James Bond Sexed A Lady And Got Her Pregnant And Now He's Carrying His Baby Around. WHAT A GAY!
We interrupt #HorseFaceGate and #BoneSawGate to make sure you saw the very most important news on the internet this week, and it is weird wingnut British idiot Piers Morgan getting his knickers in a twist because Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz made a baby and Daniel Craig plays James Bond and Piers Morgan thinks James Bond is real and it really bothers Piers Morgan when James Bond (who is not real) carries a baby in one o' them Baby Bjorn things instead of HOISTING HIS BABY AT ALL TIMES WITH HIS MANLY ARMS, because if James Bond (who is not real) isn't manly enough to HOIST HIS BABY AT ALL TIMES WITH HIS DELICIOUS SPY SEXXX ARMS then Piers Morgan thinks he is being #emasculated.
Piers Morgan is weird.
Shit went down on Twitter for approximately 24 hours or something, we don't know, so we're not going to show you EVERY TWEET Morgan sent as he tried to defend the idea that James Bond (again, not real) having his hands free while he transports his baby is somehow unmanly, to the point that it apparently made Morgan's entire set of dangly bits shrink to microscopic proportions.
But here's some:
People were like HENGGGGHHHH? Carrying your baby is un-dudesman-like? Okay then! So Morgan clarified.
HOW ELSE DO YOU THINK HE CAN CARRY HIS SHAKEN-NOT-STIRRED MARTINI WHILE HE SHOOTS PEOPLE IN THE FACE WHILE ALSO DOING "TAKE YOUR BABY TO WORK DAY," IDIOT?
Anyway, the whole internet made fun of him. He doubled down, and our only possible conclusion for that is that Piers Morgan is unable to achieve a natural erection and somehow is jealous of the men with "papooses" who obviously get so many boners they're sick of getting boners. (But not that sick of it, because come on, being a 24/7 boner-haver is better than being a 24/7 Piers Morgan.)
Some people were like "Can you imagine what a tiny little man you'd have to be to feel threatened by this?" To which Piers Morgan replied CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT A TINY LITTLE MAN YOU'D HAVE TO BE NOT TO FEEL THREATENED BY THIS?!?!?!
He briefly became self-aware, without being self-aware that he was being self-aware:
Even Mike Cernovich. EVEN MIKE CERNOVICH. Was like, "Dude. Dude!"
Piers, when Mike Cernovich ... MIKE CERNOVICH! ... manages to come off as a stronger, more confident guy than you are, UR DOIN' IT RONG.
Morgan begged for help from the ultimate Beta Cuck:
Then Morgan decided he should be James Bond now because the real James Bond (who isn't real) ain't gonna be seen dead in public carryin' some queer papoose like a heterosexual homo who gets ladies pregnant and likes to go hands-free:
Then Captain America (not real) was like "Dude, chill, James Bond (not real) can do what he wants," TO WHICH PIERS MORGAN REPLIED TO THE MAN WHO PLAYS CAPTAIN AMERICA that the real Captain America (not real) wouldn't wear a "papoose."
People tried to explain to Piers Morgan that actually women and gay men, upon seeing an attractive man with one of them Baby Bjorn thingies, tend to view them as MAGNETICALLY SEXY. Bonus points if they're also walking a dog WHICH THEY WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO IF THEY WERE HOISTING THE BABY IN THE WAY PIERS MORGAN PREFERS.
He replied by mansplaining that Miss Moneypenny wouldn't be into those kinds of dudes, because if it doesn't give Piers Morgan wood, it doesn't give Moneypenny lady wood we guess.
As far as we can tell, this is still going on.
Has Piers Morgan ever had sex with a human? Unclear.
Is this the stupidest thing happening in the universe right now? Unfortunately it isn't.
Is this your open thread? Gonna go with "yes" because the entire news cycle can fuck right off, please and thank you.
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