noonan needs. Here comes the plate! Get your $5 bill ready! You did it for that asshole sheriff.
Okay, now that's out of the way. Here are the Top Ten stories, more or less, that you fapped to THE HARDEST this week:
1. This nice Alabama state senator, who is also a doctor, filed a bill to get revenge on this patient who died under his care. He just wanted to repeal this law, which was actually inspired by and named after the patient, that just said women have a right to stay in the hospital for 48 hours after giving birth, you know, so they don't die when complications arise as they're being kicked out the hospital door. After mean journalists embarrassed him by exposing him as a giant dick, he withdrew the bill.
2. A pregnant stabbing victim invited Colorado Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt to shove his GoFundMe donations up his Jesus-hole, since she was apparently not happy he used her story as an example of the wrath God-Jesus is pouring onto America because of abortion. Klingenschmitt's Republican colleagues weren't too happy with him either, and decided to strip him of one of his House committee memberships. Klingenschmitt is clearly the true pregnant stabbing victim in this story.
3. Patriotic Republicans are tired of constantly telling Americans that Obama is not the real president, so they figured they'd let the United Nations know instead.
4. Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton really thinks the gays ought to shut up about being "discriminated against" in Indiana. In Iran, gays are hung! (And yes, people, stop telling us the correct word is "hanged," can we please make a dick joke in peace?)
5. Liberals LITERALLY HOLOCAUSTED that dumb bigot pizza place in Indiana. They are using an alternate definition of "Holocaust," in which the victim gets paid over $800,000 dollars in GoFundMe moneys. For any Traditional Marriage people reading, you should know that Wonkette fired a gay, for freedom. Give us bigot money.
6. After asking people on the FaceSpace to give her their best "Obamacare horror stories" didn't work out so well for lying assclown Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers, she decided to just go ahead and declare victory anyway. Those commenters were probably paid to say nice things about Obama's communist, abortionist "healthcare," which is currently death paneling your grandma.
7. We had so many stories about Indiana and Arkansas and religious freedom and gay-hatin', but your favorite was the one where everybody was laughing at that big dumb idiot Indiana Gov. Mike Pence.
8. My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken Bill O'Reilly's dumb Jesus movie?
9. Carly Fiorina has a bold plan to do for America what she did for Hewlett-Packard -- ALMOST KILL IT.
10. Peggy Noonan went for a walk in Central Park, fell down, got a bump on her noggin, and decided to write a nice column about Iran anyway.
And if you haven't put Elizabeth Warren on your tits or your morning coffee yet, you can always visit the tradin' post and do some barterin' for t-shirts and coffee cups and stuff and things!
Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed the collection plate when it came down your pew, don't worry, you can still give one of the friendly ushers $5 on your way out the door. Or you can give him more! There's no limit, we are not your daddy. (Just kidding, we totally are.)
Now, go enjoy the rest of your Sunday Funday and we will see you bright and early on Monday morning!