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We don't know how to tell you this, but the world's most unfuckable Trump supporter, Jacob Wohl, and his partner-in-dumbass Jack Burkman, are not yet in prison. But they're still up to their same old hijinks, and they're working just about as well as all their other hijinks!

When we last left young Jacob, he was bragging to USA Today about his genius plan to use fake Twitter accounts to manipulate the 2020 election. Twitter responded by perma-banning him, because of how he was openly discussing violating their terms of service in the newspaper.

But don't think the Twitter ban has stopped young Jacob in his tracks, because that is FAKE NEWS. While it's scientifically true that, due to his lack of access to Twitter, Wohl no longer technically exists, he still was able to come up with a really stupid plan to derail the candidacy of Pete Buttigieg, a plan that looks a hell of a lot like his failed plan to derail the Robert Mueller investigation, when he and a fake "intelligence company" called Surefire Intelligence (which was actually just his mom's cell phone) tried to get a woman to come forward as a fake sexual assault accuser against Mueller. One of the best parts of that story was how it kept falling apart while Wohl was telling it, to the point that literally nobody outside a QAnon chatroom ever believed it for one second. And that is one of the best parts of this story too!

The scam here was that Wohl and Burkman were going to find young gay Republican men and try to lure them into their van so they could promise them fame and riches, if they'd only make up fake sexual assault stories about Pete Buttigieg. (Because these guys are so high on their own supply, they actually believe there is not only a teeming market for people making fake sexual assault allegations, but they ALSO believe that when people make those fake sexual assault allegations, they immediately become rich and famous and live glamorously forever after. The Daily Beast, which broke this story, reports that they literally told one of the guys they approached to just look what happened to Christine Blasey Ford, one of the women Brett Kavanaugh allegedly sexually assaulted, and how she got rich and famous and lived glamorously ever after. No, really, they believe all this.)

The Daily Beast reports on two men Wohl and Burkman tried to pull into their illegal dipshit scheme, one of whom wants to remain anonymous for obvious reasons. The other one's name is public because Wohl and Burkman -- apparently without consulting the guy -- wrote and published a Medium post in his name, alleging sexual assault by Buttigieg. When the dude woke up and saw what was happening, and that right-wing paste-eating dumbfuck websites like The Gateway Pundit were running with the story, he freaked out and published a long Facebook post explaining that no, Pete Buttigieg did NOT sexually assault him, thus exposing Wohl's and Burkman's latest stupid scam.


Let's Start With Hunter Kelly!

Here's how the Daily Beast sets up his tale:

On Monday, a separate individual using the name of Hunter Kelly published a post on the site Medium in which he alleged that Buttigieg sexually assaulted him in February. That post was tweeted out by David Wohl, Jacob's father, and quickly re-written by the site Big League Politics, which is known as a landing ground for right-wing conspiracy theories.

David Wohl, that embarrassing collection of allegedly human cellular material! The Medium post is now gone, and so is David Wohl's tweet, but the internet lasts forever, fuckers:

You know, if we were David Wohl and we were the person guilty of sperming Jacob Wohl into existence, we'd have our balls removed and call it preventive medicine, you know, just to make sure this never happens again. BUT WE DIGRESS.

When the Daily Beast reached out to the real Hunter Kelly, who goes to college in Michigan, he confirmed what was happening, and that the Medium post (and also a newly created Twitter account purporting to be him) in actuality had nothing to do with him. Then he got on Facebook and tried to clear the record, starting out with the words, "I WAS NOT SEXUALLY ASSAULTED." He continued:

It's important for everyone to know that I was not sexually assaulted and would never falsely accuse anyone.
To keep it brief for now - I was approached by a political figure to come to DC to discuss political situations from the standpoint of a gay Republican. When I arrived they discussed Peter Buttigieg and started talking about how they would be working a campaign against him.

I went to bed and woke up to a fake Twitter @RealHunterKelly and an article that I in no way endorsed or wrote.
I have since left and am working on a formal statement to give to everyone including the Buttigieg family.
Thank you for standing behind me and knowing that I would never accept or allow any of this.

Good lord.

Anyway, this all happened really fast. They flew Kelly to DC to discuss this, picked him up at the airport in the wee hours of Monday morning, and by yesterday, Wohl and Burkman had completely gone public with a bullshit lie Kelly says he never agreed to. And the story took off! Kelly woke up, he says, around 11 in the morning, and immediately was thrown into the flames, to the point that he had to have his sister and her husband come get him.

As The Advocate notes, as this shit started to fall apart in real time (like all Wohl's activities seem to, imagine what sex with the man would be like, just kidding, don't imagine that, ew gross), all the other idiots who had been running with the story, including Wohl's stupidass dad, started deleting their tweets and whatnot. But not Jack Burkman! Guess he thought this one still had a few hours left of gas in it.

Give it up, you fucking loser.

We will note, though, that the alleged statement about what Pete Buttigieg absolutely did not do to Hunter Kelly tells a remarkably similar story to the fake accuser story about Robert Mueller absolutely not sexually assaulting a young woman in New York City.

In the fake Robert Mueller story, it was the St. Regis Hotel in New York. Robert Mueller was in DC at the time, with a full security detail. Oh well, TEACH THE CONTROVERSY.

Do these dipshits have a Fake Sexual Assault Mad Libs just sitting around their dank basement circle jerk chamber? Are they that uncreative?

Kelly went on record with The Advocate about the photo and the affidavit:

"They basically forced me to sign that and take that photo," Kelly told The Advocate shortly after this tweet. "I had no say in either. In the photo you can clearly see I had been crying."

Jesus Christ. Can somebody get a restraining order requiring Jack Burkman and Jacob Wohl to remain at least one mile from all humans at all times? It's for the world's safety.

And Then There's The Anonymous Guy, Who Shall Remain Anonymous!

Here's the Daily Beast's set-up on the anonymous source:

A Republican source told The Daily Beast that lobbyist Jack Burkman and internet troll Jacob Wohl approached him last week to try to convince him to falsely accuse Buttigieg, the mayor of South Bend, Indiana, of engaging him sexually while he was too drunk to consent.

The source who spoke to The Daily Beast said Burkman and Wohl made clear that their goal was to kneecap Buttigieg's momentum in the 2020 presidential race. The man asked to remain anonymous out of a concern that the resulting publicity might imperil his employment, and because he said Wohl and Burkman have a reputation for vindictiveness.

That guy? Taped his meeting in DC with Burkman and Wohl and provided it to the Daily Beast, which has verified it.

This guy is a gay Trump supporter who tells of a meeting in DC with Burkman and Wohl, who were pretending to be "Matt Teller" and "Bill." Just Bill. When you're as famous as Jacob Wohl, you don't need a fake last name to go with your fake first name, we guess. The guy taped it all because he recognized that "Bill" was actually world's stupidest most unfuckable dickcheese loser Jacob Wohl.

It sounds like their set-up here was just about the same as it was with Hunter Kelly, which is just about the same as it was with Carolyne Cass, who was to be the alleged Mueller accuser, except for how she backed away from that one slowly and pulled out of their planned press conference. They promised the boy he would one day grow up to be rich and famous, like noted famous rich lady Christine Blasey Ford:

When the source expressed reluctance, they assured him the scheme would make him wealthy, famous, and a star in Republican politics. Wohl cited the national recognition given to Christine Blasey Ford after she accused Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh of sexual assault during his confirmation hearings last year.

The Daily Beast says Burkman and Wohl told the guy that if only he would agree to be a fake Pete Buttigieg victim, then all the other real victims would come forward, or we guess maybe they might also be fake victims, who just wanted to be Beyoncé Lady Gaga Christine Blasey Ford-type mega-stars. And they were very clear that they were just doing this to hurt Buttigieg, because they were pretty sure Buttigieg was going to win the Democratic nomination. (NOTE TO ALL DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY CANDIDATES: Assuming they stay out of prison, these numbfucks will almost certainly be coming for you, and yes, it will be exactly as stupid as this.)

Anyway, the source was like "fuck off." SO THEN, like a Cutco rep, Jacob Wohl asked for referrals:

Wohl followed up with a phone call a day or two later to see if he could recommend friends or associates who might be a good fit to play the victim in the hoax.

And this is where we get to the part about the fake "intelligence company," because all good Jacob Wohl stories have those. Last time it was "Surefire Intelligence," and it was really Jacob Wohl's mom's cell phone. This time it was "Potomac Intelligence," and we don't know whose cell phone it was. The Daily Beast has the whole rundown, but it was the same shit with the same fake LinkedIn pages and the same fake employees. (Jack Burkman was one! Excuse us, we mean PETE TELLER!) And of course, when the Daily Beast came-a-callin', all their shit just magically got disappeared from the internet and their phones no longer worked. (To be fair, it's possible Jacob Wohl's mom just didn't pay her bill.)

But Wait There's More! (We're Sorry)

BUT WHY IS THERE MORE? Dammit!

Anyway, so as we noted, when this all started yesterday, the usual suspects, like Gateway Pundit, where Jacob Wohl used to write sometimes, just fuckin' ran with it. Of course, Jim Hoft had to retract it in record time. This is what his post looks like now:

But as Playboy reporter Alex Thomas astutely noticed, and because Jim Hoft is the Stupidest Man On The Internet, he didn't update the slug that accompanies the story on Twitter. Thomas suggests that maybe this is how Hoft and the others were planning on framing the story from here on out:

Was it a progressive mob ... FROM A HIPSTER COFFEE SHOP?

Conserva-gay pundit Guy Benson updates with some news he's heard:

Good Christ, we're going to find out Jacob Wohl had a fake Grindr at CPAC recruiting guys for this, aren't we? (And that he still didn't get laid, probably.) (ALLEGEDLY.)

Truly, this is all par for the course for Jacob Wohl, who first became halfway infamous as the world's youngest hedge fund fraudster, who recently ran around Minneapolis with world's saddest person Laura Loomer claiming they had evidence that Rep. Ilhan Omar had married her own brother in a citizenship scam, and who during the fall-out he experienced in real time from that rake-stepping disaster, decided it would be a good idea to fake a bunch of death threats, which he proceeded to GIVE TO THE COPS, which is (factcheck) a crime.

And this stuff he's trying to do to Pete Buttigieg? Also likely involves crimes. Just like that thing where he tried to FRAME THE SPECIAL COUNSEL WITH FAKE SEXUAL ASSAULT ALLEGATIONS.

As the Daily Beast notes, Wohl's fake "Surefire Intelligence" is reportedly being investigated by the FBI, so we guess it's safe to assume "Potomac Intelligence" will soon be added to that list, as it obviously should be.

BUT HOW IN THE HELL ARE THESE DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS NOT IN PRISON ALREADY?

That is what we would like to know.

[Daily Beast / Facebook / The Advocate]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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