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Guys, we have some bad news. We had been looking forward to today, when the double genius duo of Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman would turn the Russia No Collusion Witch Hunt OOPSY DAISY UPSIDE DOWN with their press conference (at the Holiday Inn in Rosslyn, Virginia, naturally) where a very credible woman they DID NOT PAY would come forward to say that special counsel Robert Mueller had raped or sexually assaulted her.

Oh don't worry, the press conference is still happening (right now in fact!), because THE SHOW MUST GO ON! It's just that the accuser isn't there, because, despite how she is totally real and stuff, she FEARS FOR HER LIFE.


But Jack Burkman and Jacob Wohl are there, and they are accusing Robert Mueller of rape! (As The Daily Beast's Will Sommer explains, this is very typical Jack Burkman: "The much-hyped witness who disappears at the last minute is a classic Jack Burkman move. By my count this is the third time he's done this.")

In advance of the earthshaking press conference, Wohl and Burkman again solicited the help of the Stupidest Man On The Internet, Jim Hoft, who runs The Gateway Pundit, where Jacob Wohl does "reporting" sometimes, to make a video about what's really going on here. In the process, they accidentally confessed to some crimes, it would seem. Let's watch, and then we will give you highlights just below!

Jacob Wohl, Jack Burkman: Woman Accusing Robert Mueller of Rape is Credible www.youtube.com

In the first few frames of the video, Jacob Wohl explains where this new and very real accuser came from. You see, she had hired SureFire Intelligence, which he now admits is his company, the one that was incorporated about three weeks ago ...

... and whose phone number is also Jacob Wohl's mom's phone number, to deal with a problem with her "estate." (Later he says the client hired his three-week-old firm SEVERAL MONTHS AGO, if you're keeping track of the lies here.) Sure, she could have gone with a real company, but wouldn't you rather go with the company with the 20-year-old disgraced fraudster as the CEO, but who doesn't actually use his real name on the company website?

OK, Jacob, we're with you so far!

Wohl then explains that his "client" who needed help with "estate stuff" from "Jacob's mom's cell phone" had "brought him" the story of being raped by Robert Mueller. And he didn't believe her at first! Gateway Pundit provides some transcript of why he didn't believe her:

"I am the biggest skeptic in the world of the #MeToo movement. My default position is not to believe the women – you've seen that over and over again as one story after another has come out. And that indeed was my default position in this case. I don't care who's getting accused or who's accusing – my default position is I don't believe it until its proven, until its corroborated."

Jacob Wohl KNOWS that bitches be lyin', so obviously this "gal" -- he refers to her as a "gal" and so does Jack Burkman -- was lying. (But how can imaginary friends lie, Jacob? HOW?)

Anyway, Jacob Wohl determined that just this one time bitches do NOT be lyin'. And he swears they didn't offer her any money, possibly because do imaginary friends even have Venmo? NOPE. Jacob Wohl says the only person who says they offered her money is the fake lady "Lorraine Parsons," who Robert Mueller and the Deep State invented to make Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman look like dipshits.

Wohl says he vetted the real accuser's story real hard, so we're just guessing he forgot to check to see if there was a public record of Robert Mueller being in a totally different city at the time the alleged assault happened.

The other reason we know this person is telling the truth, as Jacob Wohl explains, is because she is a WEALTHY PERSON:

"The accuser is not a person off the streets. This is a person of unimpeachable character. This is a person with an illustrious background as a fashion designer – well educated, well networked, well liked. This is not a person that somebody dragged up from some politically charged area. In fact, she is not politically charged at all – never registered to vote. Never voted, in fact. So, this is not a political operation, this has very little to do with politics," he said. "This is about getting the truth out about a person who is wielding a tremendous amount of power and we've seen what he's done with it." [...]

"In this case, not only is the accuser credible, but one of her best friends who was also there watched her go up to the hotel room allegedly with Robert Mueller. This corroborating witness is also very credible. This is not a person looking for profit. These are not people who are politically motivated. These people aren't political, they've never voted. They are certainly not looking for profit, and they certainly don't need profit. I'll put it this way, these are a couple of very wealth people, prominent people."

Yes, Jim Hoft typed "wealth people." To be completely fair and unbiased, Jacob Wohl clearly says "wealthy" in the video, but fuck it, we're going with the joke, because these guys can all eat our ass.

Anyway, you get all that?

  • This person is not a street person.
  • She is a character person.
  • She is a character person who is also a fashion designer person.
  • She is a character person who is also a fashion designer person who is also a big education person.
  • This person was not dragged out of a politically charged area.
  • She is a character person who is also a fashion designer person who is also a big education person who has never voted.
  • This person is a wealth person, and also too the corroborating witness is a wealth person.
  • They are wealth people.
  • They are wealth people who have never voted, and also character people, and also fashion designer people, because we know how fashion character wealth people with big educations just never vote.

Well, then!

After Jacob Wohl talks for a while, Jack Burkman takes the mic and confirms that "Lorraine Parsons" doesn't exist, and then references Jennifer Taub, who actually exists for real (all jokes aside!) and who actually for real got a letter from "SureFire," which Jacob Wohl admits is his mom's cell phone, offering her money to dish secrets on Robert Mueller. What a liar who was obviously put up to this by Robert Mueller, even though he has never met Jennifer Taub! Burkman says the email to Taub had "nothing to do with us," so we guess Mueller is just a clever old beaver, to gin up a fake letter on fake letterhead from Jacob Wohl's mom's cell phone like that. Later in the video, Burkman says the person from SureFire who wrote the letter is a "fake person," so we guess he's a lot like all the employees of Jacob Wohl's Mom's Cell Phone. Wonkette would like to thank Jack Burkman, on the feds' behalf, for essentially admitting they are the genius brains behind this entire scam.

"We can only surmise as to who did this," Burkman says. And he's not wrong!

Every reporter in the country, from the smallest blog all the way up to NBC news, knows very well that you don't run a story about Loraine Parson before you even talk to Loraine Parsons.

True fact! And they didn't! (Please note in Jim Hoft's transcript that he can't even settle on a correct spelling for the lady name Wohl and Burkman made up.)

"The last few days have been ridiculous," Burkman says. He's not wrong there either!

Wohl takes back the mic and starts whining that the lady he made up is besmirching the good name of his three-week-old intelligence firm, and now CNN is calling his sister in her 6th grade class and Rachel Maddow is making fun of how his company's phone is also his mom's phone. He also says we wouldn't believe how many fake Mueller accusers they've talked to and said "Go away, fake lady! We don't believe YOUR story." And he's right, we wouldn't believe that.

Doing his best impression of a real lawyer, Wohl goes on to claim that there are THREE MORE ACCUSERS, but they're not ready yet, and that there have been a FLURRY of new accusers, but they haven't finished making up stories for them yet aren't sure if they're credible or not. Jacob Wohl didn't want to believe all these women, because GROSS, but he guesses he has to, because they are very real and they talk to him.

Burkman takes the mic and says that "guilty dogs bark first," apparently without realizing that there's only been one comment from Mueller's office, about referring this to the FBI, and that Burkman and Wohl have been barking ALL FUCKING WEEK OH MY GOD.

Jacob Wohl ends the video by whining that the people who found the employee listings for his REAL COMPANY made mean pictures of him and put them on the internet, including one of him dressed up as corn and another one of him gay-kissing Donald Trump.

Also Jack Burkman and Jacob Wohl really really REALLY want to testify under oath against this "Lorraine Parsons" character they created, because MAN, she's a liar!

HOLY FUCK WHAT DID WE JUST WATCH?

Who would have imagined this would all be going hilariously wrong again? After all, didn't Burkman and Wohl just spend weeks trying to bait real journalists with an obviously fake story, from a fake persona named Lorraine Parsons, who was purportedly accusing Robert Mueller of sexual harassment? And when that fell apart, didn't they publish a thing on their buddy Jim Hoft's Gateway Pundit website with their very detailed account of how the REAL accuser was coming forward today with a story of Robert Mueller raping her in New York on a day he was in Washington DC with a full FBI security detail? And didn't they come up with a very convincing cover story about how Robert Mueller and the lamestream media probably invented the first fake accuser to distract America from the real live in the flesh accuser, who was going to appear today, except for how she didn't?

There are a couple of reasons these fucking idiots actually thought this would work, to the point that they continue to set their dicks on fire and eat them without self-awareness or regret. The first and most obvious one is that they are OMG SO FUCKING STUPID. But they also thought this would work because -- as Wohl explained above! -- they don't believe #MeToo victims anyway. They truly think most women lie about this stuff, because they, The Eternally Unfuckable, hate women. So they literally think they can just put up a flyer at the local Costco saying "CRY RAPE FOR $20,000 MONEYS!" and all the ladies would be like "WHAT UP DOLLA BILLS!"

They also really truly believe the media has a liberal agenda and will print anything bad they hear about a conservative without vetting it. They are especially stung after the one-two punch of Roy Moore and Brett Kavanaugh, combined with the three-four-five-six-eleven-million punches of Donald Trump and all the other Republicans who have fallen into disgrace after being credibly accused of sexual harassment and rape. Unfortunately for Burkman and Wohl, nothing they believe is true, and they should probably see a neurologist. Maybe one of their imaginary friends who is a wealthy person who's never voted can recommend one.

OH NO, ANTIFA MOB!

As we publish this, the very real press conference about the very real lady has just ended, and oh no, Antifa was there!

We guess Antifa is inside that big funny statue, because they're sneaky like that. Or maybe it is in the trunk of that Camry. SHRUG. Also oh no there is a box in the back of the truck that says "ACME" and we all know that means it is a bomb because that is how Wile E. Coyote (original Antifa) does it.

Also there is a mob there:

Oh no the mob left:

Scenes from inside:

Yep.

Also, we have a name!

But we don't know how to spell it! The name of our client! For our VERY REAL COMPANY!

We have never laughed so hard in our ENTIRE LIVES.

[Gateway Pundit]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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