It's Super Tuesday Again! (For The Eleventy-Millionth Damn Time)
This is you right now, if you live in one of the primary states.
Now updated with some results! Hey, people in the Northeast who don't live in New York or Massachusetts or whatever! You live in Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania and Rhode Island, and you are wearing a sticker on your boob right now that says, "LOOKUH ME I VOTED TODAY!" Unless you didn't because you got disenfranchised or were too lazy or decided to let Jesus go to the polls in your place.
But hey, we are posting this before the polls close, so maybe you should get off YouPorn and go vote, like a real American! You have until 8 PM in EVERY SINGLE STATE, because for once they are all in the same time zone and have the same closing time, and we'd just like to applaud all you voting states for being on the same page right now.
So, what's going to happen tonight? Probably a blow-out on both sides, for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, according to the polls as interpreted by your gay math nerd boyfriend Nate Silver. He says Trump has a 99% chance of winning all the states except Delaware, which hasn't been polled enough. Is Joe Biden too busy to go to a diner and ask people who they're voting for? Because we are pretty sure the entire state can fit in a diner, and they are all there RIGHT NOW eating peach pie, which is the official state food of Delaware.
On the Democratic side, Hillz is a pretty sure bet in Pennsylvania, Maryland and Connecticut, Bernie has a decent chance of taking Rhode Island, and again, NOBODY KNOWS IN DELAWARE. They will probably all write in Martin O'Malley probably.
If you want to take a deep dive into the truly fuckity-fucked up way alla these delegates are going to be awarded -- especially in Pennsylvania, oh my god, for fuck's sake -- you should go visit Wonkette alumnus Jim Newell at Slate, where he has written a #SlatePitch about delegate allocation. It is actually probably the only readable article on the subject on the whole internet!
If you are bored by such subjects, you may instead watch New Jersey governor and failed GOP loser Chris Christie making jizzes in his panties as he dances at the Bruce Springsteen concert:
GUYS CHRIS CHRISTIE COULDNT BE CUTER IF HE TRIED AHHHHH CHRIS CHRISTIE FOR CHAIRDAD OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF DADDDD pic.twitter.com/yd4g3o63UA
— Derek Simon (@DerekSimonID4) April 26, 2016
And now you may consider your Super Tuesday/Acela Primary/WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY ARE CALLING IT open thread open for business, just like your sister.
Update By Dok Zoom: 10:14 EDT Trump won all five states BIGLY with stupid-large majorities. He will now be worser than ever. It feeds on HATE, Scully!
Clinton takes Delaware, Maryland, and Pennsylvania, Sanders takes Rhode Island, and as we post this update, Connecticut still too close to call.
Democratic Senate primaries we're watching: