No, we didn't freeze that while she was talking. Watch the video. It's a kiss.

While Israeli soldiers shot and killed at least 50 protesters (and injured an incredible 2,400 people) in the Gaza Strip, the USA opened its brand new embassy in Jerusalem today, a step sure to please the fundagelicals in Donald Trump's base because it will surely help bring the End Times and the second coming of Jesus, or at least a very solid turnout for Republicans in this year's midterms and the 2020 elections.

While people in Gaza were getting shot and bombed, fundamentalist Christians who've said it's a real bummer that Jews are damned (hey, it's just prophecy, deal with it) celebrated the opening of the new embassy. Among the was John Hagee, who said last December that the embassy move was announced with "a biblical timing of absolute precision," because isn't most US foreign policy in accordance with Bible numerology? Hagee ruffled a few feathers back in 2008 when he said God had sent Hitler to hunt down Jews in the Holocaust and thereby make the founding of Israel possible in 1947, which makes us wonder why an omnipotent supreme being couldn't have skipped the genocide step there. And of course Hagee also said God flooded New Orleans to punish the gays, so he's a fine fellow to bless an embassy, too.

Also invoking the God of the Holy Land (which will soon be wiped from the Earth, along with just about everyone, HOORAY!) was pastor Robert Jeffress, who explained that God handed the keys to Jerusalem 4,000 years ago:

Jeffress's presence to pray for peace -- in the name of "Jesus our Lord" -- might have seemed a little odd, what with his pronouncement in 2010 that Jews and Muslims are all damned to hell. Not that they're bad people, just that anyone who isn't a Christian (and the right flavor of Christian) is of course damned, no matter how "good" they might be:

God sends good people to Hell. Not only do religions like Mormonism, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism — not only do they lead people away from God, they lead people to an eternity of separation from God in Hell.

For the sake of equality, he also said a year later that Catholicism is a "cult-like, pagan religion" that "doesn't come from God's word." Because that's just history, you know:

You say, "Well, now, Pastor, how can you say such a thing? That is such an indictment of the Catholic Church." After all, the Catholic Church talks about God and the Bible and Jesus and the blood of Christ and salvation. Isn't that the genius of Satan?”

Not that such talk is a problem for Israel's rightwing government -- the country is simply crawling with American fundamentalists, and as long as they keep bringing Jesus tourism and defense aid, a few dumb predictions of imminent damnation for all who reject Christ is no big.

Jeffress's past condemnation of Mormons was very displeasing to Mittens Willardson Romneyton the 47th, who tweeted that the man shouldn't be profaning the ceremonies:

As for the embassy dedication resulting in more than 50 dead and 2,400 wounded Palestinians, including at least eight children killed, Mitt didn't have any commentary on whether that put a damper on things. But Jared Kushner did!

Yep, "Those provoking violence are part of the problem and not part of the solution." The ones who are getting themselves shot and killed, those troublemakers. Including, presumably, the children. And now the US and Israel are both much more secure, somehow, because heaven knows there will never be any blowback.

Also, Ivanka blew the crowd a kiss:

Surely these will be the best End Times ever. And this is why God loves mankind.

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[WaPo / WaPo again]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

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[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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