Punk ass

Ivanka Trump, YOOGE PUNK.

You never thought you'd say those words, or that you'd believe them so strongly in your heart. You see, Ivana Trump, Ivanka's mom, has published a tome called Raising Trump, and she let Ivanka write some stuff in it about how NORMAL she is. Guess she didn't spill it all in the book-shaped object SHE wrote this year.

In excerpts published by The New Yorker, we learn that Ivanka Trump had a "punk phase" and she liked Nirvana in the early 1990s, just like all the "punks" who liked Nirvana in the early 1990s, which according to our back-of-the-napkin math was fucking millions of people. Guess we were all punks?

During my punk phase in the nineties, I was really into Nirvana.

So were we, Ivanka, so were we.

But no, y'all, she's serious, she was VERY MUCH A PUNK PERSON:

My wardrobe consisted of ripped corduroy jeans and flannel shirts.

Hardcore! What did you do one day after school, Ivanka Trump?

One day after school, I dyed my hair blue.


Mom wasn’t a fan of this decision.

What did she do?????? Were you grounded from having your own private driver for a whole night?

She took one look at me and immediately went out to the nearest drugstore to buy a $10 box of Nice’n Easy. That night, she forced me to dye my hair back to blond.

Gah. MOMS. They are the worst.

But everybody lived happily ever after because:

The color she picked out was actually three shades lighter than my natural color… and I have never looked back!

And to think, if it hadn't been for that one moment of defiance ... well, things would be different now!

Now, non-punk readers, do you know who Kurt Cobain was? Ivanka Trump put some extra words in this next sentence (probably trying to hit a quota or something) to make sure you know:

It wasn’t too long after this that Kurt Cobain, the singer, songwriter, and guitarist for Nirvana, committed suicide.

Singer, songwriter, AND guitarist. Got it.

Anyway, Vanky cried for days and weeks and months and years, and her mom Ivana Trump didn't really understand (MOMS!), but after "twenty-four hours of crying inconsolably in [her] room, alone," her mom (MOMS!) marched up and said, "OK young punk lady, it is time for you to bring your punk ass out of your room because the Trump Tower servants have made you some punk dinner!"

And then Ivanka Trump ate dinner and everything was OK again. Three shades lighter, but OK.

Please make lists of other experiences Ivanka Trump probably had, all of which prove she is TOTALLY NORMAL, in the comments of this, your OPEN THREAD. We will start!

  1. Ivanka Trump watched "Saved By The Bell" and totally wanted to sneak Zack Morris into her gold-plated suite but she knew her mom would get mad at her (MOMS!) so she didn't.
  2. Ivanka Trump may/may not have wanted "Charles" to be "In Charge" of her.
  3. Ivanka Trump kissed a girl just to see if that Jill Sobule song was right.
  4. Ivanka Trump had a gold-plated Tamagotchi. It died.
  5. Ivanka Trump tried to make a Blossom skirt out of ties. She failed.
  6. Ivanka Trump still secretly listens to Dave Matthews Band, even though she's been proclaiming they are Not Cool Anymore since 1998 or so, when everybody else decided they were Not Cool Anymore.
  7. Ivanka Trump gets the joke if, when discussing some totally sexxxy and mysterious guy, somebody exclaims, "Joooordan Catalaaaaaaano!"

(OK actually, we'll give her that one. She probably totally does.)


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[New York Magazine]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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