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We interrupt #HorseFaceGate and #BoneSawGate to make sure you saw the very most important news on the internet this week, and it is weird wingnut British idiot Piers Morgan getting his knickers in a twist because Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz made a baby and Daniel Craig plays James Bond and Piers Morgan thinks James Bond is real and it really bothers Piers Morgan when James Bond (who is not real) carries a baby in one o' them Baby Bjorn things instead of HOISTING HIS BABY AT ALL TIMES WITH HIS MANLY ARMS, because if James Bond (who is not real) isn't manly enough to HOIST HIS BABY AT ALL TIMES WITH HIS DELICIOUS SPY SEXXX ARMS then Piers Morgan thinks he is being #emasculated.

Piers Morgan is weird.


Shit went down on Twitter for approximately 24 hours or something, we don't know, so we're not going to show you EVERY TWEET Morgan sent as he tried to defend the idea that James Bond (again, not real) having his hands free while he transports his baby is somehow unmanly, to the point that it apparently made Morgan's entire set of dangly bits shrink to microscopic proportions.

But here's some:

People were like HENGGGGHHHH? Carrying your baby is un-dudesman-like? Okay then! So Morgan clarified.

HOW ELSE DO YOU THINK HE CAN CARRY HIS SHAKEN-NOT-STIRRED MARTINI WHILE HE SHOOTS PEOPLE IN THE FACE WHILE ALSO DOING "TAKE YOUR BABY TO WORK DAY," IDIOT?

Anyway, the whole internet made fun of him. He doubled down, and our only possible conclusion for that is that Piers Morgan is unable to achieve a natural erection and somehow is jealous of the men with "papooses" who obviously get so many boners they're sick of getting boners. (But not that sick of it, because come on, being a 24/7 boner-haver is better than being a 24/7 Piers Morgan.)

Some people were like "Can you imagine what a tiny little man you'd have to be to feel threatened by this?" To which Piers Morgan replied CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT A TINY LITTLE MAN YOU'D HAVE TO BE NOT TO FEEL THREATENED BY THIS?!?!?!

He briefly became self-aware, without being self-aware that he was being self-aware:

Even Mike Cernovich. EVEN MIKE CERNOVICH. Was like, "Dude. Dude!"

Piers, when Mike Cernovich ... MIKE CERNOVICH! ... manages to come off as a stronger, more confident guy than you are, UR DOIN' IT RONG.

Morgan begged for help from the ultimate Beta Cuck:

Then Morgan decided he should be James Bond now because the real James Bond (who isn't real) ain't gonna be seen dead in public carryin' some queer papoose like a heterosexual homo who gets ladies pregnant and likes to go hands-free:

Then Captain America (not real) was like "Dude, chill, James Bond (not real) can do what he wants," TO WHICH PIERS MORGAN REPLIED TO THE MAN WHO PLAYS CAPTAIN AMERICA that the real Captain America (not real) wouldn't wear a "papoose."

People tried to explain to Piers Morgan that actually women and gay men, upon seeing an attractive man with one of them Baby Bjorn thingies, tend to view them as MAGNETICALLY SEXY. Bonus points if they're also walking a dog WHICH THEY WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO IF THEY WERE HOISTING THE BABY IN THE WAY PIERS MORGAN PREFERS.

He replied by mansplaining that Miss Moneypenny wouldn't be into those kinds of dudes, because if it doesn't give Piers Morgan wood, it doesn't give Moneypenny lady wood we guess.

As far as we can tell, this is still going on.

Has Piers Morgan ever had sex with a human? Unclear.

Is this the stupidest thing happening in the universe right now? Unfortunately it isn't.

Is this your open thread? Gonna go with "yes" because the entire news cycle can fuck right off, please and thank you.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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CLEAR YOUR CALENDARS FOR FEBRUARY 7! And then fill them back up with whatever the fuck you want, because Michael Cohen has announced through his lawyers that he is too scared to testify before an open session of Congress that day, citing threats to his family from Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.

Wonkette has no reason to believe Cohen isn't being serious here, and NBC News reports Cohen's wife and father-in-law are particularly concerned about their safety if the man who used to call his boss MIS-TURRRR TWUMP goes to Congress and tells the truth this time. Still, we must pause to note that this is the same guy who said this to NPR reporter Tim Mak, back when Mak was at The Daily Beast:

"I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we're in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don't have," Cohen told Mak [...] "And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know."

"So I'm warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I'm going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?"

It's not so fun when the shoe is on the other foot, IS IT, MICHAEL?

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Did Nancy Pelosi do something to give Donald Trump the mistaken impression he has leverage here? We don't remember her doing anything like that!

Trump sent Pelosi a letter this morning to say that, despite how she told him to stay the fuck out of her House because of his government shutdown, he would still be coming to the House on January 29 to deliver his State of the Union address. And for some weird-ass reason, Trump and his advisers in the White House actually thought she would back down. It's both hilarious and alarming that Trump and his people are that stupid, isn't it?

Anyway, Pelosi took the dare. She took the dare. Was there anybody besides those dumb fucking idiots in the White House who thought she wouldn't take the dare?

Pelosi sent a letter right back to Trump to kindly explain to him that no means "go fuck yourself," and that if he'd like her to stick her foot further up his ass and kick it around a bunch, he's welcome to test her some more:

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