James Comer Tells DOJ No Fair, He Saw Hunter Biden’s Dick First!

James Comer Tells DOJ No Fair, He Saw Hunter Biden’s Dick First!

House Oversight Committee Chair James Comer, that hayseed nitwit holding the gavel since Kevin McCarthy limpdicked over the finish line and became House Speaker, is hot to trot on the Hunter Biden laptop investigation. In fact, as we are writing, he's screeching inanities at former Twitter execs for that one day in October 2020 when they suppressed links to the New York Post story about it. Never mind that the story contained non-consensual nude photos as well as photographs of Hunter's minor children, both violations of Twitter's terms of service. Clearly this is a case of Deep State strikes again — at least according to Elon Musk, and that guy would never lie.

But, as Politico reported this morning, Comer may have a tiny problem and it is that the Justice Department got there first and is hogging all the Hunter Biden's penis pics for itself.

Because before Bill Barr quit stinking up the attorney general's office, he put the US Attorney's Office in Delaware in charge of investigating the future president's son. That inquiry remains ongoing, allowing Republicans to hint darkly that an arrest may be imminent. Which is good clean fun, of course, but has the downside of allowing the Justice Department to stonewall congressional inquiries citing the pending investigation, as well as letting subpoena recipients cite the pending investigation as reason to invoke their Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination.

Republicans recently declared that they are now entitled to subpoena details of ongoing investigations and order the executive branch around at will, but oddly enough the Biden administration seems unwilling to accept this new version of Calvinball.

Luckily, Comer has a solution for that and it is for the Justice Department to adjust its law enforcement timeline to accommodate the hamfisted political hit being mounted by congressional Republicans:

In fact, Oversight Committee Chair James Comer (R-Ky.) suggested in a brief interview with POLITICO that the Justice Department should hold off on issuing any indictment against Hunter Biden so Republicans can complete their probe. He openly acknowledged that criminal charges could hinder his investigation, giving any witnesses in the DOJ case clearance to assert their Fifth Amendment rights.

It's hard to put into words just how absolutely batshit, quiet-part-out-loud this argument is. A sitting congressman is suggesting that the Justice Department should coordinate with a political party so that it might better attack the sitting president's family. This is the same political party that screamed bloody murder when the chairman of the Financial Services Committee asked the IRS for Donald Trump's tax returns — something he was entitled to do by statute! But more to the point, Republicans would burn the White House down if Democrats in Congress had suggested that the DOJ should coordinate its investigation of Hunter Biden with them, and yet there is no part of this dipshit's lizard brain that goes, "Hey, Jimmy, maybe don't say that to a reporter?"

For its part, Politico noted that Comer's plan "would mirror the sort of unfounded coordination accusations that Republicans have previously lobbed at Democrats." Because if there's one iron law in MAGAworld, it's that every accusation is a confession, or at least notes from their Future Crimes Planning Committee.

And speaking of shit you might not say if you cared one iota about pretending to be conducting legitimate congressional oversight ...

“If they indict Hunter Biden, there’s still a lot of stuff out there. And say we can’t touch anything [Hunter-related], it freezes up all the evidence — there’s still a lot of stuff out there,” Comer said.

Yeah, if they get cockblocked on the Hunter Biden dick pics, they'll just move on to President Biden's brother James. That guy is no one's idea of a saint, and he pretty clearly traded on the Biden name like his nephew, but there's never been any evidence that Joe Biden benefited from his brother's businesses. And if Republicans can't manufacture any kind of a connection, there are seven Biden grandchildren just ripe for investigating. Maybe start with Naomi, she's Hunter's daughter, gotta be some truly painful shit right there to probe, right? And if all else fails, maybe they can look into Beau Biden, although he died in 2015, so that one's kind of a break glass in case of political emergency situation.

What we're saying here is that when Republicans are sending their people, they're not sending their best. They're sending people that have lots of problems, and they're bringing those problems to us. They’re bringing Fox News. They’re bringing tantrums. They’re idiots. And some, we assume, are good people. Although most of those got chased out of the party in the past six years, leaving morons like Comer in charge.


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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